A Perfect 10

My baby has reached a milestone. Double digits. 10. Wow. He's not technically "the baby" but he's my baby. He was the first to initiate us into parenthood. The first difficult delivery. The first hospitalization. The first late night feedings. The first smile. The first, first steps. The first dancer. The first brother. The first, first day of school. The first child I loved.

When I remember the baby years, I see my nephew pushing him in a tonka truck. Dancing in the dining room to Nsync. Splashing in a bucket as if it were a pool. An ever-present smile and an infectious wit that was evident very early.

He walks and talks like his dad, loves fishing like his grandfathers, not a morning person and enjoys quiet time like his mom but has an independent personality all his own. He is unaffected and oblivious to what is popular. He is peculiar and pleasing. He makes his own path. He's an old soul and a kid at heart. He's red-headed freckles and smiles. He's a grouch and a comedian. He's our son. He is loved.

He's "been waiting his whole life"(direct quote)to turn 10. I'm wondering how his whole life thus far has passed so quickly. I longed for this age but now want to press rewind. He's maturing and transforming. I see glimpses of the man he will become. I am proud. We celebrate his life. He's a perfect 10.

Date Night with Owen

I went on a date. On a Wednesday. Taco Bell. WalMart. Game Crazy. The Dollar Tree......a perfect night. Even though date nights with my husband also usually include a stop at the dreaded WalMart, this date was with my middle son, Owen. It was just the two of us and it was heaven. Date night with my boys used to be part of our routine. One day of the month, just Mommy and one of her boys. However, with busy comes lazy. Laziness to not make that extra effort on top of all the other extras that make your life busy.

Did you get that? In my mind it makes perfect sense.

This night was wonderful. Filled with all of the natural times of teaching, sharing and laughter. I'd ask, he'd offer even more. When he didn't know how to pay for a $30 item with a $100 bill(his world requires a $20 & $10 bill), I explain he will receive change and watch his face light up with a sense of financial responsibility as he puts the said change in his own wallet. He has had this money since his birthday in August. As opposed to his brothers, he is a saver. He waited until he knew exactly what he wanted and even earned additional funds by collecting cans to recycle and extra chores to meet those desires. Wii game. Ninja costume. The biggest, fastest Nerf gun available. We sat in the aisle, on the floor, in WalMart comparative shopping. The number of bullets shot in three seconds is of the utmost importance when searching for the perfect Nerf. In this case, the biggest was the best(this thing is hilarious and huge). One last stop at the Dollar Tree to spend the last few dollars and even pick up a little something for "the brothers" A pleasant, conversation filled ride home. Ninja costume on. Gun assembled and loaded....then the sweetest thing. He walks up to Sam and says "Here ya go little brother, I got you a magnifying glass to burn ants, but you gotta give me a hug first!"(if you find that disturbing rather than sweet you may not have a houseful of boys) An ending to a date as momentous as any kiss.

Husbands

Well Husband. Thank goodness there's only one! My husband is in the bush. In a far off land with no electricity, no cell service, not even a zip code. Have you ever heard of "God's Country"? That's it, a place only God can find. I've been there too, so I know. He's there having "guy time". Shooting waterfowl.
I was furious when he was planning his trip. It's not the first, won't be the last, no matter how I protest. I find it selfish to plan a vacation for one's self when we are in one of the busiest seasons of life, leaving all responsibilities on the other's shoulders to chase ducks. Selfish. That's right I'm annoyed with my husband. I LOVE MY HUSBAND. Right now though I am finding it tough to understand this husband/wife dynamic. There is this pressure, unwritten law that we have to be all things for our husbands: lover, nurturer, maid, chef, encourager. They work to provide for our family, which is a pressure they carry, so we are supposed to understand that they "need" their guy time to release. We need to show respect, reverence them, allow them to lead.
I know what the Bible says: Wives submit to your husbands, Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church...that I get.
But here in the realness of everyday life(and not just in our home, it's widespread) Husbands love their wives but not always Christlike(No, wives aren't blamesless but this isn't about us, haha). They seem clueless as to who we are and what we need. Women want love in action, not just words, touches and gifts(which aren't bad, very nice actually). I don't need and emotional repair man, just an ear sometimes. I need to be seen in my gray and even sometimes bright red world even though his lenses are black and white. Not only seen but seen and not automatically stared at blankly as a rambling phsycotic.
While he's gone, I realize how much I really do need him. He is safety to me and balance. I do miss him. However realizing how much I need him just makes me more angry that he left, willingly. He calls, he misses us terribly, I believe him, truly. When he tells me about the adventure of the day- I completely zone out, I don't care. I'm mad. He'll come home and genuinely love on us tell us how much he missed us. And I'll be mad. He gets a pass. I'm mad.

Where have I been?

It has been so long!!! I haven't given up on my blog, I've just given up the thought that I have enough time to have a blog that will ever get a following! How can followers be faithful if I'm not?
Anyhow, quick update and experiences I've had while I was away. My two oldest boys are in sports........every season: baseball, football and wrestling. My husband was not allowed to play sports as a kid so he is more liberal than I am when it comes to extra curriculars. I have been continually expressing my concerns( a nice way to say complaining and whining) to him about how our life is being run by someone else's schedule, our family togetherness time is endangered and our one on one time with each child extinct. I suggested that next year they have to choose only 2 sports so that we can continue to enforce our theme of academics before sports and God and family before either of those. The husband was not excited about weeding out the boys' activities. He felt we would be punishing the boys by not allowing them to do something they enjoy, which I kind of see his perspective........but not really. Recently, on the Today Show, there was a child Psychologist talking about family time, schedules etc. She suggested allowing children to do only 1 or 2 extra curriculars and doing them WELL! So, of course, now I have an expert backing me up, time to talk to the hubby again. We talked with each other and then with the boys. The decision came quite easily for them(not even a hint of disappointment) and dad is taking it well. We want to teach our kids to do everything they do, 100%. Not to spread themselves too thin and focus on what is really important. When they look back at their childhood, they won't remember the record of their baseball season '09, but they will remember the time we spent with them and the lessons we taught.
We've also started a new dinner ritual. Everyday, naming at least one thing we are thankful for. Kids are selfish by nature. "Can we go here or there?" "I want......." can be exhausting and for me infuriating! I don't believe that my children are more greedy or selfish than other children, they are just children. Too much is not enough. In our quest for simplicity I have made it my psychotic goal for my children to be different. Focus on the things we do have and caring for them for what they are: gifts God has provided and allowed us to have.
And then there is church. I am fed up with Christianity. Not Christ. Not the church as a whole, but just "churchiness". We have landed in a pretty great local church(finally) and I am so thankful, it has been a refreshing blessing. However, outisde of that church, my eyes have been opened to what the body looks like from the outside observer...and it goes a little something like this: A right-wing Republican who wears an "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart" bumper sticker on his car, supports the war at any cost(because after all Iraq is ancient Babylon), opposes every thing Democrat(God forbid a Democratic President encourage our children to stay in school and be responsible for their own future and success), can quote 10 verses from memory on the spot but cannot tell you their next door neighbor's hobbies, workplace or last name(I'm guilty of that) and passing judgement on everything from homosexuality to partaking in a social drink......Blah!!!!!
Want people to see The Light? Try being a light, clothed in grace, mercy and kindness.......quite literally..for Christ's sake! Listen and express genuine concern and compassion as a human being designed for relationships with others, share struggles and be real, not self righteous. Love truth but be known for love and integrity instead of knowledge and scorning. My husband and I have been having this conversation with ourselves and each other and for US, this is what God has shown us he wants in his representation here on earth.
So these are a few of the things we have been "chewing on" while I've been away...........more to come.

Jon & Kate...It's not a riddle

What do you call 2 people who have made their world revolve around their children for the sake of riches and seem surprised that their marriage fell apart?
It's not a riddle, it's real(ality TV)...Jon & Kate.
I am going to go on a completely judgemental rant but they put themselves into my living room (not to mention the grocery checkout and the airwaves in my car all day long)so therefore open to my criticism...right?
I don't care if you have 1 child or 8, making a marriage work is exactly that....work. Work that you do on purpose. Purposefully considering your spouse and meeting each others needs. Finding time to connect beyond the commonality of the children you share. We all fall into seasons where the kids occupy the majority of our time and it's easy to be swept up in the wind of that season and loose focus of your center and foundation. However if you purposefully choose not to let the wind to carry you away....it won't. Spouses united by God and led by his example is the biggest gift you can give your children. Among friends and acquaintances, I have seen this happen before. Obviously, divorce is not new. Parents feel it unnecessary or guilt ridden when it comes to focusing on each other. C'mon, if you love and respect your spouse, your children are not neglected, they are blessed. Setting aside time for the love of your life allows your children to understand and replicate healthy, loving relationships...with friends, family and someday their own spouse.
Kate says she "doesn't want to be alone", did she ever consider that epiphany over the past 5 years she berated Jon for everyone to see? She stepped out of her role as a wife and effeminated her husband.
Jon says " he's sad and excited at the same time. sad that things ended the way they did but excited for his new life" Why wasn't he excited about his role as husband and father? He was clearly born with a spine, why didn't he use it?
They both say "I'll always love Jon/Kate as the father/mother of my children" What about simply loving the mother/father?
I am so infuriated by these two. I understand the labor of having 8 children is beyond my fathom however I feel no empathy to either. While they orbit the planet of Children, they still manage to be completely self involved. Kate and her hair and Jon and his "new life" will take turns living in the "kids' house" (are you kidding me? Jon & Kate were just guests? Can you say future entitlement issues?) adding further to the confusion these poor kids are experiencing. But "the show must go on"? Neither Jon nor Kate even paused to think that maybe they should withdraw from the limelight(maybe then they wouldn't have paparazzi issues), protect their children, and at least attempt to rebuild their relationship. UGHH!!! I could go on forever.
Bottom line. Talk to your spouse. Respect your spouse. Love your spouse. Consider your Spouse.
Your kids will thank you.

I'm losing!

Well here it is.....I've lost 17 lbs. I'm proud of that but I am stuck and frustrated. Not that 17 isn't an accomplishment because I know that it is, but attaining good health is sometimes tiring and just plain boring! Healthy eating does not include fried mozzarella, pizza(at least not the good kind), buffalo wings or bleu cheese dressing. I know, I know.......in moderation. However, I did go to the library today and checked out 6 different cookbooks so I'm finding some new motivation and I started yoga this week in addition to my walking. Did I mention I hate working out? I had to add a different type of exercise to pass this plateau...or so I'm told. But maybe -15 lbs later I'll agree but right now I'm going to complain....ok, I'm done.
While I was at the library though, I was saddened. Because of funding losses our small but incredible library will be closing two days a week! We love the library! They had already cut hours but it didn't match the funding loss so now they will be closed on Wed and Fri. So sad. It's crazy to me that in this economic mess the one place that offers free entertainment and virtually endless reading resources would be the one of the first cut made by our legislature. Families like mine are always looking for inexpensive or free fun...ESPECIALLY NOW! If only Mommy's made the rules.
Why do I stay up so late? Tomorrow I will complain about the earliness of my risers.
I can't sleep because I have this idea....a really good idea. It's a non-profit. In these financially tough times can generosity and charity prevail? It's on my mind. If it comes to fruition a community can be changed. I'd tell you what it is...but then I'd have to kill ya. It's on my mind and my heart. I will tell you when it's real. I'm brainstorming.

Blooming Where they are Planted

Okay, Okay, I'm not getting any better at keeping up with my blog. I'm reluctantly accepting that this is just part of the season that I am living. A season where the flowers grow so quickly and consume so much of my sunshine......but I have to enjoy their beauty while it's blooming. Before I know it their roots will outgrow the bed in which they are contained and will have to be transplanted to bloom and bring beauty to another landscape.....besides mine. I remember them as seedlings, dainty sprouts....now, budding perennials that grow bigger and more beautiful every year. The days of constant weeding, fertilizing, the right amount of watering, dirty hands working the soil are not over, but their maturity allows us more time just to enjoy their splendor...the most enjoyable season of a garden.......even if it is baseball season.

"Friends influence the direction and quality of life"

Today, I wanted to move. Move somewhere, where we are strangers, to start new relationships, be somewhat anonymous. Growing up and then residing in a small town is quaint, close knit, quiet.....but also intrusive, haunting. Haunted by relationships past, mistakes made, hurt applied. Like when your at your son's baseball game and you see that "Mean Girl" from High School, a beautiful rose as always, but still with thorns. You know logically and biblically you should pray for her, love her but it seems like a waste. Even though, my God wore thorns to remove hers just as he did mine, it's tough. And so the wheels of my mind turn continuously, oiled by the hurtful past between us and the promise that leaving would make things so much easier because the slates would be clean, both mine and the people I would meet............
Then I came home to find a voicemail on the cell phone I forgot. Reminding me, life is precious, fragile, genuine friendships hold value. The recorded voice of a friend. Our mutual friend has had some health concerns which, as of now, are increased concerns. As I prayed for my friend, I was soothed. My focus had switched. From self-centered pity to pleading, selfless love over the wounds of my friend. Then to the soul of a "mean girl" who if faced with the same concerns would have no praying friends. There's no time to change the past, only love the now.
Our pastor made a comment in the message this past Sunday.."Friends influence the direction and quality of life" based on Proverbs 12:26 The righteous choose their friends carefully....
2009 has brought me new and blossoming friendships with Godly women and as today reflects they certainly influence my direction and definitely improve the quality of my life.

Happy Birthday Sammy!

I can't believe we're celebrating 6 years of your life! Our third and final addition to our family. Daddy didn't believe that we were pregnant as I spoke through laughter-a side effect of the shock. I couldn't fathom #3 coming before #2 reached age two! What! We can't deny that we secretly hoped you would be a girl. The day I laid on the noisy, paper covered table for the ultrasound, cold jelly, clicking computer keys, I looked at the technician and my mommy senses(kind of like Spidey-Senses, without the webs) took over and I stated "It's a boy, right?" "Yes, it's a boy". Knowing that we had two boys already she asked "Are you okay?" ....."Of course I'm okay, I'm having a healthy baby." Although after having 2 little men and agonizing over the perfect names for them as well, we had read, discussed and dismissed every boy name except one....Samuel. The meaning of your name will differ slightly depending on the text. "God Listens" is the one that glued your title to our hearts. We weren't planning or even thinking about conception but the moment you were placed in my womb, we understood that you were a desire that we didn't realize we had, but God knew. He knew that you would complete our family. That you would have the sweetest, perfectly spaced tooth, smile that sometimes makes it difficult to discipline you. You would be such a pleasant baby, sometimes one would ask "Where's Sam?" when you were right next to me, quiet as a mouse. You would grow into an entertaining toddler with his mom's gift/curse of always having the last word and a face as handsome as your daddy. You love mac & cheese, muscle shirts, "long" pants, turtles, Gnaden Park, your puppy, Aunt Tam's house, sticks and snake hunting. You had your final round of immunizations that will thrust you into the approaching world of school...you buried you head into Daddy's chest, tears were few and you were brave. You are an amazing young man with a heart for adventure, friendships and kisses. I joke about the freedom I will have as you move into the next adventure but the truth is I will miss the sewing lessons you give me, the aliens we destroy with the help of our alien dog, and the presence of you feet running up the hallway in the morning to kiss my cheek(because you have to brush your teeth first) and ALL the countless ways you brighten my day. I am so thankful for the one on one time we have been given together the past two years with "the brothers" in school. I hope they will reside in your soul like they do in mine. I love you my beautiful boy. Happy Birthday Samuel.

10 Reason to love being a SAHM

Today in the midst of trying to tackle my to-do list, I get a call from the school. Mind you, I had just taken the oldest to school at 10 am because he had a "belly ache". I know, I shouldn't fall for it, but what is worse keeping him home for a couple of hours or not believing him and him throwing up on the school bus? I hate making that call, I'm never sure ...send them or not send them. Anyway, the call. Miss Sherry calls and informs me that said child ripped out his pants in gym class and needed a change of pants. So 2 trips to the school in 2 hours. Yea. But on the way home the second time, I had an epiphany, I was so thankful that I am a "Stay at Home Mom". Amid the monotony and laundry, one who is available to bring my son the pants that will shield him from further embarrassment. Sharing a giggle with him at the sight of his pants. I thought of some of the other reasons during my drive and I had to make a post out of it.
10(there are more)Reason I love being a SAHM

• When my child is sick I am the one caring for them.
• Ripped pants? no problem, Mom to the rescue.
• When I explain to my youngest what happened to Tanner's pants, he asks "Who's Jim"(Gym) and I was there to hear it.
• the negotiating and mult-tasking skills I have acquired will aid me when I monopolize the purse industry.
• I can rearrange my kitchen cupboards as many times as I want, all in the name of "keeping" my home.
• I can make my family healthy meals from my kitchen.(I'm not sure if I worked outside the home, that would be a priority to me, convenience would trump)
• I have Tuesday Morning coffee with friends every two weeks.
• My boys anticipate seeing my face when they walk through the door after school. If my husband happens to be standing in my place, they ask "Where's Mom?"
• My husband appreciates what I do.
• I may not have time for a pedicure but I have played "This little piggy" more times than I can count.
• I may not get as many books read as I would like, but the library is one of my kids' favorite places to go, and I make time to read to them.

Ok, I know that's 11 but I couldn't help it, I'm not great with limits.

If your a working momma, please know that I am not under minding your mothering skills. Sometimes it's just the "little things" that remind me why I chose to stay at home full time and today was one of those days. Now, go kiss your kiddos and make YOUR list!

Me and My Shadow

I'm walking. 5 miles a day, at least 5 days a week. My mom bought me a pedometer after she had weight loss, lowered cholesterol and increased energy making 10,000 steps everyday, the recommended amount. Today though, I walked 10 miles and I noticed something.....my shadow and my motivation to keep walking. Have you noticed when your walking with the sun to your back your shadow looks long and lean? Well I have... And though I'm 5'2" my goal is to achieve at least, the lean part. For me and my body type, carrying 3 boys in 4 years and caring for those little guys at home full time ever since, the weight has stuck with me since the birth of #3. If you follow me, you know that as my older two are now in elementary school, and my youngest approaching that age TOO QUICKLY, I have remembered there is another person who needs cared for......myself. It has given me the drive to start my own business and now I have this goal I also hope to achieve successfully. I've been doing this routine for about a month now, not wanting to publish it for fear of putting the cart before the horse. But as I am writing this, I realize it also gives me accountability.........something I need in all areas of my life. So there it is, my shadow is my goal and when I look in the mirror I hope to see a similar image.......someday.

Untamed Melody

"Mom, will you get me something to drink?"...."Sure"...."Well then why are you still sitting on your tushy?"
"Why am I looking at a bunch of weird ladies in their bras?"(Playtex commercial on tv)
"It's my turn, then Sam's, then my turn, then Tanner's, then my turn, that's how it works!"
"I don't know how to do my homework!!"(before he even looked at it)sob, sob.
These are some of the melodies being sung in our choir today. The conductor was able to enjoy some retail therapy today only to return and hear the off key and sometimes sour notes of her musical clan. Doe, Ray, Me(Do you think) Fa So La Tee Doe(you get a day off??!!) The conductor began singing soprano, her voice pitchy with unflattering rifts. Thankfully the curtain closed on tonight's follies with a musical rest of at least 8 measures(hours). Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen for coming out to see us, Have a wonderful night.

I knew this story before it was on Oprah

Dana was on Oprah and I MISSED IT! I just finished and returned today, one of the most moving, real and intimate stories I have ever read. A Journal for Jordan. This journal is written by a father to his son before and after his birth. His mother Dana Canedy wrote the book, including her own entries for their son, Jordan. She is a Pulitzer Prize-Winning Writer and as of today a guest on Oprah. The intensity, intimacy and fullness of the love she had for her husband and he for her, are undeniable. I regret that I never wrote that story for our boys. How their father and I met. How I fell in love with him through lengthy letters and phone calls while he was in the military and how a weekend visit proposal set in motion the story of our lives as a family.
Charles, Jordan's father: "Remember who taught you to speak, to walk and to be a gentleman, he wrote to Jordan in his journal. These are your first teachers, my little prince. Protect them, embrace them and always treat them like a queen. "
"Be humble about your accomplishments, work harder than the man next to you, it is all right for boys to cry. Sometimes crying can release a lot of pain and stress. Never be ashamed to cry. It has nothing to do with your manhood."(exerpts from the book)
Can you imagine how our society would differ if all fathers imparted this type of wisdom to their sons? If all wives reveered their husbands this way: "Sometimes you get lucky and catch a rainbow."
I don't want to spoil the book for you I WANT YOU TO READ IT! How would your level of interest change if I told you Charles died a military hero in Iraq and only met and spent 2 weeks with his son while home on leave..from the war....and never came home again.(This isn't a spoiler, you probably learned this on Oprah) Take a peek. Realize how fortunate you are to have a partner walking beside you in this journey of parenthood. How blessed you are to feel his touch.

Women are Crazy "sometimes"

It occurred to me today why my husband thinks that I am "sometimes"...crazy. I am not indecisive, in fact indecisiveness is a pet peeve of mine. I am an impatient, "say what you mean!" personality. However, there are "sometimes" moments in my life. Like today.

I have a set of wine glasses that I use for entertaining or quiet times with my husband. Occasionally, I will use them at the dinner table with special dinnerware, candles, the whole nine! I once read, you should never do something for a friend that you don't do for your own family, and I've made it a rule of thumb in my hostessing ritual. It thrills the boys when they see the beautifully set table and ask "who's coming over?" and I say..."No One!, we're celebrating us!!" We recently had such a night, same blessed, predictable result. If your still following me, I have a point....I am "sometimes" crazy. I walk into the kitchen tonight to see said wine glass filled with milk. "Who got the wine glass down?" Husband replies "I did". I didn't COMPLETELY over-react when he said "I thought it was okay because you let them use them for dinner", but I did react and said well it is okay, "sometimes"! (you know, when I say so!) To his logical, black and white mind, I am "nuts!", it's just a glass.

As I mentioned yesterday, we had a sheep who passed away, he was another "sometimes". I don't have an inherent gravitation toward animals. I complain about the stupidity of our now, four dogs and the moodiness of our cat. But "sometimes" a sweet, woolly, newborn lamb will tug at the heartstrings..... and drives the husband "nuts". "I can't believe you have no compassion for a dog but you love this sheep who poops on the porch every time we let him out, that's crazy!" he said.

Not wanting to bore you with my attention to detail I will list some of my other contradictions with bullets, my poor husband!

• I like a clean, organized home but when I'm feeling creative, it "sometimes" looks like a fabric/craft store exploded. You should see my sewing closet..crazy!



• I love fashion and clothing. I worked as a hair stylist before children, I design and sell purses but my poor husband sees more ponytails and jogging pants than one person should..crazy!



• I love when my husband listens to my long stories or rants but "sometimes" when he's speaking I insist he just gives me "the bottom line".....crazy(and rude)!



• I shine my sink several times a day with window cleaner but I could "sometimes" care less if my windows are washed(who can keep up with all those fingerprints anyway)...crazy.

These are only the ones that I am not completely embarrassed to share. Dear husband, I am sorry. I guess it is a women's prerogative to change her mind and contradict herself but it is a man's right to be annoyed by it. Thank you for always treating my "sometimes" as cute idiosyncrasies instead of intolerable gray in your black and white world. I love you.

Betty had a little lamb

This has been an almost very sad and very sad week so far in this house. First of all it's spring break in Ohio, interpreted to out of staters, an invitation for snow and rain. Trailing behind this wave of weather oxymoron, a family member of the feline species met the rubber of our neighbors vehicle. She survived, thankfully. Imagine how quickly the words I said just 2 weeks ago "I don't care if she runs outside again, maybe she'll get hit by a car!" came back to me. I saw the fear in my children's faces as we searched for her because she was hiding after her little scare and thought "now i really am a bad mom!". I, only half, jokingly wished my cat would be hit by a car w/o any regard of how much sadness that would bring to my children. Somehow over the past 3 years we have accumulated 2 beagles and a labrador retriever(kept outside), a sheep(also outside, ha!) a cat and most recently a puppy who is STILL not house broken! I would never mistreat an animal but I am not an animal lover. Yet somehow our family had six pets. Now I will admit, the ONE I did want was the sheep. I've always wanted one. I love the precious curls of their wool between my fingers. My dad started raising them about 2 years ago. When a mother has more than 1 lamb she may not feed them, as the case of "Sneakers". Named for his white hooves. To me, that meant "Sneakers" had to come home with us. The boys and I loved him! We fed him from a bottle and walked him on a leash. He was such a sweetie. Yesterday for no apparent reason he stopped eating. By this evening he wouldn't stand. Hours later, he died....

My 2 oldest boys are spending the night at Grandma's, so they are unaware. My youngest knows but he doesn't understand the finality of death yet. His innocence is bliss. A simple hug and final pat on the head would suffice for him. Tomorrow, however, we will have to bring the boys home from a fun overnight-er and hit them in the face with the sorrow of laying their dear pet to rest. A lamb. Do any of you find this overwhelmingly ironic that our lamb has died the week of Easter? As I sat beside this lamb watching him what seemed like a slow death, I felt such sadness and pain. It hit me that this animal, although dear to us, is a mere beast. Can you imagine how the Father must have felt watching his spotless Lamb die for our sins? When we brought "Sneakers" home, I was enthusiastic at the opportunity he gave me to teach my sons more about the Lamb, I just didn't think it would end this way, at this time. I am dreading the breaking of my sons hearts. I will cherish the honor of catching their tears. I won't have the perfect words. I will be thankful for the Lamb who died for me and loves me anyway.

The Momma Clause(Claws)

Momma bears have an instinctive desire to protect their cubs. This momma bear is feeling very instinctive. Kids can be so cruel. My oldest son Tanner is what the world would say is on the "chubby side". Although we encourage play and healthy eating, genetics and asthma meds contribute to his extra weight.

He's a little slower when he runs and a target of fore mentioned cruelty. We make it part of our purpose to assure him that he is "fearfully and wonderfully made" and that God made him with a heart like no one else's. He is unique and accepted, by us and a perfect, loving Creator.

He's playing baseball again this year and with every season comes new teammates. One in particular has caused this momma's claws to be exposed. I never want to be a mom who fights her cubs battles but there is clause in this rule that makes an exception. Every day at school he has to stand on his own and learn how to let things roll of his back and remember to embrace who he is. But when I am with him I have a right and a responsibility to protect him: The Momma Clause. As I sat watching him practice, I could see "George" teasing Tanner and once even heard him call Tanner stupid when he fielded the ball and became flustered and did not know what to do with the ball once it landed in his mitt. Then the climax..."Your a Fatty!" said "George". I thought I would supernaturally fly over the fence and pounce this fierce predator...but I didn't. I could see the pain in my son's face and the Momma Clause went into effect. However, seeing as I despise conflict, I told my husband, aka Pappa Bear. The leader of our den doesn't share my fear of confrontation. Hopefully now, the rules of the wilderness will be tamed.....before the Momma Clause is initiated fully and the Momma Claws are unleashed.

Shameless Plugging

More of my dreams are coming true. Two days ago I opened my webstore, selling my purses online! I am so excited! I have already sold my purses to aquaintances in other states and now I will be able to spread my brand across the nation much easier. Check out my store http://www.bugotot.etsy.com. I just had to take this opportunity for self-promotion. Thanks for allowing me to indulge!

It was supposed to be FUN!

Today was a rough one. I had a "perfect" day planned with my youngest son Samuel. He had some money he earned, burning a hole in his pocket and I have been extremely busy working lately so today was going to be about him. Mommy & Me time. None of the "I can't right now honey, mommy's working", "You'll have to play by yourself sweetie, mommy's working". I think he gets it "mommy's working". I was just as tired of saying it as he was hearing it. So today we were going to the dollar store, lunch at McDonald's, and back home for all the imaginative play he could muster and maybe even the library. Well, the distribution of his funds was easy then off to lunch. Started off well, great conversation, smiles and giggles. Then a friend and her granddaughter came in and sat beside us, which interpreted, is an audience. He thought it hilarious to throw out phrases such as "Mommy, wanna eat my underwear?"...(WHAT!?), "I just farted on this cheeseburger, hee hee!" (the seats look like cheeseburgers). Trying to keep my cool, I patiently remind him to use his table manners, not to be rude and not to talk like that in front of ladies. He doesn't stop. Until they leave.

Ok, regroup. It's alright. Let's just play- which really was the highlight of the day. As long as Sam can tell people what to do, he's having a good time. But all good things must come to an end. I had to do a little cleaning up before the other 2 came home. The tears begin to flow-"Your mean!" "Call someone to come play with me", "I'm bored, there's nothing to doooo"-and it doesn't stop......all night....and daddy already had plans with the older 2 boys.....no relief. So after 3 hours of tears and complaints I tell him to get a board game that we can play. He set it up and play resumes..He seems pleased....until he doesn't get the card he wanted....feet start kicking....tears resume. I warn him and he takes his turn...still not the card he wanted...whining and attitude present. Having to stand my ground , I pack up the game and put it away. I have to walk away so I get into the shower while he moans outside the bathroom door. Enough is enough, "get ready for bed". More distress. (Daddy, please come home!! Mommy needs reinforcement!) He's still crying....himself to sleep............Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oh and I almost forgot in the midst of all this drama, our new puppy kept having "accidents" in the house regardless of his recent and regularly scheduled bathroom breaks

I know kids are selfish by nature and these days happen. But why does it always seem to coincide with the rare one on one time. He's 5, not 3...right? Is he seeing this ungratefulness in my life? This isn't my first experience with this behaviour in my children but it is never any less frustrating. We didn't make it to the library...........The End.

What's on your ipod?

iam having a totally, well not totally, unproductive evening. You see, as iexperience successes in my business, ireward myself with gifts. No, not often. It's my love language-receiving gifts-and I'm not someone who shops endlessly due to lack of time and money. Anyhow, ibuy something for myself intsead of cutting myself a monetary check. Sometimes it's something simple, like a hair cut(usually way overdue!), this month it was an ipod(oh yea and some time in Georgia). At the beginning stage of a business so many of the funds are reinvested into growth so a paycheck is irregular, at least for me, so when I have been overwhelmed with orders ilike to treat myself now and then.
Like isaid....the ipod. iwent with the nano so icould afford to put songs onto this fun little device. ihave spent a ridiculous amount of time(jerry too) on itunes saying "what's that one song...?", "Oh, this is a good one!" and "Wow babe, look at this playlist, we are definitely INTO our 30's"
ilove all types of music. Worship, rap, hip hop, country, oldies(like my mom's music), oldies(like my kids call my music)......really anything, but especially songs with great harmonies. So now that ihave a whopping 93 downloads ihave been analyzing my playlists(why should this be different than anything else?). Now before iproceed, understand this is only my perspective on music choice, so in advance iapologize if your offended. istrive to be non judgemental, not indecisive, just not a scorner of other people's choices. Hopefully sometimes a light and always a friend who can reciprocate a real relationship. itend to believe someone who only likes one type of music leans on the close minded end of the spectrum. If you love pop but hate every other style of music, you are missing out on the unique contributions other styles lend to the art of music(isay as iam listening to hillsong united followed by tone-loc...seriously!) How can you be more relational than Country? Understand the stuggles of poverty and inner-city life more than in the lyrics of Rap? Less stressed than while dancing to a peppy pointless Pop Song? More taken back to your courtship than the sound of you and your husband's Power Ballad?...More connected to the Spirit than in the heart of Worship? Sure you can prefer one over the other but what would happen if you opened yourself up to something different, appreciated it for what is, and then carried that concept into friendships and even into ministry? iknow that if we were less busy judging and more busy developing a level of acceptance, we could build genuine relationships exceedingly and reach those who are starving for the ultimate acceptance. Before isign off, please know iget that we all struggle with judgement, we're human, it's a sin flaw, idon't claim to be above it, ijust think that it is the obstacle to beautiful harmonies. So I ask.....What's on your ipod?
p.s. im sorry this was so long, if all of my parenthesis annoy you and for ending my post with a question 2 days in a row!

Find Your Thing

As a stay-at-home mom I have been able to be witness incredible views...first smiles, first words, first steps and first days of school. Being a wife and a mother are my favorite jobs. However 2 years ago, I got an itch. An itch to do something for me (that will eventually benefit my family). I am a creative, driven, inventive personality. How vain right? Well no. Being a full time diaper changing, bottle making, laundry doing, meal preparing momma has it's periods of monotony. And during those periods, frustration and discontent set in. Not with your family but with the inability to release those dreams and ambitions you had before them. As long as I can remember I have wanted to simultaneously be home with my family and own my own business. So did a lot of serious introspection. God designed me uniquely gifted and I literally took inventory of those gifts. I love design..of houses, clothing, creation. I am a dreamer...a forward, what if this could happen thinker. I love to work with my hands...ideas manifested. I'm passionate...about almost everything.-what I like or dislike-there is usually no indifference in me. So with these gifts in mind I began playing with my sewing machine...long story short..I am enjoying gradual and increasing success in owning my own home-based business. I am designing, assembling and selling my own line of handbags, bugotot. The brand name is a combination of my three son's nick names: Tanner bug, Owie(Owen) and Tiny tot(Samuel).
This was my thing. My creative outlet. My sense of accomplishment. My dream realized.
One thing that brings me great joy is seeing other moms finding their thing. I feel a sense of pride in seeing all this hidden potential and talent revealed. The inspiration for this post did not only come from my own story but one that has just begun to be written. Jess and her friend Ginny are also stay-at-home moms who are embarking on their own business venture. Jess is an artist in every sense of the word, painting, writing and an overall eye for beauty. She has an incredible heart for service. To God and people. She, like me, strives to live simply. So with all these traits in which God instilled into her combined with Ginny's unique gifts they have launched a website. A resource for moms in our county to find free entertainment and educational outings. Save money, share tips, find encouragement and encourage (and allow moms with home-based businesses to advertise for free, added bonus, but not the reason for my excitement). I am thrilled to see these two mommies use their God infused talents into something that will not only prosper their spirits but others as well. Even if your not a local, you should check it out www.tuscmom.com. Very inspiring.
I realize not all stay-at-home moms have this desire but if you do, get the pen and the paper and write down the things that make you..you. What do you love? What are your talents? Your personality? How can I shape those dreams into real life achievement? What is my thing?

Metamorphosis

Little boys, at the beginning are like every other child. they need nurtured, loved, fed, rocked.....they need their mommy. However, before you know it these sweet little creatures begin to realize they are something special...warriors. When mommy comes into the room expecting morning kisses, she may get one....followed by "bang, bang!" That's right a gunshot. Who taught them that fingers could pose as weapons? To climb trees at heights that mommy won't attempt and contemplates calling the local fire department for rescue? When did these sweet little babies become incapable of passing their brothers in the hallway without tackling?

"Mommies don't wrestle" is a constant in my vocabulary. Boys are inherently just that....BOYS. Created to exhibit strength. Do everything "hard"...play hard, love hard, and hard willed. Determined to prove their manliness by peeing on trees and accumulating scars. Convincing the baby-sitter that "mommy lets us" fill up a barrel and drop our 4 yr old brother into it as long as he's wearing his life jacket. The list goes on. With all this will and determination it is sometimes easy to feel inadequate in molding them. I can see daily, what a great job Daddy is doing. Teaching them responsibility, discipline, work, shaping them into the men they will become and just giving them the rough play they crave. When will I see the grace and empathy that I diligently strive to instill? The answer? Today. My oldest son is now 9. Over the last couple of months there has been a maturity switch that has flipped in him. He willingly obeys, he's immediately remorseful of backtalk and actually offers helpfulness. Yesterday while playing outside with Daddy he came running toward the door in 100% boy style. Aggressively and quickly. I heard the stampede approaching but didn't think twice about it until it happened. From my helpless perspective, it was in slow motion. Two hands braced straight forward intending to push open a door, come straight through out-dated, single pane glass. Instantly I am in well disguised panic mode, crossing hundreds of shards of glass to draw him in and inspect. "Are you ok, are you cut?(over and over again) Two 1/2 inch scrapes, that's all. Fear and the bleeding cuts produced little tears. The downpour came after he looked at Daddy cleaning up the mess. "I'm so sorry I broke the door" he managed to say through his sobbing. We repeatedly and genuinely explained we didn't care about the door, our concern was him. But he felt so badly, we could only assure him of our forgiveness and let him cry it out in our arms. This morning as he kissed me before he walked out that same door..."I really am sorry that I broke the door, Mommy, I know your glad I'm ok, but I just want you to know I meant it when I said I was sorry. I don't want you or Daddy to have to work extra to pay for it."

I'm so proud of you Tanner..the child you are and the man you will be. I'm so thankful for your tender heart!~Love Mommy

Breathing

"God often allows His own provision to cease in order to teach us that all provision comes from Him and not from the intermediate source that He provides."~Pastor Paul Richardson, West Ridge Church, Georgia.
You may have to read and re-read this quote for it to make sense(and read 1Kings 17:8-16)....I only had to read it once. God sent Elijah to drought stricken Zarephath to stay with a widow and her son. Elijah asked her for water and cake. She replied that she had only enough for her and her son and then they would die. But Elijah told her to get the cake for him first and then for her and her son. "For thus saith the Lord God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day that the Lord sendeth rain upon the earth"17:14. Just a side note, If I only had enough food in the kitchen to feed my children one more time I don't know if I would feed the stranger first. However, she did and her meal nor oil never ran out.....it's not raining yet. This was the premise and inspiration of the message...
Drought. Promises. Miracles.
I have to fill in some missing pieces that made this so profoundly relevant to me. I was "running away" from Ohio weather to (supposedly) warm and sunny Georgia, where they are literally experiencing a drought. And you guessed it! The whole time I was there is was cool, gloomy and RAINING!! The past year has been a heavy spiritual trial for Jer and I and some of our dearest friends, who I was there to visit. I was so excited to step into their new world and see them "at home". Besides their literal home being beautiful, they have exciting prospects in the works and found an incredible local church,which I also visited. I didn't have a lot of expectations. First time visits to churches are typically uneventful. Filled with awkwardness and distraction from the message due to one's preoccupation with curiosity. Not this church. Not for me. Not familiar with their worship songs allowed me to meditate on the words being sung to my God. The rain poured from my eyes and outside the windows. The soil in my dry, broken heart was moistened. I was breathing, in church no less. If you follow this blog you'll understand. Following worship the pastor taught from the fore mentioned passage. He spoke of the droughts people suffer, mine-"a drought in spirit" and how "it hadn't rained in soo long!" Continuously wiping rain drops from my cheeks and hearing them all around me was no irony. It was God. Reminding me "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee(Heb 13:5c)". After the service, Heidi asked if I was ok, and I told her "I'm good, I just haven't been able to breathe like that in church for soooo long." The fact was, I was lightened, lifted and reunited.....but that's a lot to express when it's raining. I was breathing. I know one service is not the rain that I'm praying for but I will take these scattered showers until it does.......it's not raining yet.............but it will.
(another non-coincidence, read the rest of 1Kings 17. the widow's son falls seriously ill and "there was no breath left in him". Elijah cries out to God and the Lord hears him and the boy is "revived"~totally read that 2 days after I made the breathing comment)

I'm home

Not right now because I'm hangin with my honey, but I can't wait to post about my trip....check back soon...it was great!!

Escape

I'm headed out. Georgia, here I come. A weekend with a dear friend, no husband or kids(as much as I love them)=fun and relaxation. AHHHH. I've been away for days at a time with Jerry but never by myself for more than a day. I'M SO EXCITED! I hate to see my kids growing so fast, I miss the "baby days" but I have also always longed for the days when they were easier to care for and I could just pick up and leave for the weekend without worry..not often...just when needed. Not to self edify, but I have been working a lot, the handbag business is doing well in this strange economy and I needed to get away.
My sweet friend Heidi moved to Georgia a couple of months ago and they came back this week to pick up some of their belongings to move into their new home. While her hubby will be driving the moving truck, he suggested that she ask someone to ride back with her and then fly them home....I am so blessed...she asked me. I can't wait to see their new hometown, house and church. I don't care what we do I'm just so excited to be with her and share her new experiences.
Sorry to say...no mommy guilt here. Or should I say "Happy to say...". I've reached a point in my life where I realize no one spends more time with my children than I do and it's a valid investment that will not falter because I go away for the weekend. Although wife and mom are the most beloved titles I own, I sometimes complain about my role. You know, "I never have days off", "When you(husband) leave work, its fun time" "When do I get a day off?" "I can't go away, who will cook, do the dishes, lay out the kids clothes?" All the excuses stay-at-home moms use to not make time for themselves. Add this word to your vocabulary...
Rejuvenate~1 a: to make young or youthful again : give new vigor to b: to restore to an original or new state 2 a: to stimulate (a stream) to renewed erosive activity especially by uplift b: to develop youthful features of topography in(Merriam-Webster Online)
Wouldn't that be a great way to return to your family and a priceless verb to add to your resume?

Job Description: Wife & Mom
Salary: hahahahahahaha...Nope!
Goals: To be 100% present with my husband and children while building my own business
Responsibilities: Love always, Follow, Lead, Hug & Kiss, Referee, Read, Heal boo boo's, Counsel, Teach.
Quarterly Tasks: Rejuvenate. ( profitable restoration for a mom and inevitably the whole family. aka-profit sharing!)
.

Disney on Ice Baby!!!

I feel like a little kid!! Tomorrow I am taking my 5 year old son to his (and Mine) first Ice Capades!(Do they even call it that anymore?) The anticipation of his big blue eyes staring in amazment at his favorite Disney Characters is stirring butterflies in my stomach!!! It's "our little secret" until the brothers come home from school tomorrow...otherwise I would never get them on the bus in the morning....and it is so sweet to share this hidden getaway with him. Being the third child, he and I have not had as much one on one time together, logistically it hasn't been possible. But with the other two in school everday, it is....we have shared countless days talking, sharing, exploring and creating. "Dates" have been more frequent and tomorrow is a BIG ONE!!! I can't wait to spend the whole day with you Sammy! I love you!!!

Hugs.........I Love Hugs!!!

Hug. Embrace. Hold. Squeeze. To me, a hug is the most simple and personal display of affection. Even from my husband I'd prefer a hug over a kiss any day. When he pulls me in and gives me that "I missed you" hug, my stress level shrinks and the business of the day disappears. But today I'm referring to the hug from a friend. I was so fortunate to see three of my sweetest friends between yesterday and today. To actually spend quality time with a friend in that volume in a two day span is a rarity to a stay at home momma. To say "your thoughts are safe", "you've been missed" and "I love you" with the simple gesture of a hug is invaluable. When I feel connected to someone, a hug is almost involuntary but never void. I always mean it. Laura, Heidi and Kim are such genuine, kind beings. Their first inclination is always to think of others first and I'm glad they think of me. I'm so lucky to have them in my life and thankful for their incredibly comforting hugs. Have you hugged someone lately?

I Hate When I do That!

After having a childless wonderful weekend with my hubby....it happened. We were in an argument. A legitimate one, but not the way I wanted to close out the weekend. I was so angry I didn't kiss him goodnight, a first in a looooong time. I first have to say my husband is a good man. Thoughtful, loving, affectionate and an incredible father. And yes I am guilty of those random complaints of all his idiosyncrasies, as if I don't have any, but he is my favorite person.
I was not in a forgiving mood and stubbornness broke the chain of our vow to never go to bed angry with each other or without discussing our perspectives on the disagreement. I hate when I fall into these spoiled little brat days of old. So, husband, I'm sorry.
But on a happier note, and a little random, God has really brought some special ladies into my life. At a time in my life when things seemed very stale, some sugar has been sprinkled. We have the essential, natural connections that I've mentioned before...effortless friendship. Such a blessing.
And to top this day with a cherry, my 5 year old, Sam became the "housekeeper". Complete with his own "to do" list, the beds were made, toilet scrubbed, litter scooped and floor swept. He was so cute trying to help Mommy out. I was sewing today and he so wanted to impress me with his cleaning abilities.......and he certainly did. As I was cleaning my sewing mess, he walked into the kitchen and said "Ugh, Mom, you didn't do the dishes!" I guess my lack of responsibility took away from the aesthetic value of his work!

This is What Has Been in my Heart, Thus the 2 Week Hiatus

If you've read my blog, you know that over the past 6 months we have been churchless. We don't fit where we used to and aren't quite sure where we fit now. It has taken a toll. On me, my husband and my innocent children. Jerry and I were just talking tonight about without a (church)home, for the time being, we have to allow God to re-light that fire inside of us where we are. Our devotion time has gone from suffering to non-existent. We feel a little like the Easter/Christmas church goers, which is not a judgemental statement just a reality that is foreign to us. Starting tomorrow we will have devotion time with our Father and our children again.
We have seen not-so-positive changes in our children due to our lack of investment in them. Not only through the lack of the Word of God but in our mission to "bring them alongside us in what we are doing"(~Josh Clark, great teacher, friend and blog). We have been sharing proximity more often than not but we have allowed busy-ness to interfere with the business of sharing and being. Their relationship with others recently, directly reflects our relationship with God right now and my heart is so heavy with grief. I know my God is here for me now and tomorrow, the same as 6 months ago and before, but our failure is real and reflective. I feel a little "icky" putting this out there, but I promised to always be real so there it is.....today I am a HOPEFUL FAILURE. Loved. Grieved. Already Forgiven.

2 weeks....Geesh!!

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've made an entry. Busy, Busy, Busy!!!
Today I'm meeting my friends for coffee again and I can't wait! I am loving this process of getting to know these ladies more....which is unusual for me. I look forward to hearing what is going on in their lives and the encouragement that we share. God provides an incredible bond between us and seeing it bloom is an incredible blessing...Love ya Ladies!!

The Hen Meeting

This morning was a continuance of a new tradition. About one month ago four friends and I with children of the same age began having Tuesday morning coffee talks. My husband would call it a "Hen Meeting" or this morning he referred to it as an episode of The View........but regardless of what you call it, it has been very encouraging to me. All of the ladies have a grounded relationship with Christ and we are striving together to raise our children on the same ground. This morning we talked a lot about having "the talk" continuously throughout our children's lives. It was so refreshing to hear the different perspectives that we are facing. Two of us have all boys, one has all girls and the other two have both. (Heather wasn't there today but we missed her!) I love hearing the concerns of a mom with girls and being able to integrate that into the conversations that Jerry and I have with our boys about sex. TESSA made a reference to a class she had participated in at her church which stated "Our parents never talked about sex or money, but they had both!" And that was so profound to me.....and so true!! Sex was never described as a beautiful, sacred event between a husband and wife.......it was only advised that I "don't do it." In our family we are going to break the cycle of secrecy and shame and communicate to our boys the joy, intimacy and boundaries of a sexual relationship. I pray faithfully that Jerry and I will equip our boys to make wise decisions when hormones are raging...and beyond.

Love in its Purest Form-A Child

Today, at a wrestling tournament of all places, I saw the most genuine, sympathetic act of kindness. From a five year old. My son Sammy is a passionate little guy in victory and defeat. After winning one match, he lost the next two. It was the last match of the season. The big one. Immediately following his second loss, he realized there would be no medals in his near future. Devastation!! He ran to me, squeezing and crying "Now I'm not going to get a medal" My heart was breaking for him, he was so disappointed. His very best friend Austin was sitting next to us and just received his 4th place medal. He and Sammy have this kindred connection that I have never witnessed between two people so young. You could see the agony in his face, witnessing his friend's broken heart. He took his medal, the first he had ever won and handed it to Sammy, "Here Sammy, you can have mine." Sam's spirit immediately lifted and he hugged his dear friend and thanked him. Austin's mom and I sat there in utter disbelief. How selfless this little guy had been. Even at my urging for him to keep his very first medal, Sammy's happiness was more important than his own. What an incredible act of love. We ended up getting a replacement medal for Austin, not because he asked for one, because a heart like that deserves to be adorned.

Who I really am

I have had quite a few people tell me how inspired and taken they are by my blog. I think that is wonderful. It tickles me that people find encouragement here and hope they continue to. But I hope I haven't been deceiving you. You see, these are the random and inter-most thoughts I have when I am all alone, I'm a dreamer by design so my mind is constantly reeling. At the end of the day I mentally gather them up and spew them out. I feel like all of these thoughts, although 100% genuine may have made me seem to good to be true.
My biggest struggle is taking all my dreams and desires of my heart and putting them into action. Fear. I am a somewhat guarded person. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm not, as I have said before, the life of the party. Some one's first impression of me would probably be that I am quiet, to a stranger of course. Friendships have to come naturally for me, by circumstance and likeness. Trust is hard for me, but once your in...your in. I love my friends.
I do work very hard at being a mom. But like everyone else there are times of impatience, anger and weariness. I wish someone would have been that honest with me when all 3 of my children were 3 years old and younger. The women who "mentored" me, loving and good intentioned, made me feel like everything was my fault. If the kid threw a fit in Wal-Mart, it was because I allowed it to happen at home. If he was shy around strangers, it was because I didn't teach him that when an adult speaks to him, he should say "hello". If he doesn't address adults as "Miss" "Mr." etc. I wasn't teaching him respect. And are you ready for this: you should never have to raise your voice if you are positioning yourself as the authority in their lives. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! I, by no means think I have this "mommy thing" mastered but I do believe that what my kids need to see in me is realness. That I'm not perfect but I can ask for forgiveness, that their behavior may not always be pleasing but I can forgive. That mommy isn't Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart but I love investing in my family and home. And I may not always agree with Daddy but I still love him and kiss him everyday when he comes home and dance w/o music when he hugs me. So to all my misguided mentors, I forgive you. And friends, I hope this will be encouraging for you: Sometimes, kids just act like kids and your job is to direct them in the path of righteousness.(and that doesn't mean they need a spanking EVERY time!)
I was just telling a friend yesterday, more often than not, I blame my parents for all of my character flaws. They weren't perfect parents but I'm sure they thought they were doing their best. I wasn't always protected and there are consequences to that. However, I found The Perfect Parent and He has redeemed me. I don't have to fall into these old patterns unless I choose to. I was given new life and try my best to live it, I fail, but I'm forgiven and lifted back up.
My husband is my best friend. You may not have gathered that from me. We are complete opposite in almost every way.......except for the ways that count. We disagree about the little things, but we're together. Not just physically.....we're really together. He's an incredible Daddy and he loves me even when I'm unlovable.
I love my boys. I am so proud of them and love watching them grow. They are so unique and peculiar. Creative and bright in different ways. I love teaching, nurturing, and shaping them into the men they will become. But I HATE SNOW DAYS! We are approaching snow day #4+ a weekend tomorrow. A friend of mine informed me that with the holidays, MLK Day, In-service and snow days our kids have only been in school 10 out of the past 40 days. Ewww! Once your kids are in school this whole new world opens up to you...without diapers, bottles, sippy cups, playdates. Mommy can actually have playdates and clean her house and even exercise her creative bones. You love to see them come home but you don't cry when they leave!
There is some guilt in admitting that I have become quite accustomed to this routine, a little selfish. Their intrusion has exhausted every fun activity I can think of to do indoors. Normalcy needs to re-invade the Quillin household in the form of a school bus and teachers.
To sum it up, everything you have read has been genuine and with these added tid bits I hope you can see a little more of who I really am. Yet not abandon my blog,haha.

• I'm a dreamer who fears
• I'm guarded but a true friend
• I'm a mom who makes mistakes
• I've been given bad advice and New Life
• I love my husband
• I'm a "nester"who enjoys the freedom of flying
• I love sleeping in but have 3 early risers
• I'm working everyday toward living simply but make things complicated.

Saying "I'm sorry".........Priceless

(Mommy has a sinus infection so every spill, noise and complaint is amplified)Tonight after wrestling practice, I gave my middle child Owen a bath and then his supper, Italian sausage. After a few bites, he was at the refrigerator getting "more cheese". I told him he didn't need any more and he retreated to the fridge with the package of shredded cheese..........opened... and upside down. My back was to him and he came to me very meekly and said "Mommy, look." There was cheese everywhere and I snapped! I yelled at him and told him I had been cleaning all day and to go get the broom so I could clean up "more messes I didn't make!" He didn't cry, he just went to his room and as soon as my hand touched the broom handle my irrational reaction hit me like a ton of bricks. I called him back out and told him "I'm sorry Owen, Mommy shouldn't have yelled like that, it's just cheese. Will you forgive me?" A glossy eyed nod and a kiss and he went back to his room, still tear free. I didn't feel like I had truly expressed my remorse so I immediately called him back out, sat on the kitchen floor with him and said "Owen, Mommy's mess up some times too, and I really am sorry. It was an accident and I know you didn't mean to spill the cheese. (His eyes began to swell) Did Mommy make you feel sad?" A nod and the tears began to roll. I felt terrible. I just held him and reinforced my apology with big hugs and kisses and honest conversation. He said "I forgive you Mommy, I love you too." Later, as I gave the recount of the events to Jerry, I said "I'm so glad I called him back out the second time to say I messed up because he would have taken all that with him into his room and it would have stayed there, bottled up.........like I had to do so many times as a kid."
I just hate so much that I made his heart hurt like that. I'm supposed to be his protector, not offender. But what a beautiful blessing he gave to me........forgiveness. What a reminder...asking a son for forgiveness and receiving it freely. Priceless.

I feel like this poor woman looks

Life has been a little busy lately so my blogging responsibilities have suffered. Thus, all these jumbled thoughts in my head. You will hear rants, blessings, and complete random thoughts that have been bottled up in me for days.
Why is it that even when it's proven that I'm right, he won't admit it. My husband, the sweet man he is, has this obsession. It's called hunting. If you have one of these men, you'll get it. Jerry LOVES waterfowl hunting and a friend was coming from out of town to join him in this manly quest. He came home complaining of pain in his wrist followed by a lump in each wrist, two days later...hands that look like the "Michelin Man". Each day, me nagging him to go to the Dr.'s, his refusal, then in the emergency room. Diagnosis? Broken capillaries in his hands due to severe cold weather exposure.....OH WAIT! I forgot to mention it was -2 degrees that fateful day with a wind chill of -20ish and I told him I didn't think it was very wise to go.........His response? "Don't complain about the ER bill, your the one that made me go".........UGH! Seriously?
Snow days are only fun...one day at a time. I love when my kids are home for the summer and we can play outside, go to the water park, take a hike, ahhh.............winter is a different story. I am a pretty resourceful, creative thinker when it comes to winter time play but I am wiped out!
If you have all pre school aged kids, you may not relate......yet. A few years ago I wouldn't have either. I loved staying in with the kids because it was so much easier than the preparation to go anywhere with three kids ages 3 and under(yikes!) When your kids reach school age, there is sadness at the rate of their maturity, usually short lived, because of the freedom you have found in being able to actually accomplish a task-like loading, running and emptying a dish washer-all in one day! The traditional sled riding and hot chocolate by the fire is a beautiful memory. I hope 10 years from now I can remember that instead of the fact that after bundling those little bodies "Ralphie Style"(A Christmas Story?), they came back in the house 10 minutes later and dropped their boots, clothes, gloves, scarves and hats all over the kitchen creating hundreds of cold little puddles to surprise my socked feet with every step. 1 early dismissal + 2 snow days + 1 weekend + 1 Martin Luther King Day=1 tired momma.
Oh, but now for the good stuff. Forget it, I'll write about that tomorrow. It wasn't my intention to mislead you with promises of blessings and random thoughts. I guess I just had to get those rants out of the way to clear my head for a more positive post tomorrow.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I have a journal that I write down all the witty, kind, embarrassing and hilarious things that my boys say. I've done it since they were able to speak and today I'm posting some of the latest. I need some laughter and distraction amid all this snow, falling temperatures and dreariness.
Tanner(wise or cynical, however you see it, beyond his 9 years)

* After understanding that a friend of his has 2 half brothers, we were trying to delicately explain how that happens when he replied "So his mommy has children with 3 different daddies and let me guess, she's only been married to one!" Spoken, yes, in a public place. Next time we'll save that discussion for at home!

*"I already met my reading goal mom. There's no need to do more than that."

*While sitting in time-out he asks "How long have I been sitting here?"...."About four minutes."..."Well see, I'm four minutes older, I'm not as foolish as I was then, can I get up now?"

*"I have to get more of my clay pots made for our silent auction, so I can help make money for the wrestling team."

Owen,7-the wild, kind heart.

*"Have you been 'overelmed' again mom? Your forgetting stuff."

*"Mom guess what!?! I broke a kid's elbow at wrestling because I am just that strong!"

*"Mom when are you going to have another 'Taste Bud' party?" He meant Tastefully Simple.

Samuel,5-the silly one.

*"Mom, if you want to sell more purses you should put money in the pockets. They'd sell for sure!"

*"I have a lot of gas in me"

*"Make me some hot chocolate! I'm the king so that allows me to make demands on you!" After I made him a tin foil crown.

*"I just killed a dragon in my room!"

I love going back and reading these comments so much that I will probably make this a more regular posting. I hope, like me, it made you smile.

Taking Chances

"What do ya say to taking chances?"~Celine Dion. My husband and I were having this conversation last night. Or at least I was saying that to him. My husband is very laid back most of the time, sailing through life w/o a care, immune to stress(most of the time). I am not. I am the more scheduled, duty, responsibility partner. I get overwhelmed. Stressed. And Worried.
We are content where we are in life. Grounded relationship with God. Happy marriage. 3 Healthy kids. In the process-of-being-beautiful home.
However, I am also a dreamer. At 31 years old I decided I wanted to do something new and exciting to generate supplemental income and one day become a conglomerate. I started sewing. First, diaper bags, then purses. Living in a very rural area, I was pleasantly surprised to see how well this "purse thing" had taken off. It has been incredible. As a stay at home mom, there are times of feeling very unaccomplished. Usually only in my own perception, but it's a very real emotion. So the purses allow that creative side of me to flow. At the same time a sense of completion. Finishing a task that 3 little tornadoes cannot destroy. Well it's time to take some steps toward growth and expansion....which makes my husband panic. Risk. That seems to be his Achilles heel. Ah ha! I found it!(just kidding)
And we had this long conversation of being "too content". Maybe I mean too comfortable. Life happens and sometimes we just let it. I want to be a vibrant, shining participant. I don't want mediocrity to be the standard. Not just in business but in ministry..in everything! You may have read a couple of days ago that a dear friend is moving. It's a great story, blog.joshclark.me, if your interested. They have four kids and are just packing it up and moving to Georgia. I admire that. They don't know exactly what GA. will hold for them but their taking a chance. I want more of that in my life. Risk. Adventure. Allowing God to bring to fruition the dreams that I dream. Taking Chances.

Spirituality w/o Religion? Sure. But w/o a relationship? No way.

Ok, so Oprah is fat again. Her words not mine. I'm not judging her on her weight gain, believe me, I get that. However, because of her weight gain, she has launched "Live Your Best Life Week", filled with every food, exercise, financial and spiritual guidance you need to be the best! The buzz about it is everywhere, even our local news.
The one thing that everyone seems so interested in is this concept that she is putting out there that you can "be spiritual" without being religious. Courtesy of her Spiritual Guru, Michael Beckwith,the author of Spiritual Liberation and Rev. Ed Baker who says "It is about our being connected with one another and connected with the cosmos," What?!? What are the "cosmos" anyway. This new age love yourself and everything in the stars will align bologna is starting to wear very thin on me. If you ask me, people have no problem loving themselves and most of the time, weight gain is a result of gluttony(Proverbs 23:21-For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty(lack of Spirit,I believe) Phillipians 3:19..their God is their belly. Overindulgence. Not only with the foods we eat, but in our pursuit of money, status and beauty. We love ourselves so much that we think we deserve an overabundance of these things.

(I'm not bashing healthy diet and exercise. I fully believe you should take care of His temple. I've resolved to concentrate on that a little more, myself.)

BUT THE POINT IS...Your "Spiritual Journey" should involve THE Spirit. It is not something you can create with teaching yourself that you deserve good things and filling yourself with positive thoughts. If you really aren't loving yourself, it is most likely the result of having a dead spirit. We have a "Jesus-sized" home inside of us and until you admit that you are a sinner, he is unable to move in. God is love 1John 4:8. If His Spirit is living inside of you, He will heal your broken heart, give you forgiveness and the ability to forgive and love others. If you accept and embrace this relationship, then you will begin to see yourself as He sees you, created in His image, LOVED AND INDIVIDUALLY UNIQUE. However, Jesus is not deceitful. He does not give you empty promises of the perfect body, family, job or a life without challenge. In fact, just the opposite Mt 5:10. You will have struggles, you will get hurt and life will be tough. But instead of relying on your own strength, you rely on His. You have a perfect Father and Comforter. He uses struggle to perfect your character, make you more like Him.
There is great Joy that comes with being a Christ Follower. You may not be skinny on earth but you will be loved. For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for the Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ. Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself. (Ph. 3:20-21) The awesome "bod" comes later!

The People Watcher

For this to make sense you may have to reference back to an older post of mine.
When it comes to conversation, I am so much better, one on one, or in a very small group of people(or on Facebook). Anyway, something I've learned about myself is that I am a serial people "watcher". When attending a party or even my husband's enormous family holidays, I am completely content to just sick back and listen, observe. It's not something I do intentionally and yes sometimes I do it judgementally..."I can't believe she just said that to her child!", "How many mirrors did she pass after she put that outfit on?" etc.... are some of the evil thoughts that cross my mind..Did I just admit that? yikes!! BUT BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME TOO HARSHLY, most of the time as I observe, the view is positive. I see ladies who make their rounds, speak to everyone and are the effortless floating social butterfly. And I'm jealous! I do a pretty good job of hiding this insecurity but it is real and restrictive. I wish I was made that way. That there weren't friends and acquaintances in my life, instead, friends and people I don't know. Two categories, that's it......Oh yea, I also hate meeting new people. Not the people, just the process, what to say, how to break the ice etc. So about a month ago, I mentioned to my friend Tessa (she didn't make it though because her sweet lil' baby was so sick)that we should get together with a few of the moms in our little community, regularly, consistently and grow those acquaintances into deepened friendships. Coffee, prayer, and some genuine face to face lady time! And it was GREAT!! We didn't talk about one spiritual thing, however we did LAUGH! I left feeling so encouraged. If I want friends who feel comfortable dropping in at any given time, no matter the condition of my house or my hair, I have to go beyond the usual hi's and hello's. I want acquaintances to become friends and awkward silences to be a thing of the past. I hope the connection with these ladies flourish and overflow into other areas in my life.
But this serial people watcher/caterpillar will have to grow into her wings...one cup of coffee at a time!! I truly cannot wait til next time.