Who I really am

I have had quite a few people tell me how inspired and taken they are by my blog. I think that is wonderful. It tickles me that people find encouragement here and hope they continue to. But I hope I haven't been deceiving you. You see, these are the random and inter-most thoughts I have when I am all alone, I'm a dreamer by design so my mind is constantly reeling. At the end of the day I mentally gather them up and spew them out. I feel like all of these thoughts, although 100% genuine may have made me seem to good to be true.
My biggest struggle is taking all my dreams and desires of my heart and putting them into action. Fear. I am a somewhat guarded person. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm not, as I have said before, the life of the party. Some one's first impression of me would probably be that I am quiet, to a stranger of course. Friendships have to come naturally for me, by circumstance and likeness. Trust is hard for me, but once your in...your in. I love my friends.
I do work very hard at being a mom. But like everyone else there are times of impatience, anger and weariness. I wish someone would have been that honest with me when all 3 of my children were 3 years old and younger. The women who "mentored" me, loving and good intentioned, made me feel like everything was my fault. If the kid threw a fit in Wal-Mart, it was because I allowed it to happen at home. If he was shy around strangers, it was because I didn't teach him that when an adult speaks to him, he should say "hello". If he doesn't address adults as "Miss" "Mr." etc. I wasn't teaching him respect. And are you ready for this: you should never have to raise your voice if you are positioning yourself as the authority in their lives. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! I, by no means think I have this "mommy thing" mastered but I do believe that what my kids need to see in me is realness. That I'm not perfect but I can ask for forgiveness, that their behavior may not always be pleasing but I can forgive. That mommy isn't Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart but I love investing in my family and home. And I may not always agree with Daddy but I still love him and kiss him everyday when he comes home and dance w/o music when he hugs me. So to all my misguided mentors, I forgive you. And friends, I hope this will be encouraging for you: Sometimes, kids just act like kids and your job is to direct them in the path of righteousness.(and that doesn't mean they need a spanking EVERY time!)
I was just telling a friend yesterday, more often than not, I blame my parents for all of my character flaws. They weren't perfect parents but I'm sure they thought they were doing their best. I wasn't always protected and there are consequences to that. However, I found The Perfect Parent and He has redeemed me. I don't have to fall into these old patterns unless I choose to. I was given new life and try my best to live it, I fail, but I'm forgiven and lifted back up.
My husband is my best friend. You may not have gathered that from me. We are complete opposite in almost every way.......except for the ways that count. We disagree about the little things, but we're together. Not just physically.....we're really together. He's an incredible Daddy and he loves me even when I'm unlovable.
I love my boys. I am so proud of them and love watching them grow. They are so unique and peculiar. Creative and bright in different ways. I love teaching, nurturing, and shaping them into the men they will become. But I HATE SNOW DAYS! We are approaching snow day #4+ a weekend tomorrow. A friend of mine informed me that with the holidays, MLK Day, In-service and snow days our kids have only been in school 10 out of the past 40 days. Ewww! Once your kids are in school this whole new world opens up to you...without diapers, bottles, sippy cups, playdates. Mommy can actually have playdates and clean her house and even exercise her creative bones. You love to see them come home but you don't cry when they leave!
There is some guilt in admitting that I have become quite accustomed to this routine, a little selfish. Their intrusion has exhausted every fun activity I can think of to do indoors. Normalcy needs to re-invade the Quillin household in the form of a school bus and teachers.
To sum it up, everything you have read has been genuine and with these added tid bits I hope you can see a little more of who I really am. Yet not abandon my blog,haha.

• I'm a dreamer who fears
• I'm guarded but a true friend
• I'm a mom who makes mistakes
• I've been given bad advice and New Life
• I love my husband
• I'm a "nester"who enjoys the freedom of flying
• I love sleeping in but have 3 early risers
• I'm working everyday toward living simply but make things complicated.

Saying "I'm sorry".........Priceless

(Mommy has a sinus infection so every spill, noise and complaint is amplified)Tonight after wrestling practice, I gave my middle child Owen a bath and then his supper, Italian sausage. After a few bites, he was at the refrigerator getting "more cheese". I told him he didn't need any more and he retreated to the fridge with the package of shredded cheese..........opened... and upside down. My back was to him and he came to me very meekly and said "Mommy, look." There was cheese everywhere and I snapped! I yelled at him and told him I had been cleaning all day and to go get the broom so I could clean up "more messes I didn't make!" He didn't cry, he just went to his room and as soon as my hand touched the broom handle my irrational reaction hit me like a ton of bricks. I called him back out and told him "I'm sorry Owen, Mommy shouldn't have yelled like that, it's just cheese. Will you forgive me?" A glossy eyed nod and a kiss and he went back to his room, still tear free. I didn't feel like I had truly expressed my remorse so I immediately called him back out, sat on the kitchen floor with him and said "Owen, Mommy's mess up some times too, and I really am sorry. It was an accident and I know you didn't mean to spill the cheese. (His eyes began to swell) Did Mommy make you feel sad?" A nod and the tears began to roll. I felt terrible. I just held him and reinforced my apology with big hugs and kisses and honest conversation. He said "I forgive you Mommy, I love you too." Later, as I gave the recount of the events to Jerry, I said "I'm so glad I called him back out the second time to say I messed up because he would have taken all that with him into his room and it would have stayed there, bottled up.........like I had to do so many times as a kid."
I just hate so much that I made his heart hurt like that. I'm supposed to be his protector, not offender. But what a beautiful blessing he gave to me........forgiveness. What a reminder...asking a son for forgiveness and receiving it freely. Priceless.

I feel like this poor woman looks

Life has been a little busy lately so my blogging responsibilities have suffered. Thus, all these jumbled thoughts in my head. You will hear rants, blessings, and complete random thoughts that have been bottled up in me for days.
Why is it that even when it's proven that I'm right, he won't admit it. My husband, the sweet man he is, has this obsession. It's called hunting. If you have one of these men, you'll get it. Jerry LOVES waterfowl hunting and a friend was coming from out of town to join him in this manly quest. He came home complaining of pain in his wrist followed by a lump in each wrist, two days later...hands that look like the "Michelin Man". Each day, me nagging him to go to the Dr.'s, his refusal, then in the emergency room. Diagnosis? Broken capillaries in his hands due to severe cold weather exposure.....OH WAIT! I forgot to mention it was -2 degrees that fateful day with a wind chill of -20ish and I told him I didn't think it was very wise to go.........His response? "Don't complain about the ER bill, your the one that made me go".........UGH! Seriously?
Snow days are only fun...one day at a time. I love when my kids are home for the summer and we can play outside, go to the water park, take a hike, ahhh.............winter is a different story. I am a pretty resourceful, creative thinker when it comes to winter time play but I am wiped out!
If you have all pre school aged kids, you may not relate......yet. A few years ago I wouldn't have either. I loved staying in with the kids because it was so much easier than the preparation to go anywhere with three kids ages 3 and under(yikes!) When your kids reach school age, there is sadness at the rate of their maturity, usually short lived, because of the freedom you have found in being able to actually accomplish a task-like loading, running and emptying a dish washer-all in one day! The traditional sled riding and hot chocolate by the fire is a beautiful memory. I hope 10 years from now I can remember that instead of the fact that after bundling those little bodies "Ralphie Style"(A Christmas Story?), they came back in the house 10 minutes later and dropped their boots, clothes, gloves, scarves and hats all over the kitchen creating hundreds of cold little puddles to surprise my socked feet with every step. 1 early dismissal + 2 snow days + 1 weekend + 1 Martin Luther King Day=1 tired momma.
Oh, but now for the good stuff. Forget it, I'll write about that tomorrow. It wasn't my intention to mislead you with promises of blessings and random thoughts. I guess I just had to get those rants out of the way to clear my head for a more positive post tomorrow.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I have a journal that I write down all the witty, kind, embarrassing and hilarious things that my boys say. I've done it since they were able to speak and today I'm posting some of the latest. I need some laughter and distraction amid all this snow, falling temperatures and dreariness.
Tanner(wise or cynical, however you see it, beyond his 9 years)

* After understanding that a friend of his has 2 half brothers, we were trying to delicately explain how that happens when he replied "So his mommy has children with 3 different daddies and let me guess, she's only been married to one!" Spoken, yes, in a public place. Next time we'll save that discussion for at home!

*"I already met my reading goal mom. There's no need to do more than that."

*While sitting in time-out he asks "How long have I been sitting here?"...."About four minutes."..."Well see, I'm four minutes older, I'm not as foolish as I was then, can I get up now?"

*"I have to get more of my clay pots made for our silent auction, so I can help make money for the wrestling team."

Owen,7-the wild, kind heart.

*"Have you been 'overelmed' again mom? Your forgetting stuff."

*"Mom guess what!?! I broke a kid's elbow at wrestling because I am just that strong!"

*"Mom when are you going to have another 'Taste Bud' party?" He meant Tastefully Simple.

Samuel,5-the silly one.

*"Mom, if you want to sell more purses you should put money in the pockets. They'd sell for sure!"

*"I have a lot of gas in me"

*"Make me some hot chocolate! I'm the king so that allows me to make demands on you!" After I made him a tin foil crown.

*"I just killed a dragon in my room!"

I love going back and reading these comments so much that I will probably make this a more regular posting. I hope, like me, it made you smile.

Taking Chances

"What do ya say to taking chances?"~Celine Dion. My husband and I were having this conversation last night. Or at least I was saying that to him. My husband is very laid back most of the time, sailing through life w/o a care, immune to stress(most of the time). I am not. I am the more scheduled, duty, responsibility partner. I get overwhelmed. Stressed. And Worried.
We are content where we are in life. Grounded relationship with God. Happy marriage. 3 Healthy kids. In the process-of-being-beautiful home.
However, I am also a dreamer. At 31 years old I decided I wanted to do something new and exciting to generate supplemental income and one day become a conglomerate. I started sewing. First, diaper bags, then purses. Living in a very rural area, I was pleasantly surprised to see how well this "purse thing" had taken off. It has been incredible. As a stay at home mom, there are times of feeling very unaccomplished. Usually only in my own perception, but it's a very real emotion. So the purses allow that creative side of me to flow. At the same time a sense of completion. Finishing a task that 3 little tornadoes cannot destroy. Well it's time to take some steps toward growth and expansion....which makes my husband panic. Risk. That seems to be his Achilles heel. Ah ha! I found it!(just kidding)
And we had this long conversation of being "too content". Maybe I mean too comfortable. Life happens and sometimes we just let it. I want to be a vibrant, shining participant. I don't want mediocrity to be the standard. Not just in business but in ministry..in everything! You may have read a couple of days ago that a dear friend is moving. It's a great story, blog.joshclark.me, if your interested. They have four kids and are just packing it up and moving to Georgia. I admire that. They don't know exactly what GA. will hold for them but their taking a chance. I want more of that in my life. Risk. Adventure. Allowing God to bring to fruition the dreams that I dream. Taking Chances.

Spirituality w/o Religion? Sure. But w/o a relationship? No way.

Ok, so Oprah is fat again. Her words not mine. I'm not judging her on her weight gain, believe me, I get that. However, because of her weight gain, she has launched "Live Your Best Life Week", filled with every food, exercise, financial and spiritual guidance you need to be the best! The buzz about it is everywhere, even our local news.
The one thing that everyone seems so interested in is this concept that she is putting out there that you can "be spiritual" without being religious. Courtesy of her Spiritual Guru, Michael Beckwith,the author of Spiritual Liberation and Rev. Ed Baker who says "It is about our being connected with one another and connected with the cosmos," What?!? What are the "cosmos" anyway. This new age love yourself and everything in the stars will align bologna is starting to wear very thin on me. If you ask me, people have no problem loving themselves and most of the time, weight gain is a result of gluttony(Proverbs 23:21-For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty(lack of Spirit,I believe) Phillipians 3:19..their God is their belly. Overindulgence. Not only with the foods we eat, but in our pursuit of money, status and beauty. We love ourselves so much that we think we deserve an overabundance of these things.

(I'm not bashing healthy diet and exercise. I fully believe you should take care of His temple. I've resolved to concentrate on that a little more, myself.)

BUT THE POINT IS...Your "Spiritual Journey" should involve THE Spirit. It is not something you can create with teaching yourself that you deserve good things and filling yourself with positive thoughts. If you really aren't loving yourself, it is most likely the result of having a dead spirit. We have a "Jesus-sized" home inside of us and until you admit that you are a sinner, he is unable to move in. God is love 1John 4:8. If His Spirit is living inside of you, He will heal your broken heart, give you forgiveness and the ability to forgive and love others. If you accept and embrace this relationship, then you will begin to see yourself as He sees you, created in His image, LOVED AND INDIVIDUALLY UNIQUE. However, Jesus is not deceitful. He does not give you empty promises of the perfect body, family, job or a life without challenge. In fact, just the opposite Mt 5:10. You will have struggles, you will get hurt and life will be tough. But instead of relying on your own strength, you rely on His. You have a perfect Father and Comforter. He uses struggle to perfect your character, make you more like Him.
There is great Joy that comes with being a Christ Follower. You may not be skinny on earth but you will be loved. For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for the Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ. Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself. (Ph. 3:20-21) The awesome "bod" comes later!

The People Watcher

For this to make sense you may have to reference back to an older post of mine.
When it comes to conversation, I am so much better, one on one, or in a very small group of people(or on Facebook). Anyway, something I've learned about myself is that I am a serial people "watcher". When attending a party or even my husband's enormous family holidays, I am completely content to just sick back and listen, observe. It's not something I do intentionally and yes sometimes I do it judgementally..."I can't believe she just said that to her child!", "How many mirrors did she pass after she put that outfit on?" etc.... are some of the evil thoughts that cross my mind..Did I just admit that? yikes!! BUT BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME TOO HARSHLY, most of the time as I observe, the view is positive. I see ladies who make their rounds, speak to everyone and are the effortless floating social butterfly. And I'm jealous! I do a pretty good job of hiding this insecurity but it is real and restrictive. I wish I was made that way. That there weren't friends and acquaintances in my life, instead, friends and people I don't know. Two categories, that's it......Oh yea, I also hate meeting new people. Not the people, just the process, what to say, how to break the ice etc. So about a month ago, I mentioned to my friend Tessa (she didn't make it though because her sweet lil' baby was so sick)that we should get together with a few of the moms in our little community, regularly, consistently and grow those acquaintances into deepened friendships. Coffee, prayer, and some genuine face to face lady time! And it was GREAT!! We didn't talk about one spiritual thing, however we did LAUGH! I left feeling so encouraged. If I want friends who feel comfortable dropping in at any given time, no matter the condition of my house or my hair, I have to go beyond the usual hi's and hello's. I want acquaintances to become friends and awkward silences to be a thing of the past. I hope the connection with these ladies flourish and overflow into other areas in my life.
But this serial people watcher/caterpillar will have to grow into her wings...one cup of coffee at a time!! I truly cannot wait til next time.

Heidi Jo-Love/Hate to see you go

First call of the day from my best friend. Heidi. She is the kind of friend who is so much like you in some ways, it's eerie but totally a God orchestrated connection, and in the ways that you differ, you want to be just like her. She is moving....700 miles away. Did I mention this has become a trend in my life? I am not the kind of person who has hundreds of friends, which is not a sad thing, it's just how I'm made. I like intimate friendships. I am incapable of small talk. So though my friendships may not be many, they run deep. However, these few, near and dear friends have all eventually moved away. We keep in touch and friendships remain strong but I miss the daily to weekly interaction with them. Not what this post is about but this pattern has become increasingly annoying. I know, I know, God is probably stretching me but honestly right now I don't care.
TODAY'S POST IS DEDICATED TO HEIDI. Her husband is the former youth pastor at our church where Jerry and I served with them in that ministry. On a surface level, Heidi and I have lots in common so our friendship was easy from the beginning. She has challenged me with her countenance to be the wife God wants me to be to my husband. She and her husband have encouraged Jerry and I to serve as individually gifted sons and daughters of our Creator. She is real. Not the stereo-typical, TV version of a pastor's wife. She struggles like the rest of us. Even though she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve(because she is also incredibly strong), when she opens that part of her to you, you will be a blessed friend. Sometimes when we have chatted, I walk away thinking "I am a horrible friend. She was so sincerely interested in my life, I didn't get a chance to ask all about hers!"
She is faithful in seeking God's heart and it usually finds her. In fact, it consistanly abides in her. I love you Heidi. I genuinely pray that your path will be a source of renewal, adventure and risk. You are my hero too.

Welcome Home Familiar Friend

Ratty, stained comfort to my son
Of all his "friends" your "the one"
Since birth, by his side
picnics, naps, magic carpet rides.
Always with the "cold" side toward his body
through sickness and health a faithful buddy.
While on a visit you were misplaced
The flu checked in and Owen paced
Longing for his faithful companion and friend
No substitutes for you, on that he wouldn't bend.
In times past I'd hoped you'd be outgrown
But when you were gone I knew what I had known.
Seven years not quite long enough to let go, I see.
You are welcome here as long as you need to be.
There will come a day when in a memory box you will rest
I will find you, smile, maybe sigh because he's left our nest.
Remembering your place atop my child while he dreamed
and wonder why I ever wanted you to leave.
I often become annoyed when "yellow blankie" has to come with us or is misplaced in the couch cushion at bed time. Owen stayed with a friend and somehow "yellow blankie" was stuffed behind a dresser (probably because of his obsessive need to protect blankie)and was unfound for about a week. When it wasn't here, I felt the same emptiness that Owen felt. It has been a constant part of his world since he was a newborn and when I checked on him before turning in there was an odd feeling of loss. I know it's just a blanket...but it's not. It's his comfortable friend and a memory in the making.

LAUGHTER is the best medicine.

If you read my blog you will have seen that we have been plagued with the flu throughout the holiday season. Well tonight, by no planning on mine or Jerry's part, all three of the boys had invitations to spend the night elsewhere.(Thanks Kim and Grandma!!) We had some gift cards from Christmas and we decided to put them to use. Dinner was nice. We talked about a book I'm reading, forgiveness, hunting...everything BUT the cute things the kids said or did(our new date night rule). Not that we don't love those little buggers but we have realized that the kids, all their activities and our desire to always listen to them consumes, well, mostly, all of the conversation held in our home. So when we have alone time it is time to talk about us!! If you have little bundles of joy of your own, you know what a task that can be.
We rented a movie (Reservation Road,an excruciating tale about the loss of a child, which made the task even harder to achieve, but worth watching) and cuddled on the couch with a bottle of wine. Then the silly bug bit me. One glass and I'm giggling. We were playful, like our courting days, and laughter rolled from the pit of our stomachs to the twinkle of our eyes. I haven't seen such adoring joy in my husband's eyes for what seems like forever. Running a family seems so serious sometimes. There is work, kids with schedules......blah blah blah. It was definitely time for some hahahaha!! Corny, I know but it was so freeing and decompressing. I love my husband so much and it was so precious seeing happiness in his eyes and I'm sure he enjoyed that view over my usual glare. The memory of sickness and consequent cancelled plans had escaped us.
Thanks for a great night Honey...stay my baby!!

The Best Gift We Bought

A pottery wheel. My husband is an outdoors man. He has passed that passion onto my three boys. I'm glad they can shoot dinner, if that is ever necessary and understand eco-systems and conservation. However, in my boy-filled world I have an increasing desire and passion of my own to expose them to culture and creativity. I have a creative brain and my husband's brain is practical. Our boys do possess both qualities so I want to feed my inheritance in them. We stuck to board games, play guns and art activities for Christmas gifts this year and my fave is the pottery wheel. Today my oldest decided he wanted to create his first masterpiece, I was overjoyed. Not only was he learning and developing an art, I was able to teach him. Kneading, forming and shaping.

I am not an artist in the sculpting, painting sense, but today I felt like I was. I was getting my hands dirty, guiding his little hands on the silhouette of the formless clay. I didn't go into long explanation of our Father as the Potter and we, the clay, because I didn't have to. I walked away from the finished product with the profound realization that I only pictured it to him. One day he will read and learn of the Potter and have a visual of what it means for the Creator to soften, mold and perfect our image into a unique, interesting work of art. And as a bonus, he'll think of me.

The Hope of a New Year

Dear 2008,

Goodbye to you. You have been a challenging yet good year. You have shaken my circumstances and tested my faith.
You have held the stressful busyness of selling a home, moving and construction that disguised the blessing of simplifying and living with less. You have taken a marriage that had become lukewarm to the heights of a love reborn. Inserted communication into the heart of our family.
You have made me question my parenting skills yet confirmed that not everything I have done is wrong. I have great kids.
You took my dear father in law, a centerpiece of our family, but given me new eyes to see my mother in law. Always knowing that she was incredible, I realize now how I want to love my husband. As I enter 2009, the loss of him is becoming more final. When I look forward to family gatherings, the anticipation of his absence is weighing down my heart.
You have made me question "spirituality" yet shown me that God created me as a unique being and no other person can fulfil what He designed for me to achieve. Understanding only He will determine my successes and failures. I pray for continued confidence to exercise my freedom in Him to serve as He plans.
You have taught me healthy debate does not equal confrontation. Hearing and being heard breeds peace.
You have delivered depressing buzz words into everyday conversation: "Bailouts" and "economics" have been troubling. Even temporarily touching home but generosity and kindness were unveiled.
You gave us Presidential elections that were fascinating, intriguing and historical.
You have been joyous and sad, struggled and victorious, here and now gone. As you leave, new promises of hope swell. I will release the hurt you brought in and carry the treasure you gave, out.........to 2009 and beyond.

Sincerely,
Betty