Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Yes, I'm whining

Before I start I am fully aware of how blessed I am that this is just a bug and not a more serious, incurable sickness......however:

This is my blog so I guess I can whine and my sweet family has to be none the wiser. My husband has been home all of Christmas break which has been great. We have spent so much time together that the boys and I are feeling a little spoiled. Not once but twice this week as we were walking out the door to spend time with friends, which I have been dying to do, the flu has invaded my son's and then my husband's bodies and stranded us at home. I know I'm being a baby but we rarely have time to hang with friends like that and two different families invited us over and we had to cancel both times. Aaagh!! I even had make-up on! Enough said.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Where oh where will our home church be? Oh where....

We have been on a hunt. A hunt for a doctrinally sound, contemporary, relevant, PEOPLE LOVING church for a couple of months now and we have visited one in particular for about 3-4 weeks (if you count the online service they had yesterday). There isn't one thing I can say I dislike about it. When we walk in people are genuinely friendly and helpful. Worship is "upbeat". Message is sound. But I don't feel a pull to stay there, per se. We had become so comfortable in our church. Great circle of friends, a position God created for us to serve, and the same vicinity of pew, in which we parked ourselves every Sunday. We loved it there. Things happened and people were revealed. I'm ok (finally) with that part, mostly. It would be so easy to go back and sit in the same spot and just slide right back in our routine. But there is just something inside of me that says "there are a lot of FAR right people in our congregation that I just do not want to be identified with!" Our church has been seen in our community as "wealthy(which I am not), judgemental, bible thumpers" And my defense was always the same: we are being "persecuted" for standing on The Foundation, if they would just come they would see it isn't like that. Boy was I wrong.
After some really rough times over the past year, I have seen that as a body, those accusations are true to a degree. Although I don't think the majority are guilty, I think the minority has spoken over us all. I just refused to see it, in my own little area of service, with like-minded, freed up brothers and sisters, those people just did not exist to me.
So now we are church searching and it is tough. We've seen big, pretty ones, little country ones and some budding ones. There are things we'd like to take from all of them and put into one functioning body. I understand there is no perfect church, because we are not perfect but we need to find a landing strip. Even if our plane lifts off a year from now to a new and exciting destination, we need a layover.
I am so distracted by my search for a body it is interfering in my search for God's heart.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I'm back




Ok, so I haven't posted since December 16th. The holidays are such a busy time but they were wonderful. With our philosophy of "simplifying" (and the economy) we didn't think it would be responsible to over-do-it by showering our children with an over abundance of gifts. Of course they had plenty to open but we stuck to the basics. Every year prior it seemed we were searching for the latest and greatest. Even running out days before Christmas to fulfill every whim of commercial induced desire. I will admit that as we were wrapping, I said to my husband "Are you sure we got them enough, it doesn't look like much?" Are puzzles, toy guns and sleds going to bring joy to those little faces or disappointment? The more you give children, the more they expect, so did we give them too much before? Have we "spoiled" them and the anticipation of Christmas morning by trying to "keep up with the Jones'" in years past?.......NO!


The only person who noticed that we spent less and embraced practicality was me. We were enveloped with Joy as Tanner pulled Sam across the living room on their new slide and Owen shot the Christmas tree as he rode his leg-powered scooter into the kitchen while music pumped into his ears by the $10 CD player he received. I think your getting the picture. We spent less and gave more. A couple of days have passed and they haven't forgotten what they got for Christmas like every year before.........So long to Christmas' s retail obsessed past.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Pajama Saturday


Over the weekend, Jerry had to work, it was cold outside and of course, it's the holiday season, so we've been very busy. Our house is constantly under (self-inflicted)construction and even though I love it here, I haven't created that "haven" since we moved 11 months ago! We've shared meals and done the normal family "routine", but have been lacking some play time recently. So we decided to have a pajama day. We agreed very early in the morning (5am to be exact, gotta love early risers, right?) that we would stay in our PJ's all day and just have fun. We began our morning watching some classic Christmas cartoons with all 3 boys piled on and around me on the couch. Next came the glue gun, at the boys' suggestion. The boys always attend the "Build n Grow" workshops at Lowe's(if you don't already, you should. Kids love it and it's FREE!)and with their projects receive a badge to put on their little woodworker's apron. We were so behind, sorting and dividing all the badges was a game in itself. Then we built some of those Lowe's projects that we had laying around the house. Tanner took it a step further and gathered sticks from the woods behind our house. He wanted to make a birdhouse with them. Well they at least got nailed together....oh well, it was fun!!!
Dinner was next. A menu they planned. Macaroni & Cheese and Mandarin Oranges. YUM! We set the table together and it was all ready when Daddy came home..to a messy house. He didn't care he was just so proud of his boys (and me, ha ha) for working and playing so well together.
When the day ended, I spent five minutes laying next to each one in their beds and just discussing their worlds.
When I walked out from the last conversation, I told Jer, "This is the kind of Mommy I want to be everyday", one who is a little more familiar than this "crazy lady" of late.


Friday, December 5, 2008

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Today is my Birthday(well technically it ended 8 min ago)

That's right. Today I turned 33. Which I had to ask my husband how old I was going to be, as I always do. Time goes to fast. A cliche', I know, but I feel like I was 20 yesterday. However, one wonderful marriage, three babies with bottles, diapers, blankies, preschool, kindergarten, grade school, doctors and dentist appointments, baseball, wrestling and one football season later, here I am...33. I can't remember really celebrating turning 23, 24, 25 etc. Instead of numbers I look back and count my age in moments. I was a party girl. I met my husband. He asked me to marry him. We had a beautiful wedding. I met my Heavenly Father We bought our first house. We found out we were expecting. We had a beloved baby boy. We gushed. He walked. We sold our first house. Bought our second house. We were expecting again. Another precious boy. He wore us out. We were given the blessing of and unexpected pregnancy. Yet another incredible boy...(how is it possible he is 5?) All of those moments add up to 30.

My firstborn started Kindergarten. We gushed again. Then my middle child started Kindergarten. I embark on a journey to own and operate my own business. We sold our second house. Downsized. Simplified. Bought our third house. Celebrated our 10 year Anniversary(yea!). We experience a spiritual crisis. Holding Fast. Oldest two children enter 3rd and 1st grade. Our baby begins Preschool. Those moments bring me here. 33. unbelievable.

I am so thankful for all my moments even if they do make me 33 years old according to the calendar. I am married to my best friend. I was reading an article about Dr. Phil the other day and he made the comment about his wife "If I wasn't married to her, I'd search the world high and low to find her". What a beautiful way to sum up your love for your spouse. So I'm stealing it and making it my own...."Babe if I weren't married to you, I would never settle for less than you and would wait for my prince to find his "princess"."

The only moment I have yet to fully experience is who is Betty? She is strong willed yet a little of an introvert. She is independent yet needy. She is a hard worker yet mostly unpaid. She loves her husband and kids hard but she is more than a wife and a mother. She is a sinner but she is forgiven......those things I know. But she used to be fun, social and always creating or dreaming. That girl needs to resurface....make a comeback. There have been so many we's and they's(that I wouldn't change) at the center of my focus, I have lost her or at least she's wearing a disguise.

So, Happy Birthday to me. I can't wait to discover all the moments that make me 34.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Move over Scrooge!!


Lately I have been overly pessimistic. I usually am a little on the pessimist side but I like to call myself a realist....sounds a little less pessimistic doesn't it? Any how, lately I have just noticed myself saying "I hate..."this or that way too often. Everyone and everything seem to annoy me. Well not everyone, but close. I go through these spells every so often and when I do, I look in the mirror and actually look worse....dark circles more pronounced, crows feet deepening by the second, laugh lines that are no longer funny. Then one day it will just hit me like a brick.." Hey, your only 32 years old. You may be imperfect but you are FORGIVEN! You have a great family and your chasing the dream of owning a successful business that you built from the ground up....Snap out of it!"

So at least for today that is what I'm doing, snapping out of it, and listing the things that I love.


I love my forgiving God

I love my husband.

I love my 3 boys

I love my little house

I love making something old, new again.

I love that I decorate my Christmas tree in black and it's beautiful

I love that I make things that make people smile

I love to watch my boys imitate their daddy

I love that Owen inherited my insane need for order(it's cute when your a kid!)

I love my friends

I love that my sister is my best friend

I love going for walks when it's cold

I love looking at the boys' baby pictures

I love cooking for my family

I love my mom's peanut butter pie

I love taking a nap on a rainy day

I love Samuel's smile

I love Tanner's giggle

I love Owen's spirit

I love my "me time" after the kids are in bed

I love my kitchen island that I designed and Jerry built

I love blogging

I love loving.



Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Dear Father-in-law, I will miss you

Husband. Father. Pappy. Not enough to describe this man.
A home, a business and many coon he once ran.
Honey, Sweet Pea, Number One Buddy. Many endearing terms.
His family was his heart and for him, they will yearn.
He was open, to say the least, what you see is what you got
Bare feet, denim bibs, no shirt............a foot propped.
He left home very young, traveled for work and to survive
But when he met his bride he knew how it felt to really be alive.
This patient, beautiful woman loved this hard headed fellow.
He was her hero and She made him glow.
One, two and three came fairly quick, then surprise! came four, then five/six!
In a small red house in the middle of the sticks.
He raised his family by the work of his hands, in his own mill
Never wanting, getting by, a strong, determined will.
Though little they had, He never turned from souls in need
An honest man in word and deed.
His Grandchildren brought deep joy, light and pride
Hugs and kisses plenty, on his knee they would ride
"Singing Pap pa’s jelly belly yes-sir-ree!"
With them He shared his love of hunting and fish
Sneaking chocolate, sips of coffee, whatever they’d wish.
Most content at home among family and friend
The conversation and laughs were without end.
His boys were his buddies. Girls, his sweethearts. His wife, his world.
Many memories he shared and stories he told.
He’s a loved man, all he ever wanted. How to be remembered.
Love that lives on, even when our grief embers.
Ornery, William Quillin, known as "Junior" to all
Has went home with his Maker upon His call.
Your absence on earth leaves a void, an empty space.
The kitchen table and in our hearts, forever your place.
Our guardian angel looking down from above
We will find peace in your legacy of love.

By Betty Quillin

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Today is Bittersweet

Today I stood in my father in laws Hospice Suite and there beyond all his suffering, I saw the most heartbreaking and beautiful thing.
My Mother-in-law is an incredible, gracious, forgiving and nurturing lady. Her whole life she has never pursued monetary riches. She married when she was 17 to the man of her dreams, my husband's father. They had six children, two of which were (surprise!)twins, my husband and his brother. She is the pillar of patience. She was always a stay at home mom, the kind we all dream of being, house clean, cans all the fruits and veggies she could grow, crochets, sewed clothes for her kids and makes EVERYTHING from scratch.......but her husband was her highest priority and she was more than a helpmate. She loved, never resented, served without obligation. .........But today she is standing by his bed looking at a man, that we all love, but is unrecognizable to us. Not to her-she looks at him with a tenderness and love that I sometimes don't think I can fathom. For my kids? sure. But my husband? not always.
She knows her time with him is limited but she doesn't look at him in pity. She doesn't even have to say it, you can see it in her eyes..."this is the love of a lifetime and I'm not ready for it to end". She cries when she thinks about when he will take his last breath.
She inspires me to love her son the way she loves his father.
72 doesn't seem that old when you witness the heartbreaking beauty of a love story over 45 years in the making.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Sometimes someone else says it better

This is a second hand link, or maybe third, however you look at it.
The story of a Baptist pastor's wife who voted for Obama
So much throughout this election my democratic mind has wondered why so many think my political views don't line up with my faith. When I found this link through Jess,one wild and precious life , it gave me some confirmation.
There is so much speculation from the right...."the end is near", "antichrist"...are you kidding me? When did an African American Democrat become bible prophesy for the rapture? We have some very cynical brothers and sisters among us. Shouldn't we be the embodiment of Hope? Why do you fear hope when it comes in Democrat wrapping paper? Republican is not synonomous with Christ Follower. Being Republican is not a V.I.P pass to the Kingdom.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Religion and Politics=Bad Etiquette(sarcasm strongly applied) Please!

Do you ever feel like whatever you say about politics is wrong? I guess there is a reason people say "never discuss religion or politics". And the two at the same time? Big mistake.
I made a comment on a friends' posted item, not really offensive to anyone, or so I thought. And soon after an acquaintance of mine also commented and I'm not sure if my comment or the original post is what upset her but I felt a sick feeling in my gut. The one that says "No one agrees with you so you must be wrong" I hate second guessing myself and I won't do it now.

This is an important election. If your a Bush fan, I'm sorry for this but the past 8years have been a catastrophe! I voted for him...twice. I am a registered Republican. Because I was 18 when I filled out that card and that's what my parents are so, sounds good. What does that mean anyway? I follow Jesus, support small business, give the richest people in our country tax breaks, oppose abortion? Is that a Republican?
Are we so close minded as believers that we believe that a Democrat cannot be a Christ Follower? Sure there are some moral issues that are a little far to the left for me, but their views of "spreading the wealth" is may I dare say......biblical? Remember "to whom much is given much is expected"? Universal health care? Don't completely understand how it will affect my life, but didn't Jesus himself heal even the poor and uninsured?
Oh, I can't even discuss it anymore.
I still am undecided. That's right. Undecided. One night before the election. Undecided.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My baby's growing up


My firstborn is 9 today. Sad, exciting, unbelievable. He is so proud of himself and so am I but where did my baby go? I remember every detail of his birth, his first smile, first word, first step, his huge imagination budding as a toddler............everything. I remember his excitement when each of his brothers came home from the hospital and how he clung to my side most of the day.

When you have 3 boys ages 3 and younger, people tell you "they grow up fast". So many days I wished that were true and thought I would never survive those baby/toddler years. Now I find myself wanting to press rewind or even pause to slow all this growing down. Don't get me wrong there is some freedom that comes with your kids maturing and I enjoy that but everyday I see him learning, discovering and growing into the man he will one day be. He still needs me but I long for the days of rocking him to sleep and carrying him on my hip.

Enough of the "Mommy sadness" though. He is a great kid and I don't want to focus on how I feel but celebrate who he is.

He is a creative, bright boy who makes me laugh when I need it most. He does well in school, but hates it. He loves hunting with his Daddy....(he still calls us Mommy and Daddy, not just mom and dad, I love that!). He is an outstanding big brother when he wants to be and he is so sensitive and caring of babies. He has a bond with his Pappy that will remain long after he is gone. He runs to hug his grandparents, aunts and uncles when they visit or spectate one of his many extra-curriculars. He still has an incredible, inspiring imagination. He is one of the loves of my life and I am so thankful every morning when he refuses to leave before he gives me a kiss.


Tanner, I love you buddy. I am so proud of you. Happy Birthday honey.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Simplify-This wouldn't have been funny a year ago

10 months ago we moved into a smaller, fixer-upper home from a house that was only 9 years old and completely finished in our quest to spend less and give and save more. Simply, simplify.

I have spent my morning cleaning my house in preparation for visitors. I know these friends could care less what my house looks like but I just start cleaning things that sometimes get neglected on a daily basis. I used to be anal(for lack of a better word) about my house being perfectly kept but over that past year I have resigned to the fact there is no such thing. And I'm finally ok with that. But as I was cleaning today, I had to laugh at some of the messes I found that would have sent me over the edge a year ago and some questions I have:
-How is it that toothpaste spit is all over my pretty candle that sits next to my sink?

-At what age to boys acquire better "aim"?

-Why is there a pack of fruit snacks under my sons pillow?

-Who poured the juice down the front of my kitchen cupboards?

-How did last nite's dinner end up UNDER the table?

-Why is my keyboard sticky?

-I didn't know I had frosted windows?...oh wait, those are fingerprints.

-Wouldn't my kitchen look even cleaner without all of those A+'s and artwork on the fridge?(Definitely but not negotiable!!)

-How much dust can collect on a shelf that is above eye level?

-Why is my dishwasher still not hooked up to plumbing?(Now this is a serious matter)

Please don't judge my housekeeping abilities. I actually still do try to maintain a presentable home, but when we're busy, we're busy and these are just a few of the things that made me laugh today. Besides what else can you do? You have to laugh or it will consume you!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Didn't you hear me?!!!

My 9 year old son plays pee wee football. We were celebrating my Mom's birthday at our house so we let him skip practice so he could be here. Since he was missing practice he wanted to go for a run so he would "stay in shape". How cute. We live in a rural area and so I let him run a 1/2 mile up the road in front of our house and back. I watched him run out of my sight and waited. It was taking too long for my liking so I yelled for him to hurry back....no reply. Panic!!
I got that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and grabbed the other two boys and jumped in the car to find him and there he was.....100 yards from my front door, innocently looking into the creek below a small bridge. Still in a panic I grabbed his arm and said "Where have you been? Didn't you hear me yelling for you? Why didn't you answer me?" After I recomposed, I explained to him that I was worried and didn't mean to yell at him.
Later when I was alone it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just sobbed. Not only because that is one of my biggest fears but because out of no where I began to have this overwhelming sense that, that is probably how my Father feels. I am walking along a dry, fruitless path and we have literally been surrounded by terminal illness and suffering and my Father is shouting"Where have you been? Don't you hear me yelling for you? Why aren't you answering me??"
Wow. It's that simple.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Inspire Me!

"We're meant to be like multi-colored Christmas lights attached to one electrical cord called the Holy Spirit and strung strategically all over the earth..............Admit it. Aren't you just a tad bored by your neatly compartmentalized, comfort-fit Christianity?"~Beth Moore

I took my boys to pajama story time tonight and I picked up the book Voices of the Faithful, (Inspiring Stories of Courage from Christians serving around the World) by Beth Moore.
I've always liked Beth Moore for her frank, common sense approach to the Word. I saw this book as soon as we entered the library and by the time I reached page 6 of the introduction I saw this quote. I am already inspired. Our local church is going through a "transition", to say the least. I am cautiously optimistic as we are in the interviewing process of a new lead pastor.
He seems to not want to lock himself into our church's "business as usual" "keep everything the same" philosophy and I couldn't be more pleased!!
I love our church. We have been blessed with sound doctrine and taught the Word forward and backwards. But for the past couple of years I would sit in the worship center, same spot every Sunday, and think to myself " how many more times can we be taught this before we go out and do something with it?" "Can you kill a horse after it's been beat to death?" I know this may sound cynical and it's not meant to be but I was becoming restless. I had all this knowledge stored in my brain and my heart was exploding, wanting to be encouraged to pour it out, not just on my own but corporately. Strength in numbers right? And then the past year? Nothing. We act as if the world has stopped because there are some difficulties within our little world. This may seem like rambling but in my head it makes total sense. I hope the rest of this book is as good as the introduction.......I need to be inspired......by someone who has actually faced real persecution and brought glory to our Father. Some perspective.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Why I'm a GOOD Mom

Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary has one of those blogs that every mother can relate to: honest, heartfelt, and just so funny. She came up with the beautiful idea for us mothers to take a break from our mommy guilt and write a post listing all of the things that we are doing well as a mother. (totally plagiarized this first paragraph from Jess,One Wild and Precious Life, but I loved the idea as well)

1. I encourage my boys to be their best selves in everything that they attempt.

2. They are affectionate toward us because we are affectionate with them.

3. Just today, Tanner asked Owen if he wanted to pack or buy his lunch for school. Pack, of course. He took inventory of the cupboards for Owen's faves and packed his lunch for him.
I hope it was because I enjoy serving others.

4. I allow them to express themselves even when they want to wear running pants to church instead of khaki's.

5. I have given them confidence. They lead among their friends and would just as soon play alone if no one will follow. They are comfortable in their own skin.

6. I have given them compassion, imagination and creativity. They love to make cards for friends in need of sympathy or just because. Tanner will fill a notebook with "illustrations" and I become the "author". He is even beginning to write on his own. Their artwork is praised and displayed on the gallery that is my refrigerator.

7. I am not a social butterfly but I try to stick close to the friends I have and so do they.

8. I exhibit that healthy relationships are filled with the messiness of emotion. Not just one's total agreeance with the other.


9. They understand who God is and what he has done in mine, Jerry's and most recently Tanner's life. His grace and Mercy have been applied to them through us.

10. Love of Creation: they have a gentleness with babies, animals and our environment.

11. I am honest even when it's hard. When they get a "check mark" at school, they tell me before I have to ask or find a note from the teacher.

12. I apologize to them when I overreact or show lack of patience.

13. I give them a safe haven. When they land here, whatever happened today can be set at the table along with dinner or in the safety of my ear as they lay their head on my shoulder.

14. I've given them the joy of reading- we make at least one trip to the library every week.

15. I give discipline in sandwich form: GRACE[discipline]LOVE...(with kisses on top)

16. Birthdays & Holidays

17. I enjoy my "me time" it is a necessity for my sanity. They take time to just be still away from busyness.

18. Unconditional love, for real, not just in word but action. Something I lacked growing up.

19. I know their love languages.

20. They are forgiving(Um...that might be more from my husband, oops). No matter how I may have responded, rushed or ranted through the day, every nite w/o fail they still want me to tuck them in...kisses and all....transgressions erased.

I guess when I look at it from this window the glass is much cleaner..thanks Heather and Jess for inspiring me. I have tears in my eyes filled with gratitude that I am blessed enough to be called "Mommy"

Friday, October 10, 2008

Let's Play

Tonight was a night my husband had to work and we miss him so much when he works the weekends. But it was a beautiful evening, not to be wasted.
When he walked out the door, I felt a sense of boredom and knew my kids would be feeling it soon. So I said "let's play!" We went a new playground in our area and had the best time. I never grow tired of hearing "Mommy, watch this!"
I swung, was "put in jail", got dizzy, made them dizzy and just enjoyed their world.
Laughter is a great place to live.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

"Baby" Blessings

Today put blessings into perspective. I went to a funeral for my cousin Shane, who passed way too soon, 31, in a horrible way: unexpected, brutal, accidentally at someone else's hand. I haven't seen him in years because he and his family moved to Texas when I was a kid. So not to sound disconnected but I was there for my Aunt who has a tender residence in my memory. He was buried here though, next to his dad, my father's brother who also died too soon, cancer, two years ago. When I saw my Aunt during calling hours, she was keeping it together and I thought she must have reached that point when no more tears will come. But today, as the reality of her "baby" being laid to rest hit her in the face, as bright as the sun shone, she could barely stand and cried uncontrollably..Her pain tore my heart to pieces. I have 3 boys and the excruciating thought of losing one of them before I am called to be with my Father, is unimaginable. I could only feel a percentage of the loss, hurt, disgust and tragedy falling from her eyes.

As I prayed for her, I felt this overwhelming sense, you know, it starts in your stomach and works toward your throat, of thankfulness for my family. At the viewing my Aunt told me how beautiful my boys were and she said "baby", hold them tight while their young and you can protect them...one day you won't be able to". She is the kind of Aunt that you love when she calls you baby. She's lived in the south her whole life and when she says "baby" with that involuntary drawl, it is the sweetest term of endearment one can hear. With her words and God stirring my heart I was thankful for today, right now, I have my boys: healthy, rambunctious, alive. My husband who never met Shane, holding on to me so tight as I began to cry because he knew where my mind had landed. He knows me even when I'm unrecognizeable to myself.

Three years ago my Aunt would never have thought her family would go from 5 to just 3. I'm sure if she did, she would have spent that time differently and that is what this loss has challenged me to do "not boast for tomorrow". Be thankful for the blessings in front of me....today. My "Babe" and my "babies".

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Friends, Facebook and the Good ol' Days

I have been on Facebook for about two months now, after much procrastination. I viewed social networking as a tool used by twenty-somethings and teenagers. Fortunately and unfortunately it has become a lifeline to staying involved in the lives of my closest friends. We can "chat" everyday but I remember much simpler, more personal times.

When I was growing up, my parents friends would just "drop in" to spend time together. There was no appointment necessary. No sports schedules , homework or meetings to work around (even though we had all those things then too). If we weren't home they'd just stop by again.

And if the house was a mess? SO WHAT!!! That was just the condition our family was in that day and no one seemed to mind......not even my mom(something I did not inherit). There was no extravagant dinner, fancy dessert, or even coffee if you can imagine...just people co-existing in our slice of life.

Yes, I have a cell phone, I'm on Facebook and now even blogging. Technology is great but are these things necessary? My mom used to love to get out of the house to "get away from the phone" and now we carry them everywhere, complain about how expensive they are, but just can't seem to turn them off or heaven forbid, leave them at home. I just wish we could get that "stop by anytime!" mentality back into our culture, if not culture, maybe just in my life. With my friends.

It's not a wonder the "love thy neighbor" concept is lacking in today's society. Everything is done so quickly; a text, the "I only have a minute" phone call, IM, email-so impersonal.

I long for the spontaneity of "dropping in" on a friend, just because I thought of them. Writing in a paper-filled journal. Talking face to face, seeing excitement, laughter, sadness....expression on the face of my friend.
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=0E7B1703E2190B00

Friday, October 3, 2008

VP debate, Palin....Oh Sarah.


First of all let me start out positively. What I do like about Sarah Palin is the fact that she has gained political power and maintained her femininity. What was so offensive to me from Hillary wasn't necessarily just her politics but the fact that as I listened to her more and more she became more "this is a boys club and I can't be a man with the best of 'em" in her rallies and interviews. That is just an opinion so try not to be offended but I think a woman should behave like a woman and shouldn't have to take on manly qualities to exhibit her strength. Women should find strength in who God made them to be and work from that foundation. Women approach things differently, with heart and emotion and that shouldn't be considered a character flaw.


But back to Sarah, poor Sarah. I've been undecided of my impression of her. So I was optimistic that we would see something real, some credibility, some qualifications. Certainly she was picked for a reason. Right? Or was it because she is a woman and that would make those "right wingers" appear more progressive and forward thinking? I was disappointed in her performance. She was robotic, scripted and dodging questions to promote her "look what I've done" resume. I know that's part of the process but have you seen some of her interviews with Katie Couric? They look like they should be the parodies that we see on Saturday Night Live. By the way, I love Tina Fey as Sarah. When her VP announcement came out, I thought, "wow, she looks like Tina Fey". So that has been fun to watch. I don't think that Joe Biden really outshined her though either. No one was "knocking my socks off".


With all the issues that will be influenced as a result of this election, I find myself being the "flip flopper". I can usually, based on my own values determine the candidate that lines up with my ideals. I have been following this whole race for about a year and a half , it's intriguing to me, it's historical. For the first time though I can't sort through what their real agendas are. They seem to change constantly, or are to detailed to understand how it will affect my family.


Ugh! Sarah, you've gotta show me more. Right now, I might give you the crown in the Mrs. America Pageant, but the Vice Presidency? Not so sure. And with the age of your running mate..........

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What a day can bring


Today has brought laughter, resignation, and peace.
Samuel loves go to the basement to go through boxes that are still not unpacked from our move 10 months ago(if I haven't needed that stuff in 10 months.......). Every time, he finds some kind of "treasure" that has memory attached to it and sits next to me to remind me of "that one time when.....". After bringing up numerous games and toys, he came up with my hand weights and yoga mat and stated "Mommy, I brought your stuff up in case you want to "extercise" because I want you to be a "Mighty Mommy"! (He was recently introduced to Mighty Mouse, ah, the vintage toons are the best) It was so cute and so funny. A light moment in my day.
Then came resignation. I've come to accept that you can't find common ground with someone who won't step into your lawn for even a second. I am the type of person that believes "if they only understood where we are really coming from we could reach some balance". Maybe naive, but I thought that is what a family did...communicate. I guess not all families do, but I'm glad that in my home we do. My husband needs less of it than I do, but he listens to me, agrees and disagrees at times. My boys are at a stage where they don't want to talk about feelings. But Jer and I have made a conscious effort to make communication a foundation of our family. So I resign to the fact that I am going to have times in my life when people just don't want to or know how to communicate, healthily. But in our home I will be a "Mighty Mommy" to protect it and encourage it.
The peace came from a rather unusual place. My father-in-law has lung cancer, well at least that is where they found it first. About a week ago he learned it was also in other organs and his vertebrae. After the original diagnosis, he suffered a stroke and mild heart attack. Today we learned the heartbreaking news that he will have only weeks to months left in his life. However, Hospice has been called in and will be working to keep him pain free. How can I find peace there? The past months have been filled with unanswerable questions and tears, especially from my Tanner. He is Pappy's boy. He is 9 and our hearts were wrenching at what his response might be. We saw the great Comforter envelope his tender heart and he said "I want to take Pappy fishing and make sure I give him even more hugs and kisses". This will be his first experience with death. (My younger two do not understand the finality of earthly death but they understand that their Pappy knows Jesus and he will be in heaven.) We never wanted our children to fear sickness and death. Some times you don't know if what your trying to teach your children is taking hold, until it does. Today, there, we found peace.

The wisdom of 5 year olds

Every once in a while as I get my oldest 2 children on the school bus, my youngest son hasn't made his pitter patter down the hallway and out of his room. On these rare times, I like to climb back into bed for an extra 20 minutes of sleep. When Sam awakes he crawls into bed beside me and we snuggle up to catch an episode of Curious George. This morning was one of those precious days. But today he brought his "teddy" which is bigger than he is. He laid it between us and cozied his way under the covers. After about 30 seconds he stated "I have to move him(the teddy)." I responded "Aw, you wanting to snuggle with mommy?" He blew me away when he said "Well yeah, why wouldn't you want to be close to someone you love?" He sent chills down my spine and I couldn't speak. I just held him close. It was one of those moments that when other people experience it I think "did that really happen that way or did they see that in a movie?"
This innocent exchange made me contemplate all of my relationships. Why is it that the people I love the most, after my husband & children, seem the farthest away right now? Why have I allowed surrounding circumstance to distance me from friends when we should be holding each other the closest. Why, is that "teddy" in between us? I have a friend that I have known for about 14 years now and she doesn't live close anymore but we still keep in touch. She was my first"life after high school" friend. She changed my life. She was the first friend to ever tell me she loved me. When she saw a characteristic in me that she valued, she stated it. She is one of the most mild and genuine people I know. Her husband just very recently stepped into remission from Leukemia and now her mother, with whom she is extremely close, has ovarian cancer and hospice has been called in. She has encountered obstacles and heartbreak that I can't even fathom, and still, you guessed it, she's usually the one calling me to see how I'm doing. Are you kidding me?!!! The reality of her days are life and death, mine are not. I let busyness of life cause me to be lazy in my friendships. Busyness is my teddy.

I want to be more like my friend. I want to shake up my friendships with genuine concern, intimacy, encouragement and for heaven's sake laughter!! I can't remember the last time I shared a real "belly laugh" with a friend. I want to walk with my friends into old age. Not look back and ask "What ever happened to......?"



Monday, September 29, 2008

Ouch!



This is too funny. Some of you know we recently brought a lamb into the Quillin family. Well he is about 4 weeks old now and it is time for him to be neutered. This has come as quite a shock to my 3 boys. They can't fathom why anyone would do such a thing. "Will his "pee bug" fall off?" "He doesn't want that done!" I'm sorry if you don't find this humorous but when you live in house filled with testosterone you learn quickly that when it comes to the family jewels, men, of any species will unite.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

On this blog: Censorship(of truth) Prohibited

If you've read my blog you may think I'm pretty pessimistic. I would say more skeptical but as of late, pessimistic is probably appropriate. If there is one thing I can't stand, a pet peeve per se, is censorship. I love the truth even when it hurts. If you see a behavior in me that needs reproof, I may break down like a crying newborn but I am so thankful for the fact that you loved me enough to bring it to me, face to face, here it is, work it out, truth.
Church Politics has entered into my life and quite frankly, it sucks! Our church is in pursuit of a new "lead" pastor. This should be a fairly smooth transition....but a year? Come on! However sometimes when people are given power they have never had before, they tend to push their own agenda instead of looking in the best interest of the body, and God's intentions. God fearing, people loving, innocent, individuals have been stratigically tripped, to fall in the mud, rolled around in that mud and left sheilding themselves from the slinging of that mud as they gracefully walk away from a battle that should have never been launced. You may say, if this church is led by God how can there be a problem? Well, man has free will, always has, that is why the world is in the state it is today(a whole other blog for another day). Many men believe they know better than God. Anyone familiar with Peter? Of course they would never say that out loud, it's more of a heart attitude. Maybe they aren't even aware of it. Because it's hidden. Until it's not.
We are not children who need protected and given half truths. Lay it out, how it is so we can make informed, prayer led decisions. That is all we wanted.
The longer this process takes the more deceptiveness is revealed. Screened questions, forced departures, smear campaigns=divided body. I've been sitting on a lot of this for a while now, not wanting to divide. That time has passed and I feel this is actually more like a plea or a defense. When people start a destructive process and leave when they don't achieve their goal, they should stay gone. We are still here trying to pick up the pieces and the pouring of toxic waste(via social networking websites) on top of the debris is only infecting people trying to rebuild and move on. And when you attempt to infect our body, at least give them all the facts, not just opinions and open ended surveys. What is that song? "High School Never Ends".... We're all grown ups here, let's act like it. Remember who we are to be glorifying and what He really thinks of all this.
Search Him. Open your hearts. Hear the Word. Give Forgiveness generously. Recieve it graciously. Be Real. Be You. Allow me to be me. Different is just different.
I am cautiously optimistic as a new candidate has been announced. My prayer is that he will be as strong a leader that is needed to give loving rebuke to a church divided.

Friday, September 26, 2008

I've got nothin'!

Today my mind is blank. I have nothing to say about anything but I am watching the Presidential Debate so tommorrow may be a different story.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My favorite season



For me, this is the best time of year. I call it "football weather". It brings me back to a time when all my friday nites were spent with friends, hot chocolate and victories. Ahh, what a carefree time that was. Now football has a different context in my life, my "baby" is on the field. What a warrior he is and I am so proud of him but those little guys can really knock you for a loop! I'm not really a worrier, I just can't believe 7-10 year olds play tackle football. Besides who has time to worry when you have two other children, 5+7 running back and forth to the playground and constantly asking for money for concessions as you just as consistantly say "no, no.....no". Oh and did I mention the very competitive Daddy(God love him!)seated next to me? It's ok honey, their just kids, they DON'T take it that seriously. Yes, football is very different than those carefree days of old but I'm sure when I am 42 and fall approaches once again, and that "baby" is driving away to some prestigous university, I will replace those original carefree times in memory, for the one I am living right now. Somehow when life seems crazy I can step out in the middle of the day to the warm, comfortable sun or walk in the cool of the evening and find a tremendous comfort and peace. I think because this season passes so quickly, I try my best to take it slow. I think the sport of my middle son, cross country, sums up my approach to autumn: pace yourself but stay in the race.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Slight Mood Change

Okay, Okay, I've calmed down.....a little. Today was a really good day for my family. Nothing monumental, just lots of talking and laughing over dinner, story time @ the library, the simplicity I mentioned in a previous post. This is what God gives me when I need to be centered and focused on what my mission is. That doesn't mean that I am over my post content of yesterday-not by a long shot! but I look at my kids and I think how can I exibit the benefit of God's grace and love if I am so angry all the time? Anger is a human emotion that was given to me by God and his command is "be angry and sin not".Right? I'm not sure if my love for brutal truth is sin, and if it is, I ask for forgiveness but I try to be real in everything I do. I want my kids to see authenticity, recognize it, be accepting of it, and live it themselves. This may all seem random but in my head I know exactly what I'm saying and what I mean.

Playground Rules

I just read a disturbing comment to a friend's blog and have to ask........Does anyone else feel like they are playing in a sandbox with hundreds of kids then a few bullies come in and destroy everyone's toys and then pack up their own and leave the rest of us to pick up the pieces? What happened to Mom's playground rule "Play nice, no pushing and if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!" Let alone, the Golden Rule "Treat others the way you want to be treated".
I am frustrated and tired of pretending everything is just running the course of God's will. God's will is not for me to sit in an idle church while everyone gets out of their own way to start ministering to the people of this world. Christianity is not a do and don't, left or right, yours or mine society. It is an undeserved gift given by the Creator, to us who have believed and confessed his death, burial and ressurection for the covering of our sin. We have been given a huge commission to humbly reach the lost with His good news, however being in a church body who continues to self focus and tear down brothers and sisters in Christ, has put a hinderance on that very body and their commission. Sure it doesn't change my commission individually, but it has tainted it, in my heart. Yes and that is mine to deal with, with God, I get that.
I 100% believe that God is in ultimate control but that man's free will can make a 100 meter dash into a cross country, endurance race. Can we just all be real for 5 minutes please? We will not all, at anytime, see things exactly the same way. Constantly trying to prove yourself right will only breed bitterness toward your brother, whom you are weakening by dismissing his different(not neccessarily wrong, just DIFFERENT) opionion.
I feel like everyday I am sincerely casting out my "forgiveness net" over "Christians" who are standing readily with their "swords of the Spirit" HA! to slice my net wide open.
Believe me I have said these same things to myself but as a real, emotion wearing, imperfect, freed up Christ follower, enough is enough. Be confident in how God built you to serve him and not threatened by how he made me to serve and worship. Stop looking for a cookie cutter design of Christianity to follow. Actually follow Christ! Now there's a novel idea! We have become known by what we don't do instead of what we do, and at this point I hope that still remains partially true. I'd hate for the lost people in this world to see this local church as children who don't play well with others and won't share. I have less drama with my 3 boys who are under the age of 8!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Simplicity

I am a new blogger. I am a thinker and sometimes I just have to say (or write) those thoughts out loud to give my wonderful husband's ear a rest.
Everything is so busy all the time, for everyone I know. I just have this overwhelming need for simplicity in my life. I have a great life, husband and children. But with that great life comes schedules that you don't create and time that you don't control. One thing I now know is that every moment we have at home is a precious one. I sat at my dinner table tonight and looked at my kids and how fast they are growing and even though I've always stayed home with them I think " Where was I when they grew up?" I know they still need me and it's not like their going to college..........yet but they have started school and have lives that I'm not part of 8 hours a day. I take pride that we have raised them to be independent thinkers but it's tough to watch them take steps toward who they will become and you are helpless to slow it down. This is not a complaint, just an observation that when someone says "they grow up so fast" they mean that literally.
Finding my own independence again has been both a struggle and exciting. I've started my own business, making purses and that is very challenging and rewarding, a great creative outlet. I am in the interview process of volunteering for BBBS, something I've always wanted to do, I am excited to begin mentoring.
I don't want to be the person whose life begins when their kids move out, however there is some "mommy guilt" which I know, logically, is unwarranted but once you have kids, a large portion of your time is invested in them, and doing something for yourself feels selfish. I hope that my kids will view me as strong, giving and daring-not self centered.
I want to get back to the girl I was 10 years ago who was outgoing and social. I feel she has gotten lost in our own home and she is making a comeback, my husband will enjoy seeing her again. I love that I have more individual time with him now-he is my balance.