I Failed...Oh Wait!

Today has been a day. No different than any other day...pushing, shoving, yelling, me yelling..part of our daily routine. However today, I threatened to go on vacation for a week without them and see how smoothly their days go when I'm not here. Not my finest hour. I was just beyond frustration. Repeating myself, over-using the phrase "stop that", was more than I could handle on just one cup of coffee.
Later, I just sat in the bathtub trying to convince myself to be happy enough to enjoy dinner with my parents, siblings and niece and nephews(which I did), and cried. I'm exhausted and tired of feeling like a grouchy mom. The boy-ness in this house drowns me. I love all the things that make my boys, boys. Most of the time. Except for today. And today I cried. I failed.
As usual, when I see my sister's family, I end up with one of her angels and she takes one of mine. Cousin sleepovers are all the rage, you know. Sam and my nephew pulled out our art box and began drawing. Sam is working on shadowing(how cute is my little artist!). I watched for awhile then laid on the floor and picked up my own paper and pencil. We giggled as Sam told his "big stories" and Sam even asked if I would sign my work of art for him, as he did the same for me.
Then it was late. Bedtime tuck-ins, kisses, hugs, smiles. Sam told his cousin in response to I don't even know what; "That is one thing about my mom, she's always funny!" Who knew I was funny? Sammy did. Not grouchy, mean or ridiculous, I'm funny. Thanks for reminding me Sam. I haven't seen 'that mom' through my guilt, I'm glad you do.

Year Reviewed,-I'd give it a "6"

We celebrated New Years Day like this. And yes, we invited our laundry. It's like a cousin, the annoying one that stays too long and keeps coming back:

Because what better way to spend our new beginning after an exhausting 2010.

After our living room picnic, Sam and I cuddled up to a good book. He laid his chest on mine, closed his eyes and mine weren't far behind(props to the hubby for picking up the cam!)....like I said 2010 was exhausting: sports, numerous injuries, ER visits, an (ongoing) addition to our home and lots of learning about friendships.

What I loved in 2010:

• a memorable weekend away with fantastic couples
• a spontaneous family escape to the beach
• celebrating twelve years of marriage
• deepening bonds with friends
• watching walls expand in our home
• recurring cuddle times with the boys I feared they would outgrow by now
• The Shack

What I hated:

• kidney stones
• a broken wrist
• stitches
• another set of stitches
• truck repairs
• a group divided
• broken hearts
• I raised my voice (waaaaaaaay) too often

What I learned:

• no matter how tightly you assign a budget, it can be blown to hell
• whatever the issue or hurt, not talking about it makes it worse
• parents do not always know best
• sometimes when I am the most broken, I see God's plan the most clearly
• my "struggles" are minuscule in comparison to the load some have to carry
• I don't always have to be "the strong one", it's ok to need

One or more of each thing that I've loved, hated or learned in 2010 may happen again in 2011, like they did in 2009, 2008.........but they will never happen the same way. That is what I love about the turning of the calendar. New experiences. I may feel the same way-for different reasons. I may change my mind, I hope I do. I will change. That's how it works. Here's to a "10"! Cheers!

A lttle ditty to send you off with a smile..

Friend-a definition

friend noun: one attached to another by affection or esteem.


I recently celebrated my 35th birthday. In my life so far, I've been a sinner, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, redeemed, forgiven, stretched(physically and mentally!), blessed. I have failed, succeeded, won, lost, grieved, rejoiced, fallen on my knees and walked tall. During these periods of growth, gaining wisdom and learning lessons, the trickiest riddle of all has been what and who is a genuine friend. There have been some amazing and inspirational ladies who have passed through my world. God hasn't wasted a single experience or interaction. These women, for better and what sometimes seemed or worse, led me down a path. I've landed in a pool of unconditional love and acceptance, at least as close to it as humanly possible. Only a hand full of these women I call, friend.
I have a hard time putting into words what friend means to me, hence the definition. It is a term that is used too loosely. However, I love the idea of being attached by affection. As I tried to verbalize my own definition, there weren't words. Instead, emotions and heart yearnings I have toward the women I call my friends...affections. I have only a handful of faithfuls. Each of them spark different thoughts and emotions, or as I most recently read, colors.
My "You always get me, get past the tough exterior, curl-up on the couch in our sweats, devoted, kindred spirit" friend has opened my heart to experiencing deeper, truer, friendships. The culture that we live in is very cynical toward female friendships. She has reminded me that real, loving, sincere connection is possible, even for women!
My "Bosom buddy, it's creepy how we think about the same things at the same time, spiritual rock, lives clear across the country but it doesn't matter" friend has been an inspiration. A picture of grace through a storm, godly-advice giving, trustworthy confidant who warms my heart and is a revolution in leading souls toward Light.
My "You make me feel normal in the midst of the insanity we call motherhood, coffee drinking, constant encouragement" friends have been my saving grace during an uncomfortable time of transition and wandering.
My "only live a couple of hours from each other, do not talk as often as we should, can always pick up where we left off, permanent imprint on my heart" friend was THE FIRST genuine friendship I ever experienced. We met after the unfortunate girl experience the world calls high school. She enveloped me with sincere care and made me part of her family. We have partied together, shared wedding ceremonies, had babies..grown up..together.
My "where have you been all my life I've been looking for you, how did 13 years pass since we spoke, our similarities make me cry, lone female existence in our homes" friend has just recently re-entered my life..via facebook. See, facebook can be helpful. We were roommates while attending cosmetology school and it was always evident that she shared a relationship with Christ..one I wanted nothing to do with. But when I did discover His amazing grace and forgiveness, she was the first person I wanted to tell. We have shared extensive and intense "conversations" and the reconnection fused by God's love have invoked feelings of love and desire for friendship in someone I haven't seen or spoken to, again-for 13 years! She is simply amazing.
These relationships are like those I have with my children. I could never choose one I love the most, but they each inspire a unique kind of love from me. They are strong, gentle, kind, honest, beauty infused blessings. They have stolen my affections, leaving us, attached.

grown up

Not fifteen, a young woman
Your spirit is free, your heart sincere
wise and observant.

I remember a playful freshman
eyes fixed on boys
investing, reaching, not knowing if you were there.

I witnessed transformation
steady growth.
Dreamed for you
where He might lead you.

I pride in you like my child
daughter in spirit.
Maturing, a young lady
friend.

Wisdom so rare
in years so fresh
You are there
yet just beginning.

Admiration, awe
pride and Love.
For you my little girl
grown up.


Olivia, I'm so glad I've seen you grow, follow to lead and become this impressive young woman that you are. I see so much of me in you at the age of twenty, yet your doing it so much better. I am so proud of you my sweet girl. I will forever be thankful that God allowed us to be connected. I love you.

Breathing

"God often allows His own provision to cease in order to teach us that all provision comes from Him and not from the intermediate source that He provides."~Pastor Paul Richardson, West Ridge Church, Georgia.
You may have to read and re-read this quote for it to make sense(and read 1Kings 17:8-16)....I only had to read it once. God sent Elijah to drought stricken Zarephath to stay with a widow and her son. Elijah asked her for water and cake. She replied that she had only enough for her and her son and then they would die. But Elijah told her to get the cake for him first and then for her and her son. "For thus saith the Lord God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day that the Lord sendeth rain upon the earth"17:14. Just a side note, If I only had enough food in the kitchen to feed my children one more time I don't know if I would feed the stranger first. However, she did and her meal nor oil never ran out.....it's not raining yet. This was the premise and inspiration of the message...
Drought. Promises. Miracles.
I have to fill in some missing pieces that made this so profoundly relevant to me. I was "running away" from Ohio weather to (supposedly) warm and sunny Georgia, where they are literally experiencing a drought. And you guessed it! The whole time I was there is was cool, gloomy and RAINING!! The past year has been a heavy spiritual trial for Jer and I and some of our dearest friends, who I was there to visit. I was so excited to step into their new world and see them "at home". Besides their literal home being beautiful, they have exciting prospects in the works and found an incredible local church,which I also visited. I didn't have a lot of expectations. First time visits to churches are typically uneventful. Filled with awkwardness and distraction from the message due to one's preoccupation with curiosity. Not this church. Not for me. Not familiar with their worship songs allowed me to meditate on the words being sung to my God. The rain poured from my eyes and outside the windows. The soil in my dry, broken heart was moistened. I was breathing, in church no less. If you follow this blog you'll understand. Following worship the pastor taught from the fore mentioned passage. He spoke of the droughts people suffer, mine-"a drought in spirit" and how "it hadn't rained in soo long!" Continuously wiping rain drops from my cheeks and hearing them all around me was no irony. It was God. Reminding me "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee(Heb 13:5c)". After the service, Heidi asked if I was ok, and I told her "I'm good, I just haven't been able to breathe like that in church for soooo long." The fact was, I was lightened, lifted and reunited.....but that's a lot to express when it's raining. I was breathing. I know one service is not the rain that I'm praying for but I will take these scattered showers until it does.......it's not raining yet.............but it will.
(another non-coincidence, read the rest of 1Kings 17. the widow's son falls seriously ill and "there was no breath left in him". Elijah cries out to God and the Lord hears him and the boy is "revived"~totally read that 2 days after I made the breathing comment)

Saying "I'm sorry".........Priceless

(Mommy has a sinus infection so every spill, noise and complaint is amplified)Tonight after wrestling practice, I gave my middle child Owen a bath and then his supper, Italian sausage. After a few bites, he was at the refrigerator getting "more cheese". I told him he didn't need any more and he retreated to the fridge with the package of shredded cheese..........opened... and upside down. My back was to him and he came to me very meekly and said "Mommy, look." There was cheese everywhere and I snapped! I yelled at him and told him I had been cleaning all day and to go get the broom so I could clean up "more messes I didn't make!" He didn't cry, he just went to his room and as soon as my hand touched the broom handle my irrational reaction hit me like a ton of bricks. I called him back out and told him "I'm sorry Owen, Mommy shouldn't have yelled like that, it's just cheese. Will you forgive me?" A glossy eyed nod and a kiss and he went back to his room, still tear free. I didn't feel like I had truly expressed my remorse so I immediately called him back out, sat on the kitchen floor with him and said "Owen, Mommy's mess up some times too, and I really am sorry. It was an accident and I know you didn't mean to spill the cheese. (His eyes began to swell) Did Mommy make you feel sad?" A nod and the tears began to roll. I felt terrible. I just held him and reinforced my apology with big hugs and kisses and honest conversation. He said "I forgive you Mommy, I love you too." Later, as I gave the recount of the events to Jerry, I said "I'm so glad I called him back out the second time to say I messed up because he would have taken all that with him into his room and it would have stayed there, bottled up.........like I had to do so many times as a kid."
I just hate so much that I made his heart hurt like that. I'm supposed to be his protector, not offender. But what a beautiful blessing he gave to me........forgiveness. What a reminder...asking a son for forgiveness and receiving it freely. Priceless.

The Hope of a New Year

Dear 2008,

Goodbye to you. You have been a challenging yet good year. You have shaken my circumstances and tested my faith.
You have held the stressful busyness of selling a home, moving and construction that disguised the blessing of simplifying and living with less. You have taken a marriage that had become lukewarm to the heights of a love reborn. Inserted communication into the heart of our family.
You have made me question my parenting skills yet confirmed that not everything I have done is wrong. I have great kids.
You took my dear father in law, a centerpiece of our family, but given me new eyes to see my mother in law. Always knowing that she was incredible, I realize now how I want to love my husband. As I enter 2009, the loss of him is becoming more final. When I look forward to family gatherings, the anticipation of his absence is weighing down my heart.
You have made me question "spirituality" yet shown me that God created me as a unique being and no other person can fulfil what He designed for me to achieve. Understanding only He will determine my successes and failures. I pray for continued confidence to exercise my freedom in Him to serve as He plans.
You have taught me healthy debate does not equal confrontation. Hearing and being heard breeds peace.
You have delivered depressing buzz words into everyday conversation: "Bailouts" and "economics" have been troubling. Even temporarily touching home but generosity and kindness were unveiled.
You gave us Presidential elections that were fascinating, intriguing and historical.
You have been joyous and sad, struggled and victorious, here and now gone. As you leave, new promises of hope swell. I will release the hurt you brought in and carry the treasure you gave, out.........to 2009 and beyond.

Sincerely,
Betty