My baby's growing up

My firstborn is 9 today. Sad, exciting, unbelievable. He is so proud of himself and so am I but where did my baby go? I remember every detail of his birth, his first smile, first word, first step, his huge imagination budding as a toddler............everything. I remember his excitement when each of his brothers came home from the hospital and how he clung to my side most of the day.

When you have 3 boys ages 3 and younger, people tell you "they grow up fast". So many days I wished that were true and thought I would never survive those baby/toddler years. Now I find myself wanting to press rewind or even pause to slow all this growing down. Don't get me wrong there is some freedom that comes with your kids maturing and I enjoy that but everyday I see him learning, discovering and growing into the man he will one day be. He still needs me but I long for the days of rocking him to sleep and carrying him on my hip.

Enough of the "Mommy sadness" though. He is a great kid and I don't want to focus on how I feel but celebrate who he is.

He is a creative, bright boy who makes me laugh when I need it most. He does well in school, but hates it. He loves hunting with his Daddy....(he still calls us Mommy and Daddy, not just mom and dad, I love that!). He is an outstanding big brother when he wants to be and he is so sensitive and caring of babies. He has a bond with his Pappy that will remain long after he is gone. He runs to hug his grandparents, aunts and uncles when they visit or spectate one of his many extra-curriculars. He still has an incredible, inspiring imagination. He is one of the loves of my life and I am so thankful every morning when he refuses to leave before he gives me a kiss.

Tanner, I love you buddy. I am so proud of you. Happy Birthday honey.

Simplify-This wouldn't have been funny a year ago

10 months ago we moved into a smaller, fixer-upper home from a house that was only 9 years old and completely finished in our quest to spend less and give and save more. Simply, simplify.

I have spent my morning cleaning my house in preparation for visitors. I know these friends could care less what my house looks like but I just start cleaning things that sometimes get neglected on a daily basis. I used to be anal(for lack of a better word) about my house being perfectly kept but over that past year I have resigned to the fact there is no such thing. And I'm finally ok with that. But as I was cleaning today, I had to laugh at some of the messes I found that would have sent me over the edge a year ago and some questions I have:
-How is it that toothpaste spit is all over my pretty candle that sits next to my sink?

-At what age to boys acquire better "aim"?

-Why is there a pack of fruit snacks under my sons pillow?

-Who poured the juice down the front of my kitchen cupboards?

-How did last nite's dinner end up UNDER the table?

-Why is my keyboard sticky?

-I didn't know I had frosted windows?...oh wait, those are fingerprints.

-Wouldn't my kitchen look even cleaner without all of those A+'s and artwork on the fridge?(Definitely but not negotiable!!)

-How much dust can collect on a shelf that is above eye level?

-Why is my dishwasher still not hooked up to plumbing?(Now this is a serious matter)

Please don't judge my housekeeping abilities. I actually still do try to maintain a presentable home, but when we're busy, we're busy and these are just a few of the things that made me laugh today. Besides what else can you do? You have to laugh or it will consume you!!

Didn't you hear me?!!!

My 9 year old son plays pee wee football. We were celebrating my Mom's birthday at our house so we let him skip practice so he could be here. Since he was missing practice he wanted to go for a run so he would "stay in shape". How cute. We live in a rural area and so I let him run a 1/2 mile up the road in front of our house and back. I watched him run out of my sight and waited. It was taking too long for my liking so I yelled for him to hurry back....no reply. Panic!!
I got that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and grabbed the other two boys and jumped in the car to find him and there he was.....100 yards from my front door, innocently looking into the creek below a small bridge. Still in a panic I grabbed his arm and said "Where have you been? Didn't you hear me yelling for you? Why didn't you answer me?" After I recomposed, I explained to him that I was worried and didn't mean to yell at him.
Later when I was alone it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just sobbed. Not only because that is one of my biggest fears but because out of no where I began to have this overwhelming sense that, that is probably how my Father feels. I am walking along a dry, fruitless path and we have literally been surrounded by terminal illness and suffering and my Father is shouting"Where have you been? Don't you hear me yelling for you? Why aren't you answering me??"
Wow. It's that simple.

Inspire Me!

"We're meant to be like multi-colored Christmas lights attached to one electrical cord called the Holy Spirit and strung strategically all over the earth..............Admit it. Aren't you just a tad bored by your neatly compartmentalized, comfort-fit Christianity?"~Beth Moore

I took my boys to pajama story time tonight and I picked up the book Voices of the Faithful, (Inspiring Stories of Courage from Christians serving around the World) by Beth Moore.
I've always liked Beth Moore for her frank, common sense approach to the Word. I saw this book as soon as we entered the library and by the time I reached page 6 of the introduction I saw this quote. I am already inspired. Our local church is going through a "transition", to say the least. I am cautiously optimistic as we are in the interviewing process of a new lead pastor.
He seems to not want to lock himself into our church's "business as usual" "keep everything the same" philosophy and I couldn't be more pleased!!
I love our church. We have been blessed with sound doctrine and taught the Word forward and backwards. But for the past couple of years I would sit in the worship center, same spot every Sunday, and think to myself " how many more times can we be taught this before we go out and do something with it?" "Can you kill a horse after it's been beat to death?" I know this may sound cynical and it's not meant to be but I was becoming restless. I had all this knowledge stored in my brain and my heart was exploding, wanting to be encouraged to pour it out, not just on my own but corporately. Strength in numbers right? And then the past year? Nothing. We act as if the world has stopped because there are some difficulties within our little world. This may seem like rambling but in my head it makes total sense. I hope the rest of this book is as good as the introduction.......I need to be inspired......by someone who has actually faced real persecution and brought glory to our Father. Some perspective.

Why I'm a GOOD Mom

Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary has one of those blogs that every mother can relate to: honest, heartfelt, and just so funny. She came up with the beautiful idea for us mothers to take a break from our mommy guilt and write a post listing all of the things that we are doing well as a mother. (totally plagiarized this first paragraph from Jess,One Wild and Precious Life, but I loved the idea as well)

1. I encourage my boys to be their best selves in everything that they attempt.

2. They are affectionate toward us because we are affectionate with them.

3. Just today, Tanner asked Owen if he wanted to pack or buy his lunch for school. Pack, of course. He took inventory of the cupboards for Owen's faves and packed his lunch for him.
I hope it was because I enjoy serving others.

4. I allow them to express themselves even when they want to wear running pants to church instead of khaki's.

5. I have given them confidence. They lead among their friends and would just as soon play alone if no one will follow. They are comfortable in their own skin.

6. I have given them compassion, imagination and creativity. They love to make cards for friends in need of sympathy or just because. Tanner will fill a notebook with "illustrations" and I become the "author". He is even beginning to write on his own. Their artwork is praised and displayed on the gallery that is my refrigerator.

7. I am not a social butterfly but I try to stick close to the friends I have and so do they.

8. I exhibit that healthy relationships are filled with the messiness of emotion. Not just one's total agreeance with the other.


9. They understand who God is and what he has done in mine, Jerry's and most recently Tanner's life. His grace and Mercy have been applied to them through us.

10. Love of Creation: they have a gentleness with babies, animals and our environment.

11. I am honest even when it's hard. When they get a "check mark" at school, they tell me before I have to ask or find a note from the teacher.

12. I apologize to them when I overreact or show lack of patience.

13. I give them a safe haven. When they land here, whatever happened today can be set at the table along with dinner or in the safety of my ear as they lay their head on my shoulder.

14. I've given them the joy of reading- we make at least one trip to the library every week.

15. I give discipline in sandwich form: GRACE[discipline]LOVE...(with kisses on top)

16. Birthdays & Holidays

17. I enjoy my "me time" it is a necessity for my sanity. They take time to just be still away from busyness.

18. Unconditional love, for real, not just in word but action. Something I lacked growing up.

19. I know their love languages.

20. They are forgiving(Um...that might be more from my husband, oops). No matter how I may have responded, rushed or ranted through the day, every nite w/o fail they still want me to tuck them in...kisses and all....transgressions erased.

I guess when I look at it from this window the glass is much cleaner..thanks Heather and Jess for inspiring me. I have tears in my eyes filled with gratitude that I am blessed enough to be called "Mommy"

Let's Play

Tonight was a night my husband had to work and we miss him so much when he works the weekends. But it was a beautiful evening, not to be wasted.
When he walked out the door, I felt a sense of boredom and knew my kids would be feeling it soon. So I said "let's play!" We went a new playground in our area and had the best time. I never grow tired of hearing "Mommy, watch this!"
I swung, was "put in jail", got dizzy, made them dizzy and just enjoyed their world.
Laughter is a great place to live.

"Baby" Blessings

Today put blessings into perspective. I went to a funeral for my cousin Shane, who passed way too soon, 31, in a horrible way: unexpected, brutal, accidentally at someone else's hand. I haven't seen him in years because he and his family moved to Texas when I was a kid. So not to sound disconnected but I was there for my Aunt who has a tender residence in my memory. He was buried here though, next to his dad, my father's brother who also died too soon, cancer, two years ago. When I saw my Aunt during calling hours, she was keeping it together and I thought she must have reached that point when no more tears will come. But today, as the reality of her "baby" being laid to rest hit her in the face, as bright as the sun shone, she could barely stand and cried uncontrollably..Her pain tore my heart to pieces. I have 3 boys and the excruciating thought of losing one of them before I am called to be with my Father, is unimaginable. I could only feel a percentage of the loss, hurt, disgust and tragedy falling from her eyes.

As I prayed for her, I felt this overwhelming sense, you know, it starts in your stomach and works toward your throat, of thankfulness for my family. At the viewing my Aunt told me how beautiful my boys were and she said "baby", hold them tight while their young and you can protect them...one day you won't be able to". She is the kind of Aunt that you love when she calls you baby. She's lived in the south her whole life and when she says "baby" with that involuntary drawl, it is the sweetest term of endearment one can hear. With her words and God stirring my heart I was thankful for today, right now, I have my boys: healthy, rambunctious, alive. My husband who never met Shane, holding on to me so tight as I began to cry because he knew where my mind had landed. He knows me even when I'm unrecognizeable to myself.

Three years ago my Aunt would never have thought her family would go from 5 to just 3. I'm sure if she did, she would have spent that time differently and that is what this loss has challenged me to do "not boast for tomorrow". Be thankful for the blessings in front of me....today. My "Babe" and my "babies".

Friends, Facebook and the Good ol' Days

I have been on Facebook for about two months now, after much procrastination. I viewed social networking as a tool used by twenty-somethings and teenagers. Fortunately and unfortunately it has become a lifeline to staying involved in the lives of my closest friends. We can "chat" everyday but I remember much simpler, more personal times.

When I was growing up, my parents friends would just "drop in" to spend time together. There was no appointment necessary. No sports schedules , homework or meetings to work around (even though we had all those things then too). If we weren't home they'd just stop by again.

And if the house was a mess? SO WHAT!!! That was just the condition our family was in that day and no one seemed to mind......not even my mom(something I did not inherit). There was no extravagant dinner, fancy dessert, or even coffee if you can imagine...just people co-existing in our slice of life.

Yes, I have a cell phone, I'm on Facebook and now even blogging. Technology is great but are these things necessary? My mom used to love to get out of the house to "get away from the phone" and now we carry them everywhere, complain about how expensive they are, but just can't seem to turn them off or heaven forbid, leave them at home. I just wish we could get that "stop by anytime!" mentality back into our culture, if not culture, maybe just in my life. With my friends.

It's not a wonder the "love thy neighbor" concept is lacking in today's society. Everything is done so quickly; a text, the "I only have a minute" phone call, IM, email-so impersonal.

I long for the spontaneity of "dropping in" on a friend, just because I thought of them. Writing in a paper-filled journal. Talking face to face, seeing excitement, laughter, sadness....expression on the face of my friend.
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=0E7B1703E2190B00

VP debate, Palin....Oh Sarah.

First of all let me start out positively. What I do like about Sarah Palin is the fact that she has gained political power and maintained her femininity. What was so offensive to me from Hillary wasn't necessarily just her politics but the fact that as I listened to her more and more she became more "this is a boys club and I can't be a man with the best of 'em" in her rallies and interviews. That is just an opinion so try not to be offended but I think a woman should behave like a woman and shouldn't have to take on manly qualities to exhibit her strength. Women should find strength in who God made them to be and work from that foundation. Women approach things differently, with heart and emotion and that shouldn't be considered a character flaw.

But back to Sarah, poor Sarah. I've been undecided of my impression of her. So I was optimistic that we would see something real, some credibility, some qualifications. Certainly she was picked for a reason. Right? Or was it because she is a woman and that would make those "right wingers" appear more progressive and forward thinking? I was disappointed in her performance. She was robotic, scripted and dodging questions to promote her "look what I've done" resume. I know that's part of the process but have you seen some of her interviews with Katie Couric? They look like they should be the parodies that we see on Saturday Night Live. By the way, I love Tina Fey as Sarah. When her VP announcement came out, I thought, "wow, she looks like Tina Fey". So that has been fun to watch. I don't think that Joe Biden really outshined her though either. No one was "knocking my socks off".

With all the issues that will be influenced as a result of this election, I find myself being the "flip flopper". I can usually, based on my own values determine the candidate that lines up with my ideals. I have been following this whole race for about a year and a half , it's intriguing to me, it's historical. For the first time though I can't sort through what their real agendas are. They seem to change constantly, or are to detailed to understand how it will affect my family.

Ugh! Sarah, you've gotta show me more. Right now, I might give you the crown in the Mrs. America Pageant, but the Vice Presidency? Not so sure. And with the age of your running mate..........

What a day can bring

Today has brought laughter, resignation, and peace.
Samuel loves go to the basement to go through boxes that are still not unpacked from our move 10 months ago(if I haven't needed that stuff in 10 months.......). Every time, he finds some kind of "treasure" that has memory attached to it and sits next to me to remind me of "that one time when.....". After bringing up numerous games and toys, he came up with my hand weights and yoga mat and stated "Mommy, I brought your stuff up in case you want to "extercise" because I want you to be a "Mighty Mommy"! (He was recently introduced to Mighty Mouse, ah, the vintage toons are the best) It was so cute and so funny. A light moment in my day.
Then came resignation. I've come to accept that you can't find common ground with someone who won't step into your lawn for even a second. I am the type of person that believes "if they only understood where we are really coming from we could reach some balance". Maybe naive, but I thought that is what a family did...communicate. I guess not all families do, but I'm glad that in my home we do. My husband needs less of it than I do, but he listens to me, agrees and disagrees at times. My boys are at a stage where they don't want to talk about feelings. But Jer and I have made a conscious effort to make communication a foundation of our family. So I resign to the fact that I am going to have times in my life when people just don't want to or know how to communicate, healthily. But in our home I will be a "Mighty Mommy" to protect it and encourage it.
The peace came from a rather unusual place. My father-in-law has lung cancer, well at least that is where they found it first. About a week ago he learned it was also in other organs and his vertebrae. After the original diagnosis, he suffered a stroke and mild heart attack. Today we learned the heartbreaking news that he will have only weeks to months left in his life. However, Hospice has been called in and will be working to keep him pain free. How can I find peace there? The past months have been filled with unanswerable questions and tears, especially from my Tanner. He is Pappy's boy. He is 9 and our hearts were wrenching at what his response might be. We saw the great Comforter envelope his tender heart and he said "I want to take Pappy fishing and make sure I give him even more hugs and kisses". This will be his first experience with death. (My younger two do not understand the finality of earthly death but they understand that their Pappy knows Jesus and he will be in heaven.) We never wanted our children to fear sickness and death. Some times you don't know if what your trying to teach your children is taking hold, until it does. Today, there, we found peace.

The wisdom of 5 year olds

Every once in a while as I get my oldest 2 children on the school bus, my youngest son hasn't made his pitter patter down the hallway and out of his room. On these rare times, I like to climb back into bed for an extra 20 minutes of sleep. When Sam awakes he crawls into bed beside me and we snuggle up to catch an episode of Curious George. This morning was one of those precious days. But today he brought his "teddy" which is bigger than he is. He laid it between us and cozied his way under the covers. After about 30 seconds he stated "I have to move him(the teddy)." I responded "Aw, you wanting to snuggle with mommy?" He blew me away when he said "Well yeah, why wouldn't you want to be close to someone you love?" He sent chills down my spine and I couldn't speak. I just held him close. It was one of those moments that when other people experience it I think "did that really happen that way or did they see that in a movie?"
This innocent exchange made me contemplate all of my relationships. Why is it that the people I love the most, after my husband & children, seem the farthest away right now? Why have I allowed surrounding circumstance to distance me from friends when we should be holding each other the closest. Why, is that "teddy" in between us? I have a friend that I have known for about 14 years now and she doesn't live close anymore but we still keep in touch. She was my first"life after high school" friend. She changed my life. She was the first friend to ever tell me she loved me. When she saw a characteristic in me that she valued, she stated it. She is one of the most mild and genuine people I know. Her husband just very recently stepped into remission from Leukemia and now her mother, with whom she is extremely close, has ovarian cancer and hospice has been called in. She has encountered obstacles and heartbreak that I can't even fathom, and still, you guessed it, she's usually the one calling me to see how I'm doing. Are you kidding me?!!! The reality of her days are life and death, mine are not. I let busyness of life cause me to be lazy in my friendships. Busyness is my teddy.

I want to be more like my friend. I want to shake up my friendships with genuine concern, intimacy, encouragement and for heaven's sake laughter!! I can't remember the last time I shared a real "belly laugh" with a friend. I want to walk with my friends into old age. Not look back and ask "What ever happened to......?"