Contradictions

Today, I was loading the dishwasher as all my guys finished eating. The sink was completely emptied and Tanner walked over and attempted to hand me his plate. He stood there for about 15 seconds waiting for me to finish placing the previous dish in the washer, plate-in-hand extended. I just looked at him and said "Are you kidding me?" Instead of placing the plate himself, he was waiting for me to do it! Is that what I am teaching my boys? That even if you are able-bodied and standing right in front of the dishwasher you hand the plate to me to put it in for you? I hate that.
This evening, all my guys were at wrestling practice. As Jerry wrapped up his coaching responsibilities, Owen called to ask "Mom, what did you make for dinner?" As I told him, for a half a second, I almost responded to him as I did to Tanner. In the second half of that second, I realized I love it. I love that I am able to be available and flexible with meals, even during our crazy wrestling schedule. They KNOW that I will have something prepared for them and not have to make their own meals even though they are able, that home is a place for nourishment- of all kinds. I love that.
Contradiction.
I try to live my life with consistency. Treating people the way I want to be treated, owning my strong opinions with out being oppressive, making peace unless utterly impossible and teaching my boys these same things. You may find these admirable or ridiculous, and really, either is fine.
There is so much emphasis on consistency. Consistence in discipline, exercise, time in the Word, meal times, church attendance, bedtimes, date nights....AHHHHHH!!!!! TOO MUCH CONSISTENCY!!!
I am a forgiven, commanded to be holy. I mess that up everyday, consistently. Contradiction. That is what life is, why not embrace it a little more? Why not change our minds? Let the kids stay up ten minutes later just to cuddle? Being spontaneous with our spouses rather than "pencil in" a date night? Eat dinner at 8pm and just be thankful your sitting together? Skip the gym, sit and catch up with a friend? Not feeling guilty for missing a Sunday service to have real fellowship with your family? Not reading God's Word out of obligation but just stopping to talk our Father?
Contradiction doesn't have to have a negative context. Find your areas of "too much consistency" and contradict them. Go on, be brave. It's freeing.

Redeeming Time

Christmas Morn they awoke at five

I grabbed my camera and watched the paper fly

Excitement flourished as they opened each gift

But not long after their spirits needed a lift.

Whining and pouting, impatience on high

Too tired to be grateful, frustrated my mind.

They began to reexamine their bountiful stash

Tears subsided and they were playing with dash

Arrows flying, pellets shot, guitars being rocked

Time for a nap, seven hours had been clocked.

Sleepy eyes arose with mid-afternoon smiles and joy

Thank you Mommy-n-Daddy as they rediscovered each "toy".

Festivities continued with our tradition of a movie

We laughed at the antics of Boo-Boo and Yogi.

The next day we jumped from bed to a melody sung off key

"Don't touch that it's mine, Give it back to me!"

Playing referee was wearing us thin

Drank a lot of coffee but really wanted gin.

The mess and decorations were taken hastily to the attic

I'd been pushed to my limit, "That's it, I've had it!

Then as God does, He gave me a new day

One filled with kisses, hugs and play.

They sled with Uncle Lewie, bringing stories of adventure

I enjoyed caffeine and a friend, relieving more pressure.

The Noel buzz had finally worn off, my kids were returning

Talking and sharing, moments for which I was yearning.

The memories of days past erased from my mind

I was cashing in, redeeming this time.

We truly had a REAL and memorable Christmas. We celebrate the birth of our Saviour. That is real. My kids behaved like kids. That is real.

In my obsession to create perfect memories for my children, I set myself up for feelings of hurt. I have this ideal vision of how moments will occur before they do. When I release the expectations and cry out for mercy, the moments happen on their own, my blessings are revealed....I am redeemed. That is real, perfection.

Merry Christmas

This post will be short and sweet. Yesterday, I posted how I love to give to my children..I hope it didn't portray me as a materialistic, commercial Christmas, participant.
The Christmas we celebrate centers around a King. A King born to a virgin. A King born, to die. For us. For me. For you.
Sometimes people complicate this easy truth. Jesus is God. Jesus lived a sinless life, something impossible for us to do. He died for our sins, so we didn't have to. So we could regain the relationship intended for us to have with our King. If you believe and confess this truth to the One True God, your relationship with the King can be restored as well. If you have questions about that you can ask and I will try to answer. If your reading this post, I wanted you to. The King just wants you. He yearns to give you this gift, it's why he was born.
The Gospel is easy, nothing more to add to it, short. The blessing of unity with Christ, eternal life with The King, beyond sweet.

Anticipation

I experienced and continue to be blessed by the experience of Christmas, all year long. I understand why I celebrate Christmas and the miracle that this Miracle has given to me as a free gift, no returns. I am thankful for the birth and death of Jesus, for without it, I'd be wandering aimlessly in this world where any other answer to the questions, "who am I, what is my purpose?" would return void.
The remainder of this post will be very cliche, Christmas is coming banter, yet hopefully reflect the joy I find in giving to my boys.
I started in October encouraging my three boys to begin writing their Christmas wish lists. Of course, like most of the time, when I encourage them to itemize, organize or plan, they ignored my requests. So when Black Friday rolled around, I headed out at 12:00am with only the gift I wanted for Jerry on my list. As my sister and mom stood in line for the items they desired, I wandered through the store looking for ideas. I found a 2011 Guinness Book of World Records, perfect for my son Tanner, who like his father enjoys owning a wealth of useless facts. For Owen, my obsessive reader, a clip-on book light. For Sam, a pogo stick that he can enjoy at home and not envy the one he has enjoyed at our friends house for endless jumps. I continued to shop until 8am then headed home for a nap. Jerry and I headed back out to the stores that evening. As we brainstormed, we stumbled upon the perfect "big" gift for each boy. We came home and wrapped and wrapped and wrapped. We were so pleased with what we had found for the boys. After a couple on-line orders, our shopping was finished.
As the holiday was drawing closer, I had two thoughts: 1-our boys are so spoiled they have nothing to ask for or 2- they are so content with their lives they can't name anything they want. I will selfishly tell myself that it is the latter in order to boost my parenting philosophy ego.
They have finally begun to randomly make requests. So far we have already gotten all of them! (not that I'm getting anything else anyway) I am finding intense joy in knowing my children so well that I was able to fulfill wishes they didn't even know they had until now. I am finding myself anticipating our fun-filled morning as much as they do. Seeing the expressions on their faces, the wiggles in their posture, the joy in their hearts.......I anticipate.
I wasn't planning on making a spiritual reference but as I wrote the previous paragraph it just occurred to me how my perfect Father rejoices when He gives us the gift of dreams fulfilled. If my anticipation is this great, I can't even begin to imagine His. Waiting, to give us the gifts we desire and don't even know we desire, in His infinite wisdom and timing. I am gushing, knowing we are going to bring excitement to our children. I honestly believe Jesus is feeling the same way, only magnified. He knows my deepest desires, requests. He knows when and which ones He will fulfill. He anticipates too.
I saw this quote on a friends facebook page "You can give without loving but you can't love without giving." I. Love. This. I can give to anyone and not love them but my family possess such a large portion of my love I am instinctively inclined to give to them. My desire to give to them is not a way for me to receive love, it's an uncontrollable urge that flows from my love. It's not a choice, it's an effect. I anticipate the effect of the effect.

Friend-a definition

friend noun: one attached to another by affection or esteem.


I recently celebrated my 35th birthday. In my life so far, I've been a sinner, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, redeemed, forgiven, stretched(physically and mentally!), blessed. I have failed, succeeded, won, lost, grieved, rejoiced, fallen on my knees and walked tall. During these periods of growth, gaining wisdom and learning lessons, the trickiest riddle of all has been what and who is a genuine friend. There have been some amazing and inspirational ladies who have passed through my world. God hasn't wasted a single experience or interaction. These women, for better and what sometimes seemed or worse, led me down a path. I've landed in a pool of unconditional love and acceptance, at least as close to it as humanly possible. Only a hand full of these women I call, friend.
I have a hard time putting into words what friend means to me, hence the definition. It is a term that is used too loosely. However, I love the idea of being attached by affection. As I tried to verbalize my own definition, there weren't words. Instead, emotions and heart yearnings I have toward the women I call my friends...affections. I have only a handful of faithfuls. Each of them spark different thoughts and emotions, or as I most recently read, colors.
My "You always get me, get past the tough exterior, curl-up on the couch in our sweats, devoted, kindred spirit" friend has opened my heart to experiencing deeper, truer, friendships. The culture that we live in is very cynical toward female friendships. She has reminded me that real, loving, sincere connection is possible, even for women!
My "Bosom buddy, it's creepy how we think about the same things at the same time, spiritual rock, lives clear across the country but it doesn't matter" friend has been an inspiration. A picture of grace through a storm, godly-advice giving, trustworthy confidant who warms my heart and is a revolution in leading souls toward Light.
My "You make me feel normal in the midst of the insanity we call motherhood, coffee drinking, constant encouragement" friends have been my saving grace during an uncomfortable time of transition and wandering.
My "only live a couple of hours from each other, do not talk as often as we should, can always pick up where we left off, permanent imprint on my heart" friend was THE FIRST genuine friendship I ever experienced. We met after the unfortunate girl experience the world calls high school. She enveloped me with sincere care and made me part of her family. We have partied together, shared wedding ceremonies, had babies..grown up..together.
My "where have you been all my life I've been looking for you, how did 13 years pass since we spoke, our similarities make me cry, lone female existence in our homes" friend has just recently re-entered my life..via facebook. See, facebook can be helpful. We were roommates while attending cosmetology school and it was always evident that she shared a relationship with Christ..one I wanted nothing to do with. But when I did discover His amazing grace and forgiveness, she was the first person I wanted to tell. We have shared extensive and intense "conversations" and the reconnection fused by God's love have invoked feelings of love and desire for friendship in someone I haven't seen or spoken to, again-for 13 years! She is simply amazing.
These relationships are like those I have with my children. I could never choose one I love the most, but they each inspire a unique kind of love from me. They are strong, gentle, kind, honest, beauty infused blessings. They have stolen my affections, leaving us, attached.

Whew!

What a busy weekend! Thursday, not technically the weekend but we celebrated my baby's 11th birthday. When there's a party, it feels like the weekend. And technically he's not my baby, he's the oldest. I am dumbfounded. Eleven years has passed faster than I knew possible. Tanner is such a clever, well-loved, bigger than life, personality. He is our "pleaser". He is so confident and independent, yet finds immense joy in bringing honor and pride to Jerry and I. He will do something amazing one day...he may just revolutionize the world of hunting. He possesses a passion for the sport and an imagination that I believe will allow him to make a career of what he loves. Tanner is quirky, loud, tender, gentle, bright, grouchy, an old soul, a kid at heart, my sweet, sweet son. I love everything about him, he is, joy.
Friday, I attended Sammy's Halloween Party at school. We took the kids trick or treating, went to a family Halloween Party, then a grown-up Halloween Party. I dressed as Flo, you know, the Progressive Insurance Lady. Fun times!
Saturday, my mom and I took my three boys and their three cousins to the movies. We saw Legend of the Guardians, very disappointing. Tanner said it was "okay", assuring me the books are much better. The highlight of the movie was Owen leaning on one of my shoulders, Sammy on the other and my niece curled up on my lap. Though they all watched the movie intently, they didn't enjoy it that much either. I choose to believe they loved the snuggles as much as I did. They are growing so quickly, I savor the simplicity of resting heads and hands being held. Following, we indulged in Whoppers! Yum! Not the malted chocolate, the flame broiled kind...the kind that you can't enjoy very often because of the guilt you feel after. Sammy spent the night with Granny. Tanner stayed with our family friends, redeeming a birthday hunting "gift certificate".
Sunday, we spent the whole day with Owen at a wrestling tournament. It was his first of the season, so he was a little rusty but had a great finish! Second Place!! The trophy is more important than the win to him, which I love. I am amazed by his physical strength and his love of the sport. He has this dedication and determination in everything he does. I worry that he is "too serious" for his very young nine years..until I see the very appropriate, childlike response to the shiny symbol of accomplishment. He is mesmerized by it's bright colors and reflection. As hard as he may try to hide it, I see it. Joy.
A busy weekend at it's fullest with family and friends, just like my very blessed life.

Family Meeting

We had a fabulous, well mostly fabulous, day. A day filled with family. Morning at church, birthday party for my nephew, and an evening of carving pumpkins and taking a walk on an unusually warm, 75 degree, October day in the Midwest.
We ended the day with a family meeting. Since our youngest started school last year our life has been a whirlwind, run by everyone else's schedule but ours, seemingly. Scouts on Monday, sport practices, homework, job, meetings........blah! What really matters seems to be pushed by the wayside. God and family connection. We haven't been functioning well in their absence. Jerry and I are impatient, stressed and scatter-brained. The boys are overly rambunctious, restless and disobedient. Having three boys, I understand boy-ness. This is different, it's beginning to lean on the side of dysfunction! This life is foreign to us. Not normal.
I see families who are "on the go" constantly and appear to be raising successful families. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in those homes for one day. Is it real? Is it attainable? This ideal family? Are other parents having the same discussions Jerry and I have when their kids go to bed? Do they really have it all together? Or just think they do?
Being a parent is tricky. I think Jerry and I are pretty good at it. We make mistakes with our kids but try to teach humbleness by confessing and asking forgiveness from them. We instill discipline and boundaries, but as of late, not as consistently as their earliest years. Is what we are seeing a result of that? Is this a new phase I'm experiencing, adolescence? Ugh! I have so many questions and doubts but I am not adequately expressing them. When I worry, I fumble...in word and action.
Jerry and I are pretty in tune with who our children are. Their natural abilities and tendencies are not unseen. We attempt to nurture those tendencies the best way we know how. We talk to them, we're aware of their emotional needs and want them to be able to express themselves.
But something is missing..We know what is...some One, mostly.
So, we had our family meeting. I think it was successful and good for all of us. Jerry and I were both able to admit our shortcomings, point out the areas our family is suffering. The boys were sweetly forthcoming with what they could do to help bring positivity to our family. They have tender hearts. We huddled on the couch and prayed as family, it had been too long.

It's 8am and already I feel accomplished. When Jerry came home from work at 4:30am, I woke up. This is a rare occurrence. I can sleep through almost anything. Ever since all three of the boys began sleeping through the night many years ago, I have enjoyed sleeping well, all night long. I am a night owl so sometimes mornings are rough, but when I sleep, I sleep.
Anyhow back to today. I tried to protest the early rising by closing my eyes and pretending I wasn't awake. It didn't work. So I started my morning. Made coffee, updated my facebook status still protesting my early awakening, then decided to work out. It was an ugly sight. Lots of grunting and sighing....and sweat. When I finished I felt great! Woke the boys for school, made beds, got the boys on the bus and enjoyed a little more coffee.
Kim is coming for some refreshing highlights and coffee. I always enjoy her.
No matter what the rest of the day may bring, I feel accomplished. Coffee, happy kids in route to school, a good work out and a friend. It's still early but already I've had a great day.

Taking Initiative

Well, I did it. I took the first essential step in returning to the workplace. Two years after placing my cosmetology license in escrow, sure I'd never use it professionally again, I have taken the required continuing education to reinstate myself as an active stylist.
I am actively praying as to where I will put my skills to use. There is one particular salon I am hoping God sees as good as a fit to my family life as I do.
When I tossed my craft to the wayside, I was "burnt out". Tired of the long hours on my feet, the people-pleasing aspect of the job, it was never a hard decision to walk away. Now, the very things I grew tired of are drawing me back in. I have a friend who is a stylist as well and her influence in my life has reminded me that my decision to "do" hair was fueled by my ability and desire to create. Hair is like a canvas, whether blank or numbered in brushstrokes, I can completely change the mood of the piece with a subtle additions or a completely original masterpiece.
As a woman I know how a great style can make me feel beautiful. I walk more confidently, check myself out in the rear view mirror and just feel good. I have the ability to give that gift to someone else. Thank you Marla for reminding me of that.
Now..just decide where it is I'm supposed to perform all of these miraculous works of art!

Living Adjacent

So. because of facebook, I have been looking back. I was a The 1995 ClayWeek Festival Queen. Lol! I know, no one wants to hear about my "glory days" and quite frankly I don't want to live in them. I had stumbled upon a page for former "royalty" to reunite and reconnect. Most of the girls' reigns were more recent history, but I did find a few from the stone age to share memories and pictures with.

It was a special time in my life. It was the first time I discovered girls can actually be nice! We spent all of our weekends together traveling to different festivals all over the state and established some precious friendships. As time went by, we all grew up, connections were lost and life went on.

The beautiful girls in these pictures are some of whom I formed close relationships. Except for the one in the middle. Kim. She represented the other "Twin City" adjacent to mine. We attended the same high school, I was two years ahead of her. I remembered her because she graduated with my brother. I have absolutely no recollection of traveling with her even though she is in numerous photos of mine from that year. She was our server at Red Lobster a few times while she was working her way through nursing school, I remember that. Years later we delivered our baby boys, one day apart, staying in adjacent rooms. We never saw each other but I met her husband, an acquaintance of my husband, and their baby boy. Jerry and he gushed over their boys in my hospital room. I have a picture of that too. Never saw her again.

UNTIL Six years later. Those two little boys were in pre-school and joined a wrestling team that Jerry coaches. Those two boys became fast friends. Kim's husband, Justin, began helping with the team as well and we were spending time together as families. The flow of conversation and admiration were instant. We, including our boys, fell in love with them. In a short two years, we have formed a connection that will remain. It's effortless. She is one of my most treasured friends. It's a small club. It is impossible for me to deeply invest in a large number of friends and maintain intimacy. A friend will inevitably fall into two categories; lifelong, dear, acquaintance or immediate, kindred spirit. Kim is unmistakably the latter. Besides my sister, she is a friend who knows what I'm thinking even when I present my thoughts less than eloquently.

When I was pulling out my memories, I was struck by the way God brings people together exactly when he intends. Kim's grandmother had terminal cancer when our two little boys met, and our friendships blossomed. Our conversations of faith, during her eminent grief, opened the floodgates to our connection. She showed the love of a friend, I have very rarely experienced. Mutual vulnerability, strength and love that could have began all those years ago, but didn't, because our young years blocked our attention. We overlooked each other. Yep, she had no memory of our time "together" either! God used a powerful, heartbreaking circumstance and two precious souls to unite us in this royal friendship. He had placed this being in my path for many years but I wasn't looking, I had pictures to prove it. Much like Jesus, if your not looking you won't see Him. He preferred alliance over adjacent. I love His preference.

ouch

My head and my heart are just hurting. Of course in the middle of our own "home makeover" episode, I feel useless and un-needed. I have control-freak tendencies. Though I contribute to design and will do all the decorating, we are in the "heavy lifting" stage and Jer is carrying most of that load alone(with the exception of our wonderful friends who have pitched in).
In addition, our youngest of three is in first grade now. Kindergarten was my catch up year. Catch up on all the projects, school volunteering, and exercising I ignored when my kids spent most of their time at home, WITH ME! Now, however, I am feeling that same useless feeling in my own home. House cleaning, errands and laundry that were always never-ending during the pre-school era, are completed by Tuesday afternoon. I am contemplating returning to my hair stylist roots and re-entering the work force. But I don't want to miss anything!! I have lived in this bubble where I spent more time with my boys than anyone else and been available for -Jerry, boo-boo kisser, teacher, dance partner, disciplinarian, reader, playmate....mommy...and still made some kind of dinner for us to enjoy as a family...sounds exhausting. It was, but I've loved it. Every stressful minute of it. Life is changing and I'm not sure where I fit into it. That is not a depressing, woe is me statement. Anyone who knows me, knows I love being "holed up" in this bubble. I just feel led to do something else as well.
Hence the status of my brain.
My heart, a more heavy matter. My parents and I are not speaking. Long story short, they don't want to see their grandchildren disciplined and I don't care. Parent/Grown Child boundaries were severely crossed, my parental authority undermined, heated words exchanged. For the benefit of peace I usually drink a bottle of wine, cry, pray, forgive and move on so that my children do not have to grow up without their grandparents. I can't do it anymore. I've sought wise, unbiased counsel. At 34 years old I no longer have to tolerate the disrespect served to me, no matter how pretty the plate. I love my parents. I am working on forgiveness, however an acknowledgement of boundaries needs to be discussed. I'm not sure that can happen, you see, those "control-freak tendencies" weren't mysteriously implanted. My mom's birthday is in two weeks, I'm not sure how to celebrate it. I want to recognize it, but not sure how. A card in the mail? Tacky. Dropping in with a gift like nothing happened? Not capable of it.

Dear Boys,

I lead you, I love you.

I instruct you, intervene for you.

I watch you, wondered by you.

I discipline you, disciple you.

I laugh with you, linger on your smiles.

I will pray for you, party to your successes.

I will see you fly, cushion your fall.

I will be proud, cheer your pursuits.

I will be unconditional, when your unkind.

I will raise you, release you.

When you're grown, I'll let you grow.

When you break my heart, it won't break our bond.

When we disagree, I will not show disgrace.

When you show rebellion, I will reinforce.

When you don't remember your value, I'll remind you.

I promise when I'm wrong, I will admit it.

I promise when you find your wife, I will celebrate your win.

I promise when you have children, I won't treat you like a child.

I promise to lend support, when you solicit.

I promise to keep my promises, promises I wanted promised.

Little boy, how are you so big? How is it you live life the same way you came into it? Hard.... Like you were letting me know from the onset, your drive and determination. You play hard. You fight with your brothers hard. You work hard in school. You are hard-headed(like your momma). You find it hard to let others know that you are sensitive. You sleep hard. Finding trouble is not hard..but most importantly, you love hard.

You are amazingly smart. You have the best cheeks for kissing. Ever since you were a baby you've had these perfectly round cheeks that a kiss just sinks into. Though you have a wild heart you are the most eager to please. Your favorite things are baseball, wrestling, animals, reading, the Wii, your friend Noah, your Grandma and .....me. That's not a vain self promotion, you and I have a unique chemistry. Someday one equally amazing woman(JK!!) will steal your affections from me. For now, I love that you call me 10 times when I away from you for two hours. I love that when I walk into the door you still run calling "Mommy!" and give me the biggest of hugs.

Your eyes are a gorgeous slate blue, I painted my living room to match. I was drawn to that swatch like I'm drawn to your eyes. You are so strong, not just in mind like I mentioned before but physically I cannot believe how your strength has multiplied over the years. I can no longer pick you up, but you can lift me off of the floor. You are nine years old and I am seeing glimpses of the man you will be. I am proud of you. I love you. I'm thankful that you, are you.

Happy Birthday my precious boy.

"If You Really Knew Me"

There's not much on TV that is inspirational or makes one feel led to make a change. I did find one program that does. On MTV, no less. "If You Really Knew Me". I started watching about three weeks ago with cautious optimism. The premise is this: Trained adults come into a High School and initiate a "Challenge Day". On this day cliques are broken down and students divide into small groups and share experiences..starting with the line "If you really knew me...".
I have not been able to watch without tears. You see the Homecoming Queen, the Goth Girl and the Band Geek describing what life is like at home, in school, their insecurities and struggles. You witness change in their expression, the epiphany that their seemingly outward, insurmountable differences are exactly the opposite. They are more alike than they are strangers.
The leaders describe people as icebergs, revealing only ten percent of who they are above the surface and below the other ninety percent that no one sees. The program is about exposing the other ninety percent, "being real". The students stand behind a line and leaders read different circumstances that kids face; divorce, abuse, loneliness etc. If the student is affected by the circumstance, they cross to the other side of the line. Large groups of students from every "clique" represented cross the line. Powerful. Again, barriers are broken.
The following day the kids are sent out in their school to spread the understanding they have begun to grasp. The initiative, boldness and passion by the students...again, powerful.
Ask any adult and not many will say "High School was the best time of my life!". Most of us, regardless of what social table we joined in the cafeteria, would admit that we only showed ten percent of that iceberg. I clung to having a boyfriend, because it made me feel beautiful and powerful-emotions I never experienced at home. I was a cheerleader because I was capable of doing it and allowed me to be noticed. I would rather have been singing a solo in the choir while displaying my artwork at the Spring Arts Show. I exuded a false confidence, masking my anxiety of making friends, analyzing every word I spoke and the hurt of losing friends to immature high school drama. Instead I built this tough exterior wall that didn't allow many to enter nor let me out.
Talking with friends about the show, we decided people should go to high school in their thirties. An age where people have figured out who they are and see themselves as valuable.
What if we could intercept students during their most vulnerable time in life? Lessen some the hurt and aggression.....
This movement has begun to prevent the increasing number of suicides and bullying taking place in schools. I recently observed an anti-bullying curriculum ran by teachers. I was very impressed by the openess of the students but as with most things there is a concern of cost of bringing it into one's own school district. I want this job. I've been blessed to work with high school-aged kids through church ministry and I loved it!! I miss it terribly. There is a myth that teenagers think adults are ridiculous and irrelevent. I've witnessed first hand, this is false. I'd love to be injected into the lives of teens in this new forum...we'll see what happens.
My favorite line from the latest episode ~"If someone is feeling lonely, it's not because there is a lack of people. It's because there is a lack of connection between those people."

What I love

I'm sitting here tonight all by myself and I love it. Daddy and the boys are at the lake fishing and camping. I am enjoying having the house to myself. I'm taking in all the things I love and being thankful for them.

• I love this rare time of alone-ness
• I love my new silverware(we started our life together with a matching set but over the years strays have land here and originals have disappeared?)
• I love the new song "Love the way you lie" by Eminem and Rhianna(this song is so dark and disturbing but I'm fascinated by it. Believe me there is nothing spiritually uplifting about it)
• I love the new workout Jerry and I are doing together, Melt it Off with Mitch Gaylord
• I love mowing the grass on a hot summer day, like today
• I love that "The Hills" has ended so I won't find myself watching a so-called reality show with such committment.
• I love that my neighbor brought me green beens from his garden and I will can them tomorrow for my family to enjoy all winter long.
• I love that the boys and I shared a picnic, baby pool and four wheeler rides yesterday and it was one of the simplest and best days of our summer.
• I love the work that will begin tomorrow on our home addition.
• I love that I'm finally catching up on my scrapbooking, digitally.
• I love that I can enjoy this time alone yet I am blessed with family and never feel lonely.

grown up

Not fifteen, a young woman
Your spirit is free, your heart sincere
wise and observant.

I remember a playful freshman
eyes fixed on boys
investing, reaching, not knowing if you were there.

I witnessed transformation
steady growth.
Dreamed for you
where He might lead you.

I pride in you like my child
daughter in spirit.
Maturing, a young lady
friend.

Wisdom so rare
in years so fresh
You are there
yet just beginning.

Admiration, awe
pride and Love.
For you my little girl
grown up.


Olivia, I'm so glad I've seen you grow, follow to lead and become this impressive young woman that you are. I see so much of me in you at the age of twenty, yet your doing it so much better. I am so proud of you my sweet girl. I will forever be thankful that God allowed us to be connected. I love you.

Another Stolen Quote

"While it's true that love makes us see the best in our beloved, the strongest marriages I know are composed of people who are often baffled by each other's behavior."

This is one of the most genius statements I have ever read!! Yes, it's stolen(again), but at least I found it more traditionally, while reading...well kind of...blog-creeping anyway.

If you've read my blog at all you know that my husband and I have a hard time figuring each other out. I don't mean communicating, we do that pretty well. However on a daily basis, we cock our heads to one side, raise one eyebrow, draw our chin inward and think "what?! Who are you?"

I do not rejoice in surprises. I'll tell you exactly what I want for Christmas and be thankful. It occurred to me as I read the above quote however, that my relationship with my husband is filled with surprises and I never even realized it. Mostly, I was frustrated by our mutual confusion, wondering silently if one day it would break us. Each time Jerry or I say something that leaves the other "baffled", we may be surprised but we are always striving for understanding. Every year that we mature, we change. So even if we're surprised, dumbfounded, we're always discovering another facet of each other's diamond. The end result, knowing the people we are becoming, a little better. No matter how you look at it, from any angle of discovery, it's a precious stone. An indestructible, glass-cutting(barrier-breaking) diamond.

I find it comforting that though we appear and are completely differing in opinions and personalities, we have a solid foundation and most importantly we still laugh together. Laughter definitely softens the baffled expression.

Let Emotions Subside Before You Decide

"Let Emotions Subside Before You Decide"~Joyce Meyer.

Though I know who she is, I've never read a single book by this author. I saw this quotation on a friend's facebook list of favorite quotes. I usually never pay any attention to this type of info via facebook, but this one caught my attention. I love one-liners, however I like to stumble upon them unexpectedly while reading, I'm not one to "bogart"(my hubby will love that I used that word) someone else's inspirational tid-bits.

My emotions have been all over the place lately. I react waaaayyy too intensely when Jerry fails to see my grand vision for our upcoming addition of a master bed/bath. Poor guy, my creative yet obsessive mind is running faster than my lips can speak and I leave him with no concrete decisions and a pile of confusion. Therefore, I'm frustrated that he can't read my mind, I'm unreasonable.

We've returned to a church that we had left about two years ago. Our exit came on the heels of what we witnessed as a body who professed to love Christ but exhibited a hate for His followers. OF COURSE not the whole body...there are still many believers there that we love dearly and are so excited to reconnect with. But going back has been a huge challenge, mostly for me. Jerry is a very forgiving soul. I am a soul who thinks I have forgiven someone, until I see that someone. I repeatedly found myself sitting in the pew, fuming. Until God said "enough is enough". He has broken a barrier in me that only He could and I'm finding renewed love and understanding. Roller Coaster.

This will seem ridiculous to most but I have spent the last few days(and still not completed) cleaning out our 1955 basement. I have an irrational fear of spiders The job has taken much longer than it should because every time I move something I jump five feet back just in case a harry, black or brown, eight-legged creature pounces on my foot(which is covered by my sneakers but doesn't comfort me in anyway). Every time the air conditioner comes on and a slight breeze brushes my hair, I scream, swat and dance, certain it's a spider. I can't sleep at night because I know if those devil-possessed creations are down stairs they are more than capable of making it into my bedroom! I feel them crawling on my neck as I write. EWWWWW! By the time I'm finished my arsenal of Ortho Home Defense and I will have covered every square inch of that dungeon. I can't explain it, but the gut-wrenching apprehension literally makes me want to throw up. Don't begin to tell me that fear is a result of not trusting God. I trust that one day when He sets up his kingdom here, He will completely eradicate that species, realizing we have suffered enough through it's existence.

It's all of these types of things, big and small, that I have been completely over-emotional about. In all areas of my life I need to step back, not just when I see spiders, take a breath and think before I decide on an action. I am becoming too reactionary as I add year to my life. I was struck by this quote, stolen or not, I am going to wake up tomorrow and repeat it.

A New Addition..NO, not a baby!

We've decided to add on to our little home. Nothing major just another bedroom and bathroom. My existence in this house requires it. It's not a necessity, I realize but it will be a wonderful treat. My hubby has proposed that in this male infested house, I need my own space for bathing and bathroom time in general. It will be nice to go to the restroom and not step in the puddle on the floor that has been left by poor aim.......yeah.
I'm wanting to do a reasonably spacious bath with walk-in shower, tub, double sink/vanity and of course a throne. Design has been more difficult than I imagined. I love to decorate but I usually step in well after construction is completed. So for fun, here are a few I like, let me know what you think and if you have links to any AFFORDABLE great bath spaces, send them my way!

Is There a Flower Under There?

Ok, I haven't blogged in like, forever! I miss it so. Busyness of life has distracted me. However, being away has reminded me of how much I need this outlet. I have a mind that is always reeling, thinking, dreaming, wondering and pondering. My sweet hubby is just the opposite. He is very black and white and simplistic in his reasoning. Not simple-minded, just very cerebral in his train of thought. Sooo..sometimes my revelations are met with blank stares of attempts to understand. I am female and he is male, it's how we're hardwired. I love him for trying to understand my musings yet knowing me better than anyone else does.
On my mind the most? Friendships. The ones that matter. The ones that are more like family than friends. That disintegrate unexpectedly. The ones you remember sharing laughter and tenderness with, that have left a hole in your existence by in their absence.
Those friendships.
I recently heard a message on forgiveness. Genuine forgiveness, being granted to those who have wronged you, as a source of freedom. Freedom from getting stuck..releasing the inability to move forward because of the quicksand that is bitterness. Deep stuff, deep quicksand that I am climbing out of. It's a journey.
I'm at a place in that journey where I can give this wise counsel and also in the position to apply it. However in either scenario, it's not so easy to live it. It's difficult to tell someone else to "let it go" and even trickier to convince yourself to do the same. I have to remove the beam from my own eye before I can take tweezers to the splinter in the eyes of my friends. I have to remind myself daily that giving said forgiveness is not excusing hurtful actions. I am releasing the constriction that I have allowed the hurt to have over me.
Some may call me naive but I do still believe there is goodness in everyone. I also believe people can change. There may be times when they revert to their "old self" but so do I, especially when I'm angry. I am making this realization as a friend from long ago has sprouted into my established garden. I am unsuccessfully pulling the weeds of our past away from the potential blossom of renewed friendship. My tendency is to grab the weed killer and shoot. However, the delicate seedling would never survive. A bountiful garden is never achieved in one day, it takes work, persistence. It needs the right balance of light(love), water(grace) and fertilizer(humbleness, I compare this to fertilizer because sometimes it just tastes like shit!). I'm sorry for the expletive but poo or crap just do not give adequate emphasis to the distaste I have for admitting I may have fault as well.
Telling another that they also need to tend to their garden is equally challenging. I am looking for the gate in the fence. I don't want to jump over it, I'm vertically (confrontationally)challenged. I'm praying for the latch to be easily lifted and an equally effortless entrance. But just in case, I'm putting on my jumping shoes instead of my restrictive muddy boots. I love you that much my friend.