Taking Initiative

Well, I did it. I took the first essential step in returning to the workplace. Two years after placing my cosmetology license in escrow, sure I'd never use it professionally again, I have taken the required continuing education to reinstate myself as an active stylist.
I am actively praying as to where I will put my skills to use. There is one particular salon I am hoping God sees as good as a fit to my family life as I do.
When I tossed my craft to the wayside, I was "burnt out". Tired of the long hours on my feet, the people-pleasing aspect of the job, it was never a hard decision to walk away. Now, the very things I grew tired of are drawing me back in. I have a friend who is a stylist as well and her influence in my life has reminded me that my decision to "do" hair was fueled by my ability and desire to create. Hair is like a canvas, whether blank or numbered in brushstrokes, I can completely change the mood of the piece with a subtle additions or a completely original masterpiece.
As a woman I know how a great style can make me feel beautiful. I walk more confidently, check myself out in the rear view mirror and just feel good. I have the ability to give that gift to someone else. Thank you Marla for reminding me of that.
Now..just decide where it is I'm supposed to perform all of these miraculous works of art!

Living Adjacent

So. because of facebook, I have been looking back. I was a The 1995 ClayWeek Festival Queen. Lol! I know, no one wants to hear about my "glory days" and quite frankly I don't want to live in them. I had stumbled upon a page for former "royalty" to reunite and reconnect. Most of the girls' reigns were more recent history, but I did find a few from the stone age to share memories and pictures with.

It was a special time in my life. It was the first time I discovered girls can actually be nice! We spent all of our weekends together traveling to different festivals all over the state and established some precious friendships. As time went by, we all grew up, connections were lost and life went on.

The beautiful girls in these pictures are some of whom I formed close relationships. Except for the one in the middle. Kim. She represented the other "Twin City" adjacent to mine. We attended the same high school, I was two years ahead of her. I remembered her because she graduated with my brother. I have absolutely no recollection of traveling with her even though she is in numerous photos of mine from that year. She was our server at Red Lobster a few times while she was working her way through nursing school, I remember that. Years later we delivered our baby boys, one day apart, staying in adjacent rooms. We never saw each other but I met her husband, an acquaintance of my husband, and their baby boy. Jerry and he gushed over their boys in my hospital room. I have a picture of that too. Never saw her again.

UNTIL Six years later. Those two little boys were in pre-school and joined a wrestling team that Jerry coaches. Those two boys became fast friends. Kim's husband, Justin, began helping with the team as well and we were spending time together as families. The flow of conversation and admiration were instant. We, including our boys, fell in love with them. In a short two years, we have formed a connection that will remain. It's effortless. She is one of my most treasured friends. It's a small club. It is impossible for me to deeply invest in a large number of friends and maintain intimacy. A friend will inevitably fall into two categories; lifelong, dear, acquaintance or immediate, kindred spirit. Kim is unmistakably the latter. Besides my sister, she is a friend who knows what I'm thinking even when I present my thoughts less than eloquently.

When I was pulling out my memories, I was struck by the way God brings people together exactly when he intends. Kim's grandmother had terminal cancer when our two little boys met, and our friendships blossomed. Our conversations of faith, during her eminent grief, opened the floodgates to our connection. She showed the love of a friend, I have very rarely experienced. Mutual vulnerability, strength and love that could have began all those years ago, but didn't, because our young years blocked our attention. We overlooked each other. Yep, she had no memory of our time "together" either! God used a powerful, heartbreaking circumstance and two precious souls to unite us in this royal friendship. He had placed this being in my path for many years but I wasn't looking, I had pictures to prove it. Much like Jesus, if your not looking you won't see Him. He preferred alliance over adjacent. I love His preference.

ouch

My head and my heart are just hurting. Of course in the middle of our own "home makeover" episode, I feel useless and un-needed. I have control-freak tendencies. Though I contribute to design and will do all the decorating, we are in the "heavy lifting" stage and Jer is carrying most of that load alone(with the exception of our wonderful friends who have pitched in).
In addition, our youngest of three is in first grade now. Kindergarten was my catch up year. Catch up on all the projects, school volunteering, and exercising I ignored when my kids spent most of their time at home, WITH ME! Now, however, I am feeling that same useless feeling in my own home. House cleaning, errands and laundry that were always never-ending during the pre-school era, are completed by Tuesday afternoon. I am contemplating returning to my hair stylist roots and re-entering the work force. But I don't want to miss anything!! I have lived in this bubble where I spent more time with my boys than anyone else and been available for -Jerry, boo-boo kisser, teacher, dance partner, disciplinarian, reader, playmate....mommy...and still made some kind of dinner for us to enjoy as a family...sounds exhausting. It was, but I've loved it. Every stressful minute of it. Life is changing and I'm not sure where I fit into it. That is not a depressing, woe is me statement. Anyone who knows me, knows I love being "holed up" in this bubble. I just feel led to do something else as well.
Hence the status of my brain.
My heart, a more heavy matter. My parents and I are not speaking. Long story short, they don't want to see their grandchildren disciplined and I don't care. Parent/Grown Child boundaries were severely crossed, my parental authority undermined, heated words exchanged. For the benefit of peace I usually drink a bottle of wine, cry, pray, forgive and move on so that my children do not have to grow up without their grandparents. I can't do it anymore. I've sought wise, unbiased counsel. At 34 years old I no longer have to tolerate the disrespect served to me, no matter how pretty the plate. I love my parents. I am working on forgiveness, however an acknowledgement of boundaries needs to be discussed. I'm not sure that can happen, you see, those "control-freak tendencies" weren't mysteriously implanted. My mom's birthday is in two weeks, I'm not sure how to celebrate it. I want to recognize it, but not sure how. A card in the mail? Tacky. Dropping in with a gift like nothing happened? Not capable of it.

Dear Boys,

I lead you, I love you.

I instruct you, intervene for you.

I watch you, wondered by you.

I discipline you, disciple you.

I laugh with you, linger on your smiles.

I will pray for you, party to your successes.

I will see you fly, cushion your fall.

I will be proud, cheer your pursuits.

I will be unconditional, when your unkind.

I will raise you, release you.

When you're grown, I'll let you grow.

When you break my heart, it won't break our bond.

When we disagree, I will not show disgrace.

When you show rebellion, I will reinforce.

When you don't remember your value, I'll remind you.

I promise when I'm wrong, I will admit it.

I promise when you find your wife, I will celebrate your win.

I promise when you have children, I won't treat you like a child.

I promise to lend support, when you solicit.

I promise to keep my promises, promises I wanted promised.

Little boy, how are you so big? How is it you live life the same way you came into it? Hard.... Like you were letting me know from the onset, your drive and determination. You play hard. You fight with your brothers hard. You work hard in school. You are hard-headed(like your momma). You find it hard to let others know that you are sensitive. You sleep hard. Finding trouble is not hard..but most importantly, you love hard.

You are amazingly smart. You have the best cheeks for kissing. Ever since you were a baby you've had these perfectly round cheeks that a kiss just sinks into. Though you have a wild heart you are the most eager to please. Your favorite things are baseball, wrestling, animals, reading, the Wii, your friend Noah, your Grandma and .....me. That's not a vain self promotion, you and I have a unique chemistry. Someday one equally amazing woman(JK!!) will steal your affections from me. For now, I love that you call me 10 times when I away from you for two hours. I love that when I walk into the door you still run calling "Mommy!" and give me the biggest of hugs.

Your eyes are a gorgeous slate blue, I painted my living room to match. I was drawn to that swatch like I'm drawn to your eyes. You are so strong, not just in mind like I mentioned before but physically I cannot believe how your strength has multiplied over the years. I can no longer pick you up, but you can lift me off of the floor. You are nine years old and I am seeing glimpses of the man you will be. I am proud of you. I love you. I'm thankful that you, are you.

Happy Birthday my precious boy.

"If You Really Knew Me"

There's not much on TV that is inspirational or makes one feel led to make a change. I did find one program that does. On MTV, no less. "If You Really Knew Me". I started watching about three weeks ago with cautious optimism. The premise is this: Trained adults come into a High School and initiate a "Challenge Day". On this day cliques are broken down and students divide into small groups and share experiences..starting with the line "If you really knew me...".
I have not been able to watch without tears. You see the Homecoming Queen, the Goth Girl and the Band Geek describing what life is like at home, in school, their insecurities and struggles. You witness change in their expression, the epiphany that their seemingly outward, insurmountable differences are exactly the opposite. They are more alike than they are strangers.
The leaders describe people as icebergs, revealing only ten percent of who they are above the surface and below the other ninety percent that no one sees. The program is about exposing the other ninety percent, "being real". The students stand behind a line and leaders read different circumstances that kids face; divorce, abuse, loneliness etc. If the student is affected by the circumstance, they cross to the other side of the line. Large groups of students from every "clique" represented cross the line. Powerful. Again, barriers are broken.
The following day the kids are sent out in their school to spread the understanding they have begun to grasp. The initiative, boldness and passion by the students...again, powerful.
Ask any adult and not many will say "High School was the best time of my life!". Most of us, regardless of what social table we joined in the cafeteria, would admit that we only showed ten percent of that iceberg. I clung to having a boyfriend, because it made me feel beautiful and powerful-emotions I never experienced at home. I was a cheerleader because I was capable of doing it and allowed me to be noticed. I would rather have been singing a solo in the choir while displaying my artwork at the Spring Arts Show. I exuded a false confidence, masking my anxiety of making friends, analyzing every word I spoke and the hurt of losing friends to immature high school drama. Instead I built this tough exterior wall that didn't allow many to enter nor let me out.
Talking with friends about the show, we decided people should go to high school in their thirties. An age where people have figured out who they are and see themselves as valuable.
What if we could intercept students during their most vulnerable time in life? Lessen some the hurt and aggression.....
This movement has begun to prevent the increasing number of suicides and bullying taking place in schools. I recently observed an anti-bullying curriculum ran by teachers. I was very impressed by the openess of the students but as with most things there is a concern of cost of bringing it into one's own school district. I want this job. I've been blessed to work with high school-aged kids through church ministry and I loved it!! I miss it terribly. There is a myth that teenagers think adults are ridiculous and irrelevent. I've witnessed first hand, this is false. I'd love to be injected into the lives of teens in this new forum...we'll see what happens.
My favorite line from the latest episode ~"If someone is feeling lonely, it's not because there is a lack of people. It's because there is a lack of connection between those people."

What I love

I'm sitting here tonight all by myself and I love it. Daddy and the boys are at the lake fishing and camping. I am enjoying having the house to myself. I'm taking in all the things I love and being thankful for them.

• I love this rare time of alone-ness
• I love my new silverware(we started our life together with a matching set but over the years strays have land here and originals have disappeared?)
• I love the new song "Love the way you lie" by Eminem and Rhianna(this song is so dark and disturbing but I'm fascinated by it. Believe me there is nothing spiritually uplifting about it)
• I love the new workout Jerry and I are doing together, Melt it Off with Mitch Gaylord
• I love mowing the grass on a hot summer day, like today
• I love that "The Hills" has ended so I won't find myself watching a so-called reality show with such committment.
• I love that my neighbor brought me green beens from his garden and I will can them tomorrow for my family to enjoy all winter long.
• I love that the boys and I shared a picnic, baby pool and four wheeler rides yesterday and it was one of the simplest and best days of our summer.
• I love the work that will begin tomorrow on our home addition.
• I love that I'm finally catching up on my scrapbooking, digitally.
• I love that I can enjoy this time alone yet I am blessed with family and never feel lonely.