Friend-a definition

friend noun: one attached to another by affection or esteem.


I recently celebrated my 35th birthday. In my life so far, I've been a sinner, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, redeemed, forgiven, stretched(physically and mentally!), blessed. I have failed, succeeded, won, lost, grieved, rejoiced, fallen on my knees and walked tall. During these periods of growth, gaining wisdom and learning lessons, the trickiest riddle of all has been what and who is a genuine friend. There have been some amazing and inspirational ladies who have passed through my world. God hasn't wasted a single experience or interaction. These women, for better and what sometimes seemed or worse, led me down a path. I've landed in a pool of unconditional love and acceptance, at least as close to it as humanly possible. Only a hand full of these women I call, friend.
I have a hard time putting into words what friend means to me, hence the definition. It is a term that is used too loosely. However, I love the idea of being attached by affection. As I tried to verbalize my own definition, there weren't words. Instead, emotions and heart yearnings I have toward the women I call my friends...affections. I have only a handful of faithfuls. Each of them spark different thoughts and emotions, or as I most recently read, colors.
My "You always get me, get past the tough exterior, curl-up on the couch in our sweats, devoted, kindred spirit" friend has opened my heart to experiencing deeper, truer, friendships. The culture that we live in is very cynical toward female friendships. She has reminded me that real, loving, sincere connection is possible, even for women!
My "Bosom buddy, it's creepy how we think about the same things at the same time, spiritual rock, lives clear across the country but it doesn't matter" friend has been an inspiration. A picture of grace through a storm, godly-advice giving, trustworthy confidant who warms my heart and is a revolution in leading souls toward Light.
My "You make me feel normal in the midst of the insanity we call motherhood, coffee drinking, constant encouragement" friends have been my saving grace during an uncomfortable time of transition and wandering.
My "only live a couple of hours from each other, do not talk as often as we should, can always pick up where we left off, permanent imprint on my heart" friend was THE FIRST genuine friendship I ever experienced. We met after the unfortunate girl experience the world calls high school. She enveloped me with sincere care and made me part of her family. We have partied together, shared wedding ceremonies, had babies..grown up..together.
My "where have you been all my life I've been looking for you, how did 13 years pass since we spoke, our similarities make me cry, lone female existence in our homes" friend has just recently re-entered my life..via facebook. See, facebook can be helpful. We were roommates while attending cosmetology school and it was always evident that she shared a relationship with Christ..one I wanted nothing to do with. But when I did discover His amazing grace and forgiveness, she was the first person I wanted to tell. We have shared extensive and intense "conversations" and the reconnection fused by God's love have invoked feelings of love and desire for friendship in someone I haven't seen or spoken to, again-for 13 years! She is simply amazing.
These relationships are like those I have with my children. I could never choose one I love the most, but they each inspire a unique kind of love from me. They are strong, gentle, kind, honest, beauty infused blessings. They have stolen my affections, leaving us, attached.

Whew!

What a busy weekend! Thursday, not technically the weekend but we celebrated my baby's 11th birthday. When there's a party, it feels like the weekend. And technically he's not my baby, he's the oldest. I am dumbfounded. Eleven years has passed faster than I knew possible. Tanner is such a clever, well-loved, bigger than life, personality. He is our "pleaser". He is so confident and independent, yet finds immense joy in bringing honor and pride to Jerry and I. He will do something amazing one day...he may just revolutionize the world of hunting. He possesses a passion for the sport and an imagination that I believe will allow him to make a career of what he loves. Tanner is quirky, loud, tender, gentle, bright, grouchy, an old soul, a kid at heart, my sweet, sweet son. I love everything about him, he is, joy.
Friday, I attended Sammy's Halloween Party at school. We took the kids trick or treating, went to a family Halloween Party, then a grown-up Halloween Party. I dressed as Flo, you know, the Progressive Insurance Lady. Fun times!
Saturday, my mom and I took my three boys and their three cousins to the movies. We saw Legend of the Guardians, very disappointing. Tanner said it was "okay", assuring me the books are much better. The highlight of the movie was Owen leaning on one of my shoulders, Sammy on the other and my niece curled up on my lap. Though they all watched the movie intently, they didn't enjoy it that much either. I choose to believe they loved the snuggles as much as I did. They are growing so quickly, I savor the simplicity of resting heads and hands being held. Following, we indulged in Whoppers! Yum! Not the malted chocolate, the flame broiled kind...the kind that you can't enjoy very often because of the guilt you feel after. Sammy spent the night with Granny. Tanner stayed with our family friends, redeeming a birthday hunting "gift certificate".
Sunday, we spent the whole day with Owen at a wrestling tournament. It was his first of the season, so he was a little rusty but had a great finish! Second Place!! The trophy is more important than the win to him, which I love. I am amazed by his physical strength and his love of the sport. He has this dedication and determination in everything he does. I worry that he is "too serious" for his very young nine years..until I see the very appropriate, childlike response to the shiny symbol of accomplishment. He is mesmerized by it's bright colors and reflection. As hard as he may try to hide it, I see it. Joy.
A busy weekend at it's fullest with family and friends, just like my very blessed life.

Family Meeting

We had a fabulous, well mostly fabulous, day. A day filled with family. Morning at church, birthday party for my nephew, and an evening of carving pumpkins and taking a walk on an unusually warm, 75 degree, October day in the Midwest.
We ended the day with a family meeting. Since our youngest started school last year our life has been a whirlwind, run by everyone else's schedule but ours, seemingly. Scouts on Monday, sport practices, homework, job, meetings........blah! What really matters seems to be pushed by the wayside. God and family connection. We haven't been functioning well in their absence. Jerry and I are impatient, stressed and scatter-brained. The boys are overly rambunctious, restless and disobedient. Having three boys, I understand boy-ness. This is different, it's beginning to lean on the side of dysfunction! This life is foreign to us. Not normal.
I see families who are "on the go" constantly and appear to be raising successful families. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in those homes for one day. Is it real? Is it attainable? This ideal family? Are other parents having the same discussions Jerry and I have when their kids go to bed? Do they really have it all together? Or just think they do?
Being a parent is tricky. I think Jerry and I are pretty good at it. We make mistakes with our kids but try to teach humbleness by confessing and asking forgiveness from them. We instill discipline and boundaries, but as of late, not as consistently as their earliest years. Is what we are seeing a result of that? Is this a new phase I'm experiencing, adolescence? Ugh! I have so many questions and doubts but I am not adequately expressing them. When I worry, I fumble...in word and action.
Jerry and I are pretty in tune with who our children are. Their natural abilities and tendencies are not unseen. We attempt to nurture those tendencies the best way we know how. We talk to them, we're aware of their emotional needs and want them to be able to express themselves.
But something is missing..We know what is...some One, mostly.
So, we had our family meeting. I think it was successful and good for all of us. Jerry and I were both able to admit our shortcomings, point out the areas our family is suffering. The boys were sweetly forthcoming with what they could do to help bring positivity to our family. They have tender hearts. We huddled on the couch and prayed as family, it had been too long.

It's 8am and already I feel accomplished. When Jerry came home from work at 4:30am, I woke up. This is a rare occurrence. I can sleep through almost anything. Ever since all three of the boys began sleeping through the night many years ago, I have enjoyed sleeping well, all night long. I am a night owl so sometimes mornings are rough, but when I sleep, I sleep.
Anyhow back to today. I tried to protest the early rising by closing my eyes and pretending I wasn't awake. It didn't work. So I started my morning. Made coffee, updated my facebook status still protesting my early awakening, then decided to work out. It was an ugly sight. Lots of grunting and sighing....and sweat. When I finished I felt great! Woke the boys for school, made beds, got the boys on the bus and enjoyed a little more coffee.
Kim is coming for some refreshing highlights and coffee. I always enjoy her.
No matter what the rest of the day may bring, I feel accomplished. Coffee, happy kids in route to school, a good work out and a friend. It's still early but already I've had a great day.

Taking Initiative

Well, I did it. I took the first essential step in returning to the workplace. Two years after placing my cosmetology license in escrow, sure I'd never use it professionally again, I have taken the required continuing education to reinstate myself as an active stylist.
I am actively praying as to where I will put my skills to use. There is one particular salon I am hoping God sees as good as a fit to my family life as I do.
When I tossed my craft to the wayside, I was "burnt out". Tired of the long hours on my feet, the people-pleasing aspect of the job, it was never a hard decision to walk away. Now, the very things I grew tired of are drawing me back in. I have a friend who is a stylist as well and her influence in my life has reminded me that my decision to "do" hair was fueled by my ability and desire to create. Hair is like a canvas, whether blank or numbered in brushstrokes, I can completely change the mood of the piece with a subtle additions or a completely original masterpiece.
As a woman I know how a great style can make me feel beautiful. I walk more confidently, check myself out in the rear view mirror and just feel good. I have the ability to give that gift to someone else. Thank you Marla for reminding me of that.
Now..just decide where it is I'm supposed to perform all of these miraculous works of art!

Living Adjacent

So. because of facebook, I have been looking back. I was a The 1995 ClayWeek Festival Queen. Lol! I know, no one wants to hear about my "glory days" and quite frankly I don't want to live in them. I had stumbled upon a page for former "royalty" to reunite and reconnect. Most of the girls' reigns were more recent history, but I did find a few from the stone age to share memories and pictures with.

It was a special time in my life. It was the first time I discovered girls can actually be nice! We spent all of our weekends together traveling to different festivals all over the state and established some precious friendships. As time went by, we all grew up, connections were lost and life went on.

The beautiful girls in these pictures are some of whom I formed close relationships. Except for the one in the middle. Kim. She represented the other "Twin City" adjacent to mine. We attended the same high school, I was two years ahead of her. I remembered her because she graduated with my brother. I have absolutely no recollection of traveling with her even though she is in numerous photos of mine from that year. She was our server at Red Lobster a few times while she was working her way through nursing school, I remember that. Years later we delivered our baby boys, one day apart, staying in adjacent rooms. We never saw each other but I met her husband, an acquaintance of my husband, and their baby boy. Jerry and he gushed over their boys in my hospital room. I have a picture of that too. Never saw her again.

UNTIL Six years later. Those two little boys were in pre-school and joined a wrestling team that Jerry coaches. Those two boys became fast friends. Kim's husband, Justin, began helping with the team as well and we were spending time together as families. The flow of conversation and admiration were instant. We, including our boys, fell in love with them. In a short two years, we have formed a connection that will remain. It's effortless. She is one of my most treasured friends. It's a small club. It is impossible for me to deeply invest in a large number of friends and maintain intimacy. A friend will inevitably fall into two categories; lifelong, dear, acquaintance or immediate, kindred spirit. Kim is unmistakably the latter. Besides my sister, she is a friend who knows what I'm thinking even when I present my thoughts less than eloquently.

When I was pulling out my memories, I was struck by the way God brings people together exactly when he intends. Kim's grandmother had terminal cancer when our two little boys met, and our friendships blossomed. Our conversations of faith, during her eminent grief, opened the floodgates to our connection. She showed the love of a friend, I have very rarely experienced. Mutual vulnerability, strength and love that could have began all those years ago, but didn't, because our young years blocked our attention. We overlooked each other. Yep, she had no memory of our time "together" either! God used a powerful, heartbreaking circumstance and two precious souls to unite us in this royal friendship. He had placed this being in my path for many years but I wasn't looking, I had pictures to prove it. Much like Jesus, if your not looking you won't see Him. He preferred alliance over adjacent. I love His preference.

ouch

My head and my heart are just hurting. Of course in the middle of our own "home makeover" episode, I feel useless and un-needed. I have control-freak tendencies. Though I contribute to design and will do all the decorating, we are in the "heavy lifting" stage and Jer is carrying most of that load alone(with the exception of our wonderful friends who have pitched in).
In addition, our youngest of three is in first grade now. Kindergarten was my catch up year. Catch up on all the projects, school volunteering, and exercising I ignored when my kids spent most of their time at home, WITH ME! Now, however, I am feeling that same useless feeling in my own home. House cleaning, errands and laundry that were always never-ending during the pre-school era, are completed by Tuesday afternoon. I am contemplating returning to my hair stylist roots and re-entering the work force. But I don't want to miss anything!! I have lived in this bubble where I spent more time with my boys than anyone else and been available for -Jerry, boo-boo kisser, teacher, dance partner, disciplinarian, reader, playmate....mommy...and still made some kind of dinner for us to enjoy as a family...sounds exhausting. It was, but I've loved it. Every stressful minute of it. Life is changing and I'm not sure where I fit into it. That is not a depressing, woe is me statement. Anyone who knows me, knows I love being "holed up" in this bubble. I just feel led to do something else as well.
Hence the status of my brain.
My heart, a more heavy matter. My parents and I are not speaking. Long story short, they don't want to see their grandchildren disciplined and I don't care. Parent/Grown Child boundaries were severely crossed, my parental authority undermined, heated words exchanged. For the benefit of peace I usually drink a bottle of wine, cry, pray, forgive and move on so that my children do not have to grow up without their grandparents. I can't do it anymore. I've sought wise, unbiased counsel. At 34 years old I no longer have to tolerate the disrespect served to me, no matter how pretty the plate. I love my parents. I am working on forgiveness, however an acknowledgement of boundaries needs to be discussed. I'm not sure that can happen, you see, those "control-freak tendencies" weren't mysteriously implanted. My mom's birthday is in two weeks, I'm not sure how to celebrate it. I want to recognize it, but not sure how. A card in the mail? Tacky. Dropping in with a gift like nothing happened? Not capable of it.