Anticipation

I experienced and continue to be blessed by the experience of Christmas, all year long. I understand why I celebrate Christmas and the miracle that this Miracle has given to me as a free gift, no returns. I am thankful for the birth and death of Jesus, for without it, I'd be wandering aimlessly in this world where any other answer to the questions, "who am I, what is my purpose?" would return void.
The remainder of this post will be very cliche, Christmas is coming banter, yet hopefully reflect the joy I find in giving to my boys.
I started in October encouraging my three boys to begin writing their Christmas wish lists. Of course, like most of the time, when I encourage them to itemize, organize or plan, they ignored my requests. So when Black Friday rolled around, I headed out at 12:00am with only the gift I wanted for Jerry on my list. As my sister and mom stood in line for the items they desired, I wandered through the store looking for ideas. I found a 2011 Guinness Book of World Records, perfect for my son Tanner, who like his father enjoys owning a wealth of useless facts. For Owen, my obsessive reader, a clip-on book light. For Sam, a pogo stick that he can enjoy at home and not envy the one he has enjoyed at our friends house for endless jumps. I continued to shop until 8am then headed home for a nap. Jerry and I headed back out to the stores that evening. As we brainstormed, we stumbled upon the perfect "big" gift for each boy. We came home and wrapped and wrapped and wrapped. We were so pleased with what we had found for the boys. After a couple on-line orders, our shopping was finished.
As the holiday was drawing closer, I had two thoughts: 1-our boys are so spoiled they have nothing to ask for or 2- they are so content with their lives they can't name anything they want. I will selfishly tell myself that it is the latter in order to boost my parenting philosophy ego.
They have finally begun to randomly make requests. So far we have already gotten all of them! (not that I'm getting anything else anyway) I am finding intense joy in knowing my children so well that I was able to fulfill wishes they didn't even know they had until now. I am finding myself anticipating our fun-filled morning as much as they do. Seeing the expressions on their faces, the wiggles in their posture, the joy in their hearts.......I anticipate.
I wasn't planning on making a spiritual reference but as I wrote the previous paragraph it just occurred to me how my perfect Father rejoices when He gives us the gift of dreams fulfilled. If my anticipation is this great, I can't even begin to imagine His. Waiting, to give us the gifts we desire and don't even know we desire, in His infinite wisdom and timing. I am gushing, knowing we are going to bring excitement to our children. I honestly believe Jesus is feeling the same way, only magnified. He knows my deepest desires, requests. He knows when and which ones He will fulfill. He anticipates too.
I saw this quote on a friends facebook page "You can give without loving but you can't love without giving." I. Love. This. I can give to anyone and not love them but my family possess such a large portion of my love I am instinctively inclined to give to them. My desire to give to them is not a way for me to receive love, it's an uncontrollable urge that flows from my love. It's not a choice, it's an effect. I anticipate the effect of the effect.

Friend-a definition

friend noun: one attached to another by affection or esteem.


I recently celebrated my 35th birthday. In my life so far, I've been a sinner, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, redeemed, forgiven, stretched(physically and mentally!), blessed. I have failed, succeeded, won, lost, grieved, rejoiced, fallen on my knees and walked tall. During these periods of growth, gaining wisdom and learning lessons, the trickiest riddle of all has been what and who is a genuine friend. There have been some amazing and inspirational ladies who have passed through my world. God hasn't wasted a single experience or interaction. These women, for better and what sometimes seemed or worse, led me down a path. I've landed in a pool of unconditional love and acceptance, at least as close to it as humanly possible. Only a hand full of these women I call, friend.
I have a hard time putting into words what friend means to me, hence the definition. It is a term that is used too loosely. However, I love the idea of being attached by affection. As I tried to verbalize my own definition, there weren't words. Instead, emotions and heart yearnings I have toward the women I call my friends...affections. I have only a handful of faithfuls. Each of them spark different thoughts and emotions, or as I most recently read, colors.
My "You always get me, get past the tough exterior, curl-up on the couch in our sweats, devoted, kindred spirit" friend has opened my heart to experiencing deeper, truer, friendships. The culture that we live in is very cynical toward female friendships. She has reminded me that real, loving, sincere connection is possible, even for women!
My "Bosom buddy, it's creepy how we think about the same things at the same time, spiritual rock, lives clear across the country but it doesn't matter" friend has been an inspiration. A picture of grace through a storm, godly-advice giving, trustworthy confidant who warms my heart and is a revolution in leading souls toward Light.
My "You make me feel normal in the midst of the insanity we call motherhood, coffee drinking, constant encouragement" friends have been my saving grace during an uncomfortable time of transition and wandering.
My "only live a couple of hours from each other, do not talk as often as we should, can always pick up where we left off, permanent imprint on my heart" friend was THE FIRST genuine friendship I ever experienced. We met after the unfortunate girl experience the world calls high school. She enveloped me with sincere care and made me part of her family. We have partied together, shared wedding ceremonies, had babies..grown up..together.
My "where have you been all my life I've been looking for you, how did 13 years pass since we spoke, our similarities make me cry, lone female existence in our homes" friend has just recently re-entered my life..via facebook. See, facebook can be helpful. We were roommates while attending cosmetology school and it was always evident that she shared a relationship with Christ..one I wanted nothing to do with. But when I did discover His amazing grace and forgiveness, she was the first person I wanted to tell. We have shared extensive and intense "conversations" and the reconnection fused by God's love have invoked feelings of love and desire for friendship in someone I haven't seen or spoken to, again-for 13 years! She is simply amazing.
These relationships are like those I have with my children. I could never choose one I love the most, but they each inspire a unique kind of love from me. They are strong, gentle, kind, honest, beauty infused blessings. They have stolen my affections, leaving us, attached.

What I love

I'm sitting here tonight all by myself and I love it. Daddy and the boys are at the lake fishing and camping. I am enjoying having the house to myself. I'm taking in all the things I love and being thankful for them.

• I love this rare time of alone-ness
• I love my new silverware(we started our life together with a matching set but over the years strays have land here and originals have disappeared?)
• I love the new song "Love the way you lie" by Eminem and Rhianna(this song is so dark and disturbing but I'm fascinated by it. Believe me there is nothing spiritually uplifting about it)
• I love the new workout Jerry and I are doing together, Melt it Off with Mitch Gaylord
• I love mowing the grass on a hot summer day, like today
• I love that "The Hills" has ended so I won't find myself watching a so-called reality show with such committment.
• I love that my neighbor brought me green beens from his garden and I will can them tomorrow for my family to enjoy all winter long.
• I love that the boys and I shared a picnic, baby pool and four wheeler rides yesterday and it was one of the simplest and best days of our summer.
• I love the work that will begin tomorrow on our home addition.
• I love that I'm finally catching up on my scrapbooking, digitally.
• I love that I can enjoy this time alone yet I am blessed with family and never feel lonely.

Find Your Thing

As a stay-at-home mom I have been able to be witness incredible views...first smiles, first words, first steps and first days of school. Being a wife and a mother are my favorite jobs. However 2 years ago, I got an itch. An itch to do something for me (that will eventually benefit my family). I am a creative, driven, inventive personality. How vain right? Well no. Being a full time diaper changing, bottle making, laundry doing, meal preparing momma has it's periods of monotony. And during those periods, frustration and discontent set in. Not with your family but with the inability to release those dreams and ambitions you had before them. As long as I can remember I have wanted to simultaneously be home with my family and own my own business. So did a lot of serious introspection. God designed me uniquely gifted and I literally took inventory of those gifts. I love design..of houses, clothing, creation. I am a dreamer...a forward, what if this could happen thinker. I love to work with my hands...ideas manifested. I'm passionate...about almost everything.-what I like or dislike-there is usually no indifference in me. So with these gifts in mind I began playing with my sewing machine...long story short..I am enjoying gradual and increasing success in owning my own home-based business. I am designing, assembling and selling my own line of handbags, bugotot. The brand name is a combination of my three son's nick names: Tanner bug, Owie(Owen) and Tiny tot(Samuel).
This was my thing. My creative outlet. My sense of accomplishment. My dream realized.
One thing that brings me great joy is seeing other moms finding their thing. I feel a sense of pride in seeing all this hidden potential and talent revealed. The inspiration for this post did not only come from my own story but one that has just begun to be written. Jess and her friend Ginny are also stay-at-home moms who are embarking on their own business venture. Jess is an artist in every sense of the word, painting, writing and an overall eye for beauty. She has an incredible heart for service. To God and people. She, like me, strives to live simply. So with all these traits in which God instilled into her combined with Ginny's unique gifts they have launched a website. A resource for moms in our county to find free entertainment and educational outings. Save money, share tips, find encouragement and encourage (and allow moms with home-based businesses to advertise for free, added bonus, but not the reason for my excitement). I am thrilled to see these two mommies use their God infused talents into something that will not only prosper their spirits but others as well. Even if your not a local, you should check it out www.tuscmom.com. Very inspiring.
I realize not all stay-at-home moms have this desire but if you do, get the pen and the paper and write down the things that make you..you. What do you love? What are your talents? Your personality? How can I shape those dreams into real life achievement? What is my thing?

Metamorphosis

Little boys, at the beginning are like every other child. they need nurtured, loved, fed, rocked.....they need their mommy. However, before you know it these sweet little creatures begin to realize they are something special...warriors. When mommy comes into the room expecting morning kisses, she may get one....followed by "bang, bang!" That's right a gunshot. Who taught them that fingers could pose as weapons? To climb trees at heights that mommy won't attempt and contemplates calling the local fire department for rescue? When did these sweet little babies become incapable of passing their brothers in the hallway without tackling?

"Mommies don't wrestle" is a constant in my vocabulary. Boys are inherently just that....BOYS. Created to exhibit strength. Do everything "hard"...play hard, love hard, and hard willed. Determined to prove their manliness by peeing on trees and accumulating scars. Convincing the baby-sitter that "mommy lets us" fill up a barrel and drop our 4 yr old brother into it as long as he's wearing his life jacket. The list goes on. With all this will and determination it is sometimes easy to feel inadequate in molding them. I can see daily, what a great job Daddy is doing. Teaching them responsibility, discipline, work, shaping them into the men they will become and just giving them the rough play they crave. When will I see the grace and empathy that I diligently strive to instill? The answer? Today. My oldest son is now 9. Over the last couple of months there has been a maturity switch that has flipped in him. He willingly obeys, he's immediately remorseful of backtalk and actually offers helpfulness. Yesterday while playing outside with Daddy he came running toward the door in 100% boy style. Aggressively and quickly. I heard the stampede approaching but didn't think twice about it until it happened. From my helpless perspective, it was in slow motion. Two hands braced straight forward intending to push open a door, come straight through out-dated, single pane glass. Instantly I am in well disguised panic mode, crossing hundreds of shards of glass to draw him in and inspect. "Are you ok, are you cut?(over and over again) Two 1/2 inch scrapes, that's all. Fear and the bleeding cuts produced little tears. The downpour came after he looked at Daddy cleaning up the mess. "I'm so sorry I broke the door" he managed to say through his sobbing. We repeatedly and genuinely explained we didn't care about the door, our concern was him. But he felt so badly, we could only assure him of our forgiveness and let him cry it out in our arms. This morning as he kissed me before he walked out that same door..."I really am sorry that I broke the door, Mommy, I know your glad I'm ok, but I just want you to know I meant it when I said I was sorry. I don't want you or Daddy to have to work extra to pay for it."

I'm so proud of you Tanner..the child you are and the man you will be. I'm so thankful for your tender heart!~Love Mommy

The Hen Meeting

This morning was a continuance of a new tradition. About one month ago four friends and I with children of the same age began having Tuesday morning coffee talks. My husband would call it a "Hen Meeting" or this morning he referred to it as an episode of The View........but regardless of what you call it, it has been very encouraging to me. All of the ladies have a grounded relationship with Christ and we are striving together to raise our children on the same ground. This morning we talked a lot about having "the talk" continuously throughout our children's lives. It was so refreshing to hear the different perspectives that we are facing. Two of us have all boys, one has all girls and the other two have both. (Heather wasn't there today but we missed her!) I love hearing the concerns of a mom with girls and being able to integrate that into the conversations that Jerry and I have with our boys about sex. TESSA made a reference to a class she had participated in at her church which stated "Our parents never talked about sex or money, but they had both!" And that was so profound to me.....and so true!! Sex was never described as a beautiful, sacred event between a husband and wife.......it was only advised that I "don't do it." In our family we are going to break the cycle of secrecy and shame and communicate to our boys the joy, intimacy and boundaries of a sexual relationship. I pray faithfully that Jerry and I will equip our boys to make wise decisions when hormones are raging...and beyond.

Inspire Me!

"We're meant to be like multi-colored Christmas lights attached to one electrical cord called the Holy Spirit and strung strategically all over the earth..............Admit it. Aren't you just a tad bored by your neatly compartmentalized, comfort-fit Christianity?"~Beth Moore

I took my boys to pajama story time tonight and I picked up the book Voices of the Faithful, (Inspiring Stories of Courage from Christians serving around the World) by Beth Moore.
I've always liked Beth Moore for her frank, common sense approach to the Word. I saw this book as soon as we entered the library and by the time I reached page 6 of the introduction I saw this quote. I am already inspired. Our local church is going through a "transition", to say the least. I am cautiously optimistic as we are in the interviewing process of a new lead pastor.
He seems to not want to lock himself into our church's "business as usual" "keep everything the same" philosophy and I couldn't be more pleased!!
I love our church. We have been blessed with sound doctrine and taught the Word forward and backwards. But for the past couple of years I would sit in the worship center, same spot every Sunday, and think to myself " how many more times can we be taught this before we go out and do something with it?" "Can you kill a horse after it's been beat to death?" I know this may sound cynical and it's not meant to be but I was becoming restless. I had all this knowledge stored in my brain and my heart was exploding, wanting to be encouraged to pour it out, not just on my own but corporately. Strength in numbers right? And then the past year? Nothing. We act as if the world has stopped because there are some difficulties within our little world. This may seem like rambling but in my head it makes total sense. I hope the rest of this book is as good as the introduction.......I need to be inspired......by someone who has actually faced real persecution and brought glory to our Father. Some perspective.