ouch

My head and my heart are just hurting. Of course in the middle of our own "home makeover" episode, I feel useless and un-needed. I have control-freak tendencies. Though I contribute to design and will do all the decorating, we are in the "heavy lifting" stage and Jer is carrying most of that load alone(with the exception of our wonderful friends who have pitched in).
In addition, our youngest of three is in first grade now. Kindergarten was my catch up year. Catch up on all the projects, school volunteering, and exercising I ignored when my kids spent most of their time at home, WITH ME! Now, however, I am feeling that same useless feeling in my own home. House cleaning, errands and laundry that were always never-ending during the pre-school era, are completed by Tuesday afternoon. I am contemplating returning to my hair stylist roots and re-entering the work force. But I don't want to miss anything!! I have lived in this bubble where I spent more time with my boys than anyone else and been available for -Jerry, boo-boo kisser, teacher, dance partner, disciplinarian, reader, playmate....mommy...and still made some kind of dinner for us to enjoy as a family...sounds exhausting. It was, but I've loved it. Every stressful minute of it. Life is changing and I'm not sure where I fit into it. That is not a depressing, woe is me statement. Anyone who knows me, knows I love being "holed up" in this bubble. I just feel led to do something else as well.
Hence the status of my brain.
My heart, a more heavy matter. My parents and I are not speaking. Long story short, they don't want to see their grandchildren disciplined and I don't care. Parent/Grown Child boundaries were severely crossed, my parental authority undermined, heated words exchanged. For the benefit of peace I usually drink a bottle of wine, cry, pray, forgive and move on so that my children do not have to grow up without their grandparents. I can't do it anymore. I've sought wise, unbiased counsel. At 34 years old I no longer have to tolerate the disrespect served to me, no matter how pretty the plate. I love my parents. I am working on forgiveness, however an acknowledgement of boundaries needs to be discussed. I'm not sure that can happen, you see, those "control-freak tendencies" weren't mysteriously implanted. My mom's birthday is in two weeks, I'm not sure how to celebrate it. I want to recognize it, but not sure how. A card in the mail? Tacky. Dropping in with a gift like nothing happened? Not capable of it.