Proverbs 30:31 Favour is deceitful, beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
I'm struggling with this. I received a message from a friend today wanting to learn more about blogging. She is beginning a weight-loss journey with her goal being to run a 5K in August. I'm so excited for her! I will be sure to post a link when she's up and running..no pun intended.
Jerry and I have decided recently ourselves to begin getting back into shape. He is so much better at it than I am. His willpower is amazing, mine not so much.
I would like to say that my goal is to be healthy and feel better, have more energy. It's not. My goal is to look good in my clothes. Vain, I know. Vanity is a tricky thing for me. I desire to be beautiful from the inside and I hope that I would be considered that way. However, every time I look into the mirror with my 35 year old eyes, I find myself mourning the youthful face I remember. I see wrinkles, the beginning of crows feet, enlarged pores. I recently discovered why I am dealing with acne issues in my 30's when I've never dealt with it before..my diminishing estrogen. More proof I am aging. I don't find myself concerned with the numbers in my age, just the side effects. I meditate on verses on beauty and where true beauty lies..it's not helping! Fortunately, I can't afford the Botox and other facial procedures that would give me a quick fix and send me down a slippery slope in pursuit of perfection.
I'd like to blame my child bearing days but I can't. True, I didn't look this way before them but I didn't look like this after them either. I was motivated after their births to shed the pounds, get back into my jeans. The dilemma I am dealing with now is a result of immobility. Always moving with the busyness of life but never exercising. Eating on the go rather than planning and preparing meals as in the past is destroying my waistline.
I could blame society and media but I don't believe that a slender woman on a magazine cover is the reason I desire to be thin. I think as long as women have existed they have desired to be different than how God made them. Feeling inadequate in more ways than just the physical is a struggle I think all women share. Not understanding how truly valuable we are to our Creator, distorts our view of ourselves. So as I again start this journey, I am making more of an effort not to just commit that truth to memory, but in my soul.
I have started walking/running and calorie counting. I feel driven to succeed at this. I always do in the beginning, keeping that drive is the challenge. I'm looking forward to my friend's blog and the realness she will share in the tremendous amount of work it takes to be fit. She is already encouraging me by her willingness to share.
I won't reject any compliments I receive as I slim down, but truly I want to find more praise for who I am rather than what I look like.
Editing side note: After I posted this I got into my car and heard this-"51% of women said they would give up intimacy to be skinny..." I guess the other 49% were lying! lol

A Role Model

What a weekend!

Having a former wrestler husband and three little wrestlers of our own...we are a wrestling family. Coaching, practices, matches, sectionals, districts-it can be a lot. This weekend though, our season over, we headed to Columbus to The Ohio State University to watch what else, a wrestling match. A few other wrestling families went along and I think I speak for all the moms in attendance, this was the best wrestling experience we have shared with our young boys and husbands. The awe on the boys' faces as we walked into the arena, free posters in hand, brought a flutter to my own stomach.

Colt Sponseller, a local boy, is a nationally ranked senior at OSU. Because he is from our rural area, he is a local hero to our young wrestlers. Jerry has followed his high school and college career so my own boys are very familiar with him.

We were told after the match the boys could go down on the floor and the wrestlers would sign their t-shirts and souvenirs. The first "celebrity" we stumbled upon...Coach Tom Ryan. The boys again were overjoyed! Knowing he probably gets this attention regularly from wrestling fans, we were amazed at his genuine affection towards our very eager souls. He signed, he posed and even thanked us for coming. All with intense sincerity. So cool. The boys wandered from wrestler to wrestler, soliciting autographs from all the Buckeye wrestlers, who were equally as gracious.

Then the climax. Colt emerged from the locker room and before he could even hug his family, our boys were drawn to him like bees to honey. Literally. He appeared and instantly twenty little guys swarmed. He was so attentive and kind they ushered us to the hallway as they needed to clear the arena. He spoke to and autographed each child's memorabilia. You could almost hear them buzzing in anticipation for their turn to get close to him. He posed with them in more than enough photos, even encouraging "mean, wrestlers don't smile" and "funny face" shots.

We had heard of his character, his family's. Still, we couldn't believe this wrestler, from a Big Ten school, with an exceptional record, remained so humble. His entire family was so sweet. I had felt bad we were taking their time with him, but they insisted we let the boys enjoy this experience. And they absolutely did.

Amidst all of the sad and disappointing stories we hear of collegiate and professional athletes, it was so refreshing to meet a responsible, excelling, student athlete. One with a love of the sport so great, he shines, giving back to the ones who desire to be just like him.

Sing

Wasn't sure I was going to be a fan of American Idol this year with all the changes. However, much to mine and Jerry's surprise, we love it!

They lowered the age of eligibility this year, which I'm not a fan of, but there is one young man who has captured my heart. JC. He is fifteen but looks much younger. He is a little on the short side and overweight with the voice of an angel. "Group Day" almost swallowed him up. He was in a group of five and one over confident, male diva just kicked him out! I was crying!! This Idol hopeful decided he didn't fit the mold of their group. I was disgusted by his arrogance and ashamed that the other group members didn't stick up for this young soul. JC was in tears, trying to be strong, unable to hold it together when explaining to his mother the reason for his exit. So at the last minute, he was wandering around looking for someone to take him in. He found a group so thankful to embrace his talent, I cried.

After his group's performance, he stood there, tears welling. I grabbed my heart and told Jerry "I can't take this! If he doesn't make it through and I was his mother I would be hunting down that original group leader!". I couldn't just stand by and see my son's heart broken and his confidence shaken to the core. Then I remembered I could. Logically, I know you can't fight every battle and fix every disappointment but it would be nice if I could..that's not where I'm going with this post.

This boy pulls at my heart strings because he reminds me of another little boy. My boy. Tanner. Tanner and JC share a similar stature. And like JC, Tanner sings like an angel. He doesn't show off his instrument very often. Last year, out of the blue and to every one's surprise he auditioned for a solo in his fourth grade spring concert. He didn't even tell me! His music teacher informed me via facebook how blown away she was by his voice. I secretly ached and worried "What if he doesn't get the part? I don't want him to stop singing...". Ultimately he did get the part. Although just a school concert, I cried. I was so proud of his bravery. I love to sing, am semi-talented but always too afraid to step out and take the chance he did.

Watching this boy with a large frame and even larger heart, stole mine. He made it through. Thank you JC for having the courage to chase dreams and allowing me to reminisce the night my own angel sang.

A Girl

You waited all day to arrive, taking your sweet time. You were worth the wait! You are a precious little peanut. Your features, so petite and rounded. You were alert yet completely unaware. Unaware of the ray of light you brought into this unbelievably cold day. Your momma and daddy cried upon your arrival. You are beyond lucky to belong to such amazing beings. Your dark hair is a gift from your Pop. Your nose from Granny. Your presence from God. You are a girl. The "weaker vessel". Do not misinterpret what God means. You are strong. Undefined. Hope. Promise. Loved. You are a girl. A precious gift in the form of a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and niece. I love you Aubrie Meredith. I am so thankful to be your Aunt. Welcome to our crazy family sweet girl.

Looking Toward the Horizon

March 18th, I am waiting for you like a child yearns for Christmas morning.
This dreary, brrrrrrrr-ific winter, the wrestling season, and everyday busy has worn on the last fibers of nerve I have available.
Followers, don't get me wrong, I LOVE WRESTLING! I love watching my boys, Jerry and the other coaches building a successful program, the adrenaline, helping where I can, I really love it.
However, for four months my family does not function on it's normal routine and I have times of feeling extremely lonely. I miss my guys!!
BUT March 18th, I am escaping with my husband and some wonderful friends to the city of Pittsburgh! Every snowflake, school cancellation and busy day, I am looking past to this much needed retreat! Time alone with my husband with no talk of "weight classes", practice, homework, hurried bedtime rituals or children in general! Again, don't mistake my words. I love my children but date night has been pushed aside for far too long. This weekend will selfishly and adequately be all about Jerry and me. Waking up to the absence of alarm clocks, schedule....so inviting! Talking over coffee with overslept eyes will replace springing into referee mode from the launch of morning.
I see you March 18th in the not so distant horizon. I am working my way to you. Don't go anywhere. Do not be pushed aside by interference. I am praying these things for you. Wait for us.....we're coming!

Snow

I wanted to post this yesterday but this ancient computer I'm using temporarily wouldn't allow it!

Dear white, school-closing, frozen mess:



You make my feet cold and my patience thin.

You cause fighting, whining and lacks of motivation.

You come earlier every year and stay too long.

Your only beautiful as you fall.

Your aftermath dirties my car, my shoes, my rugs.

The weather man says the worst is yet to come.

You can miss us if you want I'll give you another shot

A happy resident of Ohio, right now, I am not.

To receive no further complaints just pass us by.

We'll get along without you, really, we'll be fine.



Sincerely,

Miss Frigid

A Little One on One

Report cards were handed out yesterday. As usual, Tanner, our dreamer of the bunch, maintained his "B" average. Also, as usual, he had three check marks indicating areas in need of improvement: 'Listening and Following Directions', 'Demonstrating Organizational Skills' and 'Using Time Wisely'. No surprise there.

Tanner is the most loving, tender-hearted, fun soul. He is also the child with the shortest attention span, the most entertaining stories and a plethora of useless facts he interjects at the most random of times. After using the "take away what they love method" and lecturing since the second grade, I was eagerly awaiting this time of discussion.

We decided since Dad, Owen and Sam were at wrestling practice, Tanner and I would take a drive and visit Granny and Pop. We had about 25 minutes driving each way, more than enough time for communicating with a boy. I was able to acknowledge again his complete disgust of school. He is so bright, yet school is not his fave. I was able to explain to him that his Father expects him to do all things as if "for the Lord"...with order and his whole heart. This made sense to him. For his young years, he is very spiritually intuitive. Whenever I can give him instruction supported by The Word, I see the lights come on through his eyes.

But let's not forget he is of the male species. Although I am thoroughly blessed by our conversations, I could help but laugh as he would stop me mid-sentence and shout "Deer!", "Did you see that cat hit on the side of the road?". I just love him.

Our time together also gave me time to make my case for guitar lessons. His dream-filled, artistic tendencies need an outlet. I THINK I have made some progress in leading him to his natural inclinations. I THINK he is grasping the importance of some order. I THINK he understands the necessity of education in chasing dreams.

I KNOW we had a good time. I KNOW he will be something great, he already is.

No winner or loser in this game. A tie-and that's a victory.

Roll With It

The boys are working on pinewood derby cars for Cub Scouts. They had a trial run tonight, and of course two out of three of our boys had their wheels fall off half way down the track. Embarrassing! I could feel their anguish. We allowed them to make the decisions for their cars. Partly out of frustration, since Jerry and I are obviously the most ridiculous parents who know nothing about building a car(sarcasm intended). Parental guidance is needed and the boys recognize it..now. More importantly because we want them to plan and execute this on their own. I don't find any entertainment in attending an event like this with a parent controlled and completed entry. Out of pity the Scout leaders handed me two new cars to start over. Poor Owen and Sam couldn't believe their grand designs didn't follow through.
I get that.
B.C.(before children) or before marriage for that matter, some women envision what it will be like to marry their prince, raise perfect-looking children, quit their full-time jobs to stay at home with said perfect children and live a blissful fairytale....happily ever after.
Then you are married and the first year is pure hell. How did this handsome creature have so many infuriating habits I never noticed? How did I become hardened and immune to his charm when I used to melt at just the sight of him? How did I have three boys who enjoy nothing more than getting dirty, catching frogs, shooting guns, wrestling and really, just being boys? Where were the pigtails with pink ribbons, pretty dresses, painted fingernails?
All of it, part of God's plan. Marriage was hard because it takes work. It takes effort to really know your spouse, to learn and appreciate all the idiosyncrasies and the balance they give us. Allowing God to be at the center instead of my own selfish desires was a challenge. I had three little boys because there is joy in the wild hearts that run around this house and encouraging challenge in their "living life full throttle" attitudes. I am raising the men who will someday lead their households. The households that will bring me daughter-in-laws and maybe even granddaughters! Motherhood isn't always pretty. It's a loud, frustrating, worry-filled adventure that brings laughter, dancing and love. God love. Love you didn't understand until you had children.
Our grand design for our lives doesn't always turn out how we planned. It looks bigger and better when you fall under the right guidance. My life and the future, secure-wheeled pinewood derby cars serve as proof.

I Failed...Oh Wait!

Today has been a day. No different than any other day...pushing, shoving, yelling, me yelling..part of our daily routine. However today, I threatened to go on vacation for a week without them and see how smoothly their days go when I'm not here. Not my finest hour. I was just beyond frustration. Repeating myself, over-using the phrase "stop that", was more than I could handle on just one cup of coffee.
Later, I just sat in the bathtub trying to convince myself to be happy enough to enjoy dinner with my parents, siblings and niece and nephews(which I did), and cried. I'm exhausted and tired of feeling like a grouchy mom. The boy-ness in this house drowns me. I love all the things that make my boys, boys. Most of the time. Except for today. And today I cried. I failed.
As usual, when I see my sister's family, I end up with one of her angels and she takes one of mine. Cousin sleepovers are all the rage, you know. Sam and my nephew pulled out our art box and began drawing. Sam is working on shadowing(how cute is my little artist!). I watched for awhile then laid on the floor and picked up my own paper and pencil. We giggled as Sam told his "big stories" and Sam even asked if I would sign my work of art for him, as he did the same for me.
Then it was late. Bedtime tuck-ins, kisses, hugs, smiles. Sam told his cousin in response to I don't even know what; "That is one thing about my mom, she's always funny!" Who knew I was funny? Sammy did. Not grouchy, mean or ridiculous, I'm funny. Thanks for reminding me Sam. I haven't seen 'that mom' through my guilt, I'm glad you do.

Visually Arresting Part Deux

Since my previous "Visually Arresting" post my mood has changed dramatically. I have chosen to see the beauty all around me, naturally and created.
We recently had a snow day. My friend Tessa, her four girls, myself, and my three boys spent our day just "being". We did brave the hills for a little sled riding, then enjoyed hot chocolate and each other...all curled up on the couches, together. The day was frigid and gray. Our cheeks were rosy and lips smile-filled. The kids interacted like family. The girls giggled when Sammy mentioned his "nads", the boys were silenced at times by the clever wit of these adorable girls. I love when girls have a way of tripping up little know-it-all boys. Their uninhibited conversations...visually(and audibly)arresting.
Jerry and I spent some time over the weekend with some of our dearest friends. We always have the best time with this incredible group of comrades. Being in the presence of them always guarantees cheeks and stomachs sore from laughter. Feeling myself laugh out loud and seeing their faces sharing my enjoyment....visually arresting.
The boys had a wrestling match yesterday. Tanner saw one of our youngest teammates crying and quickly made his way to his side to assist in easing his stress. He looked like such a "big kid". Dosing out kindness on his own without provocation. For Tanner it was tournament day. He and only one other wrestler showed up out of the four that should have attended in his weight class. He had to wrestle the other boy two out of three matches to determine the victor. Tanner had wrestled this boy earlier in the season and knew he could easily overturn this opponent. After match one, Coach Daddy instructed Tanner not to "pin" the other young wrestler. "Think of this as good practice and let "Jake" feel like he has a chance"..."No Daddy, I just want to pin him and get it over with"...."Ok, you wrestle how you think you should." Tanner walked on to the mat and allowed the match to last the entire two periods, without a pin. He walked off the mat with integrity and parents gushing with pride. "Jake's" mom even pulled Tanner aside and thanked him for allowing Jake to not feel completely defeated. She stated "Your a very good boy."
His character shone above competition, a gold medal or physical strength...visually arresting.
And! My friend Lori and her kids showed up to watch the boys wrestle. Didn't call, wasn't expecting them. They just showed up. Her son made his way to me and I was so melted when he said "Will you tell the boys I said good luck, I haven't seen them yet!" Just showed up. I love that.
A random act of painting brightened my world today. I painted my dining table, red. For no apparent reason, not because it coordinates with my decor, only because I love color and red is a color. A warm color. A visually arresting color.
Winter in the midwest is still quite dreary...however my family and friends have reminded me that I can be arrested any time I want to be, if only I look.

Visually Arresting

I have been without a computer for a few days so all of my "wasting time on facebook" has become "wasting time watching television". I repeatedly saw a commercial for the movie "Tron". One of the reviews for the flick called it "Visually Arresting!". The words jumped off the screen, into my head. I'm not sure why except I'd never heard this grouping of words before. Visually Arresting. Sitting in my mind, just like that.
Winter in the Midwest is gray,white, slippery, cold, bitter...depressing. We spend most of our time "cooped up" and the "fun" activity of sled riding only leaves me with a headache. The wet boots, ten layers of clothing, hats and gloves thrown about and spilled hot chocolate is not my idea of a good time. I do an exceptional job at pretending that it is enjoyable, it's my mommy duty. The snow is pretty, for about the first five minutes it falls.
I told Jerry today that one thing I love about a new year is that spring is just around the corner. Resurrection, of beauty. Then I stopped myself from being an entirely irritating grouch and remembered that there is beauty all around me. God says so. I just have to find it. One beauty I found? The boys playing chess. Weird, I know. Jerry only taught them yesterday, in about fifteen minutes. I was captivated by their bright minds, part of their beauty. I was reminded they are sponges waiting for water, just as I wait for spring. As for any thing else? I'll keep looking. This may turn into a "part one" post. As soon as I'm "arrested".

Year Reviewed,-I'd give it a "6"

We celebrated New Years Day like this. And yes, we invited our laundry. It's like a cousin, the annoying one that stays too long and keeps coming back:

Because what better way to spend our new beginning after an exhausting 2010.

After our living room picnic, Sam and I cuddled up to a good book. He laid his chest on mine, closed his eyes and mine weren't far behind(props to the hubby for picking up the cam!)....like I said 2010 was exhausting: sports, numerous injuries, ER visits, an (ongoing) addition to our home and lots of learning about friendships.

What I loved in 2010:

• a memorable weekend away with fantastic couples
• a spontaneous family escape to the beach
• celebrating twelve years of marriage
• deepening bonds with friends
• watching walls expand in our home
• recurring cuddle times with the boys I feared they would outgrow by now
• The Shack

What I hated:

• kidney stones
• a broken wrist
• stitches
• another set of stitches
• truck repairs
• a group divided
• broken hearts
• I raised my voice (waaaaaaaay) too often

What I learned:

• no matter how tightly you assign a budget, it can be blown to hell
• whatever the issue or hurt, not talking about it makes it worse
• parents do not always know best
• sometimes when I am the most broken, I see God's plan the most clearly
• my "struggles" are minuscule in comparison to the load some have to carry
• I don't always have to be "the strong one", it's ok to need

One or more of each thing that I've loved, hated or learned in 2010 may happen again in 2011, like they did in 2009, 2008.........but they will never happen the same way. That is what I love about the turning of the calendar. New experiences. I may feel the same way-for different reasons. I may change my mind, I hope I do. I will change. That's how it works. Here's to a "10"! Cheers!

A lttle ditty to send you off with a smile..

Contradictions

Today, I was loading the dishwasher as all my guys finished eating. The sink was completely emptied and Tanner walked over and attempted to hand me his plate. He stood there for about 15 seconds waiting for me to finish placing the previous dish in the washer, plate-in-hand extended. I just looked at him and said "Are you kidding me?" Instead of placing the plate himself, he was waiting for me to do it! Is that what I am teaching my boys? That even if you are able-bodied and standing right in front of the dishwasher you hand the plate to me to put it in for you? I hate that.
This evening, all my guys were at wrestling practice. As Jerry wrapped up his coaching responsibilities, Owen called to ask "Mom, what did you make for dinner?" As I told him, for a half a second, I almost responded to him as I did to Tanner. In the second half of that second, I realized I love it. I love that I am able to be available and flexible with meals, even during our crazy wrestling schedule. They KNOW that I will have something prepared for them and not have to make their own meals even though they are able, that home is a place for nourishment- of all kinds. I love that.
Contradiction.
I try to live my life with consistency. Treating people the way I want to be treated, owning my strong opinions with out being oppressive, making peace unless utterly impossible and teaching my boys these same things. You may find these admirable or ridiculous, and really, either is fine.
There is so much emphasis on consistency. Consistence in discipline, exercise, time in the Word, meal times, church attendance, bedtimes, date nights....AHHHHHH!!!!! TOO MUCH CONSISTENCY!!!
I am a forgiven, commanded to be holy. I mess that up everyday, consistently. Contradiction. That is what life is, why not embrace it a little more? Why not change our minds? Let the kids stay up ten minutes later just to cuddle? Being spontaneous with our spouses rather than "pencil in" a date night? Eat dinner at 8pm and just be thankful your sitting together? Skip the gym, sit and catch up with a friend? Not feeling guilty for missing a Sunday service to have real fellowship with your family? Not reading God's Word out of obligation but just stopping to talk our Father?
Contradiction doesn't have to have a negative context. Find your areas of "too much consistency" and contradict them. Go on, be brave. It's freeing.

Redeeming Time

Christmas Morn they awoke at five

I grabbed my camera and watched the paper fly

Excitement flourished as they opened each gift

But not long after their spirits needed a lift.

Whining and pouting, impatience on high

Too tired to be grateful, frustrated my mind.

They began to reexamine their bountiful stash

Tears subsided and they were playing with dash

Arrows flying, pellets shot, guitars being rocked

Time for a nap, seven hours had been clocked.

Sleepy eyes arose with mid-afternoon smiles and joy

Thank you Mommy-n-Daddy as they rediscovered each "toy".

Festivities continued with our tradition of a movie

We laughed at the antics of Boo-Boo and Yogi.

The next day we jumped from bed to a melody sung off key

"Don't touch that it's mine, Give it back to me!"

Playing referee was wearing us thin

Drank a lot of coffee but really wanted gin.

The mess and decorations were taken hastily to the attic

I'd been pushed to my limit, "That's it, I've had it!

Then as God does, He gave me a new day

One filled with kisses, hugs and play.

They sled with Uncle Lewie, bringing stories of adventure

I enjoyed caffeine and a friend, relieving more pressure.

The Noel buzz had finally worn off, my kids were returning

Talking and sharing, moments for which I was yearning.

The memories of days past erased from my mind

I was cashing in, redeeming this time.

We truly had a REAL and memorable Christmas. We celebrate the birth of our Saviour. That is real. My kids behaved like kids. That is real.

In my obsession to create perfect memories for my children, I set myself up for feelings of hurt. I have this ideal vision of how moments will occur before they do. When I release the expectations and cry out for mercy, the moments happen on their own, my blessings are revealed....I am redeemed. That is real, perfection.

Merry Christmas

This post will be short and sweet. Yesterday, I posted how I love to give to my children..I hope it didn't portray me as a materialistic, commercial Christmas, participant.
The Christmas we celebrate centers around a King. A King born to a virgin. A King born, to die. For us. For me. For you.
Sometimes people complicate this easy truth. Jesus is God. Jesus lived a sinless life, something impossible for us to do. He died for our sins, so we didn't have to. So we could regain the relationship intended for us to have with our King. If you believe and confess this truth to the One True God, your relationship with the King can be restored as well. If you have questions about that you can ask and I will try to answer. If your reading this post, I wanted you to. The King just wants you. He yearns to give you this gift, it's why he was born.
The Gospel is easy, nothing more to add to it, short. The blessing of unity with Christ, eternal life with The King, beyond sweet.

Anticipation

I experienced and continue to be blessed by the experience of Christmas, all year long. I understand why I celebrate Christmas and the miracle that this Miracle has given to me as a free gift, no returns. I am thankful for the birth and death of Jesus, for without it, I'd be wandering aimlessly in this world where any other answer to the questions, "who am I, what is my purpose?" would return void.
The remainder of this post will be very cliche, Christmas is coming banter, yet hopefully reflect the joy I find in giving to my boys.
I started in October encouraging my three boys to begin writing their Christmas wish lists. Of course, like most of the time, when I encourage them to itemize, organize or plan, they ignored my requests. So when Black Friday rolled around, I headed out at 12:00am with only the gift I wanted for Jerry on my list. As my sister and mom stood in line for the items they desired, I wandered through the store looking for ideas. I found a 2011 Guinness Book of World Records, perfect for my son Tanner, who like his father enjoys owning a wealth of useless facts. For Owen, my obsessive reader, a clip-on book light. For Sam, a pogo stick that he can enjoy at home and not envy the one he has enjoyed at our friends house for endless jumps. I continued to shop until 8am then headed home for a nap. Jerry and I headed back out to the stores that evening. As we brainstormed, we stumbled upon the perfect "big" gift for each boy. We came home and wrapped and wrapped and wrapped. We were so pleased with what we had found for the boys. After a couple on-line orders, our shopping was finished.
As the holiday was drawing closer, I had two thoughts: 1-our boys are so spoiled they have nothing to ask for or 2- they are so content with their lives they can't name anything they want. I will selfishly tell myself that it is the latter in order to boost my parenting philosophy ego.
They have finally begun to randomly make requests. So far we have already gotten all of them! (not that I'm getting anything else anyway) I am finding intense joy in knowing my children so well that I was able to fulfill wishes they didn't even know they had until now. I am finding myself anticipating our fun-filled morning as much as they do. Seeing the expressions on their faces, the wiggles in their posture, the joy in their hearts.......I anticipate.
I wasn't planning on making a spiritual reference but as I wrote the previous paragraph it just occurred to me how my perfect Father rejoices when He gives us the gift of dreams fulfilled. If my anticipation is this great, I can't even begin to imagine His. Waiting, to give us the gifts we desire and don't even know we desire, in His infinite wisdom and timing. I am gushing, knowing we are going to bring excitement to our children. I honestly believe Jesus is feeling the same way, only magnified. He knows my deepest desires, requests. He knows when and which ones He will fulfill. He anticipates too.
I saw this quote on a friends facebook page "You can give without loving but you can't love without giving." I. Love. This. I can give to anyone and not love them but my family possess such a large portion of my love I am instinctively inclined to give to them. My desire to give to them is not a way for me to receive love, it's an uncontrollable urge that flows from my love. It's not a choice, it's an effect. I anticipate the effect of the effect.

Friend-a definition

friend noun: one attached to another by affection or esteem.


I recently celebrated my 35th birthday. In my life so far, I've been a sinner, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, redeemed, forgiven, stretched(physically and mentally!), blessed. I have failed, succeeded, won, lost, grieved, rejoiced, fallen on my knees and walked tall. During these periods of growth, gaining wisdom and learning lessons, the trickiest riddle of all has been what and who is a genuine friend. There have been some amazing and inspirational ladies who have passed through my world. God hasn't wasted a single experience or interaction. These women, for better and what sometimes seemed or worse, led me down a path. I've landed in a pool of unconditional love and acceptance, at least as close to it as humanly possible. Only a hand full of these women I call, friend.
I have a hard time putting into words what friend means to me, hence the definition. It is a term that is used too loosely. However, I love the idea of being attached by affection. As I tried to verbalize my own definition, there weren't words. Instead, emotions and heart yearnings I have toward the women I call my friends...affections. I have only a handful of faithfuls. Each of them spark different thoughts and emotions, or as I most recently read, colors.
My "You always get me, get past the tough exterior, curl-up on the couch in our sweats, devoted, kindred spirit" friend has opened my heart to experiencing deeper, truer, friendships. The culture that we live in is very cynical toward female friendships. She has reminded me that real, loving, sincere connection is possible, even for women!
My "Bosom buddy, it's creepy how we think about the same things at the same time, spiritual rock, lives clear across the country but it doesn't matter" friend has been an inspiration. A picture of grace through a storm, godly-advice giving, trustworthy confidant who warms my heart and is a revolution in leading souls toward Light.
My "You make me feel normal in the midst of the insanity we call motherhood, coffee drinking, constant encouragement" friends have been my saving grace during an uncomfortable time of transition and wandering.
My "only live a couple of hours from each other, do not talk as often as we should, can always pick up where we left off, permanent imprint on my heart" friend was THE FIRST genuine friendship I ever experienced. We met after the unfortunate girl experience the world calls high school. She enveloped me with sincere care and made me part of her family. We have partied together, shared wedding ceremonies, had babies..grown up..together.
My "where have you been all my life I've been looking for you, how did 13 years pass since we spoke, our similarities make me cry, lone female existence in our homes" friend has just recently re-entered my life..via facebook. See, facebook can be helpful. We were roommates while attending cosmetology school and it was always evident that she shared a relationship with Christ..one I wanted nothing to do with. But when I did discover His amazing grace and forgiveness, she was the first person I wanted to tell. We have shared extensive and intense "conversations" and the reconnection fused by God's love have invoked feelings of love and desire for friendship in someone I haven't seen or spoken to, again-for 13 years! She is simply amazing.
These relationships are like those I have with my children. I could never choose one I love the most, but they each inspire a unique kind of love from me. They are strong, gentle, kind, honest, beauty infused blessings. They have stolen my affections, leaving us, attached.

Whew!

What a busy weekend! Thursday, not technically the weekend but we celebrated my baby's 11th birthday. When there's a party, it feels like the weekend. And technically he's not my baby, he's the oldest. I am dumbfounded. Eleven years has passed faster than I knew possible. Tanner is such a clever, well-loved, bigger than life, personality. He is our "pleaser". He is so confident and independent, yet finds immense joy in bringing honor and pride to Jerry and I. He will do something amazing one day...he may just revolutionize the world of hunting. He possesses a passion for the sport and an imagination that I believe will allow him to make a career of what he loves. Tanner is quirky, loud, tender, gentle, bright, grouchy, an old soul, a kid at heart, my sweet, sweet son. I love everything about him, he is, joy.
Friday, I attended Sammy's Halloween Party at school. We took the kids trick or treating, went to a family Halloween Party, then a grown-up Halloween Party. I dressed as Flo, you know, the Progressive Insurance Lady. Fun times!
Saturday, my mom and I took my three boys and their three cousins to the movies. We saw Legend of the Guardians, very disappointing. Tanner said it was "okay", assuring me the books are much better. The highlight of the movie was Owen leaning on one of my shoulders, Sammy on the other and my niece curled up on my lap. Though they all watched the movie intently, they didn't enjoy it that much either. I choose to believe they loved the snuggles as much as I did. They are growing so quickly, I savor the simplicity of resting heads and hands being held. Following, we indulged in Whoppers! Yum! Not the malted chocolate, the flame broiled kind...the kind that you can't enjoy very often because of the guilt you feel after. Sammy spent the night with Granny. Tanner stayed with our family friends, redeeming a birthday hunting "gift certificate".
Sunday, we spent the whole day with Owen at a wrestling tournament. It was his first of the season, so he was a little rusty but had a great finish! Second Place!! The trophy is more important than the win to him, which I love. I am amazed by his physical strength and his love of the sport. He has this dedication and determination in everything he does. I worry that he is "too serious" for his very young nine years..until I see the very appropriate, childlike response to the shiny symbol of accomplishment. He is mesmerized by it's bright colors and reflection. As hard as he may try to hide it, I see it. Joy.
A busy weekend at it's fullest with family and friends, just like my very blessed life.

Family Meeting

We had a fabulous, well mostly fabulous, day. A day filled with family. Morning at church, birthday party for my nephew, and an evening of carving pumpkins and taking a walk on an unusually warm, 75 degree, October day in the Midwest.
We ended the day with a family meeting. Since our youngest started school last year our life has been a whirlwind, run by everyone else's schedule but ours, seemingly. Scouts on Monday, sport practices, homework, job, meetings........blah! What really matters seems to be pushed by the wayside. God and family connection. We haven't been functioning well in their absence. Jerry and I are impatient, stressed and scatter-brained. The boys are overly rambunctious, restless and disobedient. Having three boys, I understand boy-ness. This is different, it's beginning to lean on the side of dysfunction! This life is foreign to us. Not normal.
I see families who are "on the go" constantly and appear to be raising successful families. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in those homes for one day. Is it real? Is it attainable? This ideal family? Are other parents having the same discussions Jerry and I have when their kids go to bed? Do they really have it all together? Or just think they do?
Being a parent is tricky. I think Jerry and I are pretty good at it. We make mistakes with our kids but try to teach humbleness by confessing and asking forgiveness from them. We instill discipline and boundaries, but as of late, not as consistently as their earliest years. Is what we are seeing a result of that? Is this a new phase I'm experiencing, adolescence? Ugh! I have so many questions and doubts but I am not adequately expressing them. When I worry, I fumble...in word and action.
Jerry and I are pretty in tune with who our children are. Their natural abilities and tendencies are not unseen. We attempt to nurture those tendencies the best way we know how. We talk to them, we're aware of their emotional needs and want them to be able to express themselves.
But something is missing..We know what is...some One, mostly.
So, we had our family meeting. I think it was successful and good for all of us. Jerry and I were both able to admit our shortcomings, point out the areas our family is suffering. The boys were sweetly forthcoming with what they could do to help bring positivity to our family. They have tender hearts. We huddled on the couch and prayed as family, it had been too long.

It's 8am and already I feel accomplished. When Jerry came home from work at 4:30am, I woke up. This is a rare occurrence. I can sleep through almost anything. Ever since all three of the boys began sleeping through the night many years ago, I have enjoyed sleeping well, all night long. I am a night owl so sometimes mornings are rough, but when I sleep, I sleep.
Anyhow back to today. I tried to protest the early rising by closing my eyes and pretending I wasn't awake. It didn't work. So I started my morning. Made coffee, updated my facebook status still protesting my early awakening, then decided to work out. It was an ugly sight. Lots of grunting and sighing....and sweat. When I finished I felt great! Woke the boys for school, made beds, got the boys on the bus and enjoyed a little more coffee.
Kim is coming for some refreshing highlights and coffee. I always enjoy her.
No matter what the rest of the day may bring, I feel accomplished. Coffee, happy kids in route to school, a good work out and a friend. It's still early but already I've had a great day.